Well, today I made a big announcement, I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins! Since I haven't posted anything since my last miscarraige (I actually had to go back and look at the last thing I posted... it's been forever!) I feel like I have A LOT to catch you up on. I hope you have a lot of stamina because this is going to be a long one!
So, after the d&c in June, I was done. I was numb and I just didn't want to do it anymore. My doctor looked me in the eye and said things like "these things just happen sometimes" and told me I have "bad luck" and gave me a therapist's card. So I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep putting myself through the same thing over and over and over and getting the same results each time.
So I waited a few months. In those months, I prayed. I felt torn. I knew I didn't want to keep throwing myself in the fire, then crying about getting burned. But at the same time, my heart could not let go of wanting a child. I couldn't make myself accept being childless, much as I tried (and believe me, I tried.) So I prayed and prayed and prayed. And then one day, God spoke to me. He told me to get up and try again. He told me I have to means to achieve the desires of my heart if I just stop and think before I go the easy route again (throw myself into another cycle with the exact same doctor, medication, procedure, etc.) We had one more IVF covered on our insurance, so I decided that if I was going to do this, I was doing it completely different.
The first thing I did was find a new doctor. I knew I needed fresh eyes to look at my case and get his opinion before moving forward with a cycle. I transferred all my records to the Center for Reproductive Health and decided my new doctor would be Dr. Vasquez. We met with him in August. After being told there was nothing wrong with me, I had perfect cycles, I had bad luck, etc. I really didn't know what to expect. I felt like he was going to tell me the same thing as Dr. Hill, I would have no answers as to why I couldn't get and stay pregnant, and I would have the same results with the last cycle I would ever be able to afford. So when we sat down, the first thing out of Dr. V's mouth was:
"You look very defeated. I can take care of you from the science persepective, but you have to fix your mindset. You have to be positive and have faith that this will work."
Hearing him say that made me realize how different of an experience this was going to be. Just knowing Dr. V saw me as a person and cared about my wellbeing, not just my chart, was amazing to me. I fully trusted him from that point on.
Dr. V said the first thing we have to do is figure out why the embryos are failing to implant or are dying off. He ordered a Lupron challenge test (to test for hormone imbalances in the egg) and a hysteroscopy (to test for clotting disorders, uterine lining issues, etc.) I told him I had never heard of these tests before, and that they were never offered at NFC, and he said they would probably find something wrong and fix it, so I could get and stay pregnant.
In August, we completed the Lupron Challenge test and the Hysteroscopy. The results were mind blowing. It turns out, I have a hormonal imbalance in my eggs. The basic results of the lupron challenge test were this: the LH hormone was supposed to at least double (.5) in 24 hours. Mine only went up .02!! He said this means my hormones could not sustain the embyo once it reached the blastocyst stage, which is why they weren't that great of a quality on day 5, while they were amazing on day 3. The hysteroscopy found that I have a clotting disorder called factor 5. Dr. V thinks this answers the mystery of why I miscarried at 6 weeks in June, after amazing HCG levels. He thinks I shot a blood clot to the placenta, preventing the baby from getting enough nutrients and causing it to eventually die. The hysteroscopy also found I have an MTHFR gene mutation, which basically means my body can not absorb folic acid. Actually, excess folic acid is toxic to my body. That would have been good to know, when NFC was giving me triple dose folic acid.....ANYWAY. The treatment plan was as follows:
-Begin heparin immediately to treat factor 5
-Begin specialty prenatal vitamins w/ replacement folic acid and folbee
-IVF egg retrieval, then genetically test all embryos to rule out abnormalities
-Frozen transfer of 2 genetically sound embryos
We honestly planned to do all this over the summer (June 2017), but when we spoke to the financial counselor, she told us that we had met our annual out of pocket deductible, so if we did IVF before January, it would be 100% covered!! It was like God was saying "This is it Tifani. This is what you've been waiting for. This is your answer.. take it!!" So that's what I did.
We started the egg retrieval process in November. It was rough. I was on A LOT of hormone medication, and a lot of it was new to me, and I was struggling with keeping it all a secret.. especially when I was having to miss a lot of work, as well as the 2nd anniversary of losing the girls.. it was just a lot. If I wasn't crying, I was biting someone's head off. It was just.... it was bad. I'm sorry for everyone I was a b*tch too.. please forgive me as you now know the real reason why!!
