** Disclaimer ** I am sorry if I "call anyone out" in this post or make you feel uncomfortable by posting it.. please know I am not trying to single you out.. just trying to explain how my circumstances have made me feel the way that I do.
Here's my thing. People who do not have fertility issues think those of us that do- get mad at women for getting pregnant and/or get jealous because they can have kids and we can't. I can totally understand this misconception, and can't say I wouldn't assume the same thing if the shoe wasn't on the other foot. I am hoping this post can make these people see us in a different way.
"It will happen for you." So my best friend at work told me she was pregnant in December. So I did the whole "happy for you, sad for me" bit that all of us infertiles do.. and it was really true. She deserves a child more than most people. But it doesn't make it sting any less that we are together constantly and people are constantly coming up to her asking her about the baby and rubbing her belly and talking about how cute she is when I am standing right there. Then another close friend of mine tells me she is pregnant. Then my fertility friend gets pregnant after 3 months of accupuncture (I have been going for 7 months and she still says I am "not ready") and yet another fertility friend gets pregnant with her second child after her second treatment (I have had 9 unsuccessful treatments). Am I mad at these people? No. They are all married, happy, and deserve children. But don't I also deserve children? "it will happen for you." Well, maybe it will. But do you realize it takes me $3,000 (13 months to save up) for the least expensive treatment to even have a chance of it "happening" for me??? And what if it doesn't "happen" for me? What then? People just don't understand. Although, the constant pregnancies in my face all day every day at work are painful and difficult and at times I am mad or jealous, this is SOO not the biggest issue (common misconception.)
"I can't imagine/I know its hard/I'm so sorry" etc. The most difficult thing for infertile people is the feeling that you are absolutely alone in this world. There is no one in my circle with the extent of fertility problems that I have. No one has been through 9 treatments, put themselves $36,000 in debt, and still not have a child. No one understands how it feels to have to come to grips with the fact that I may never have people "oooh"-ing and "awwwww"-ing over my belly or asking me about genders or baby names. Some days I just wish I had someone to talk to and have them say "yes, I know, I am in the same position, I know exactly how you feel" But I don't. And that is SO hard. Harder than looking at pregnant people or admirers of pregnant people all day. I wish I had someone to understand my struggle.
"God has a plan/you could always adopt" Really people? I know this is said with the best of intent at heart. But please stop saying this to people who have fertility issues. I understand that God has a plan for my life.. but do you think I want to hear that his plan is to watch me struggle and cry every single night and beg and plead with him while everyone else around me is blessed with what I want??? Not helpful. and why don't you just adopt?! I would love to adopt a sweet baby. But (1) We wouldn't even get past the home study with a paraplegic, 2 pitbulls, a house in the ghetto with not heat/air or fire alarms, and a couple who are living paycheck to paycheck because of fertility and (2) if we didn't want to have a biological child we wouldn't be $36,000 in debt right now--we would have gone through adoption in the first place. It is SO easy for people with biological children to say "just adopt". But if they had to walk just one mile in our shoes they would understand what a difficult decision it is to give up the dream you had of having a child with your looks, your behaviors, your DNA and make the switch to adoption.
Obviously, I have had a bad day. I feel like everywhere I turn, pregnancy is slapping me in the face. And then I get upset and I turn around and people are saying painful things to me. And it's not their fault--it is because I am completely and utterly alone in this cruel world of infertility.