One day after our girls' second angelversary, we had our egg retrieval. I'm going to be real honest and say I was expecting like 30+ eggs. I was on quadruple the amount of meds as NFC, and the plan was to get as many eggs as humanly possible so we had the best chance for normal embryos. So when Dr. V said he only retrieved 16, I lost it. I was so upset. I thought, here we go again.. the beginning of the end. Dr. V said that the low number, despite crazy high meds, is a result of the LH hormonal imbalance. He said my body just can't process the meds as effectively as it should. So all I could do was PRAY that those eggs made embryos, and those embryos be genetically normal.
So we get the call the next day that out of 16, 14 fertilized. Great number! ok, started to feel a little better again. But then, on day 5, we get the dreaded call. Only 4 of our 14 embryos made it to blastocyst and were able to be sent for genetic testing. I honestly felt my world crash down. I thought, there is no way this is happening. I just knew they would all come back abnormal, and it would be over. They said the results wouldn't be back for another 3 weeks, so I was basically in Hell for a while, torturing myself over the results to come!!
The call came a week and a half later. Immediately I thought, they are calling so soon because they were all abnormal. So my nurse says "Hey Tifani, I'm calling to give you the results of your pregenetic testing" (I'm crying at this point) she proceeds to say "You have 2 genetically normal embryos, would you like to know the genders?......hello?" (I forgot how to speak) finally I choked out a yes and she said "you have a perfect boy and a perfect girl" I couldn't believe it!! A boy and a girl. 2 genetically perfect babies. Out of the 4, 2 were normal, 1 was a girl with trisomy 16, and 1 was inconclusive (this one is still frozen to be retested sometime in the future). My nurse said the plan is to start me on the estrogen/progesterone regimen and transfer the boy and girl in January.
We had a little break between getting the results and starting the frozen transfer. We celebrated the holidays with a little break in Mexico and basically just re-grouped to get our minds and my body ready for the procedure. On January 24th, we transferred our baby boy and baby girl. It was so smooth and so perfect! We went home and I was on complete bedrest for 5 whole days. The whole time, I was so zen and confident. I kept thinking to myself "Dr. V has found every possible reason for this NOT to work, and fixed it. There isn't a reason for this not to work. It's going to work."
And sure enough, on February 3rd, we found out that it DID work! our HCG levels were great! I was so excited, but still, in the back of my mind, feared the ultrasound. I thought to myself, I've been here before. I got the good news and celebrated and then I was crushed. So, then came the first ultrasound. I was terrified. My heart was beating out of my chest. Speaking of beating hearts.. there they were. 2 perfect heartbeats. 2 babies measuring ahead of where they should be. But then they found a subchorionic hematoma. Basically, this is a pocket of blood in my uterus that can cause bleeding. It scared me to death, but by the next ultrasound it had reabsorbed! God is SO good.
Since that first ultrasound, we have been going back every 2 weeks. Each time, the babies are measuring ahead, their heartbeats are perfect, they are moving like crazy, my cervix is nice and long, everything is just perfect! I have one more ultrasound with my fertility doctor, and then will be released to the high risk MFM. I pretty much have every high risk factor on the checklist (IVF, multiples, previous early miscarraige, previous stillbirth, clotting disorder....)
Of course, with this new pregnancy comes new emotions. Talk to anyone who already knew the news, and they will tell you I am constantly comparing this pregnancy to the girls. I think I have thought about them more during this pregnancy than I have in years. I'm not sure how I will feel when I get to 20 weeks. I am hoping I can cope emotionally, and not panic. I'm thankful that I will be on summer break when this difficult time comes. I have 100% faith in my transabdominal cerclage though, best $7k I've ever spent!! I know that piece of equipment will keep these babies growing for 37, maybe even 38 weeks!! But, it doesn't do much for PTSD. So I ask for your prayers for my emotional wellbeing as we get through this! I wish I could fast forward to September and have them safe in my arms already.
If you have made it through this whole post, go drink a glass of wine for me!! It's been a crazy 9 months, and it's just beginning!
