The positive thing about 2013 was that I took time to heal myself and grow as a person. Though I still have the raw emotions and disappointments from our constant battle with infertility, this year I really focused on finding a way to deal with those emotions. I have realized that I can no longer let infertility control my life. I used to let it control how I felt about people with kids, who I could and could not handle hanging out with, who I got mad at because they unknowingly made a hurtful comment. It literally controlled every emotion I had. But in 2013 I decided to STOP doing treatment after treatment after treatment.. chasing something that came so easily for everyone else (which seriously ticked me off). I gave my body time to heal. Sometimes I would just stop everything and just sit, and let the emotions come. Sometimes I would cry uncontrollably. Sometimes I would scream or throw things against the wall. Sometimes I would just sit still in a trance. But whatever came out.. I just let it happen. And after letting myself do this a few times.. I realized that each time.. I felt it a little less. My breakdowns were getting shorter and shorter.. until finally I would sit down and realize I was no longer mad at someone for getting pregnant. I was no longer angry about all of the unsuccessful treatments I went through. I realized that all I had to do to make this horrible jealous, bitter, raging emotions go away... was to face them head on. And that's what I did. And now I am healed.
Will my husband and I become parents in 2014? I don't know. Will we try? sure. Will I have a complete mental breakdown and stop talking to everyone with kids and hate the entire world for being able to get pregnant if a treatment fails? No. Because infertility will not define me. It will not control my life. So bring on 2014. Baby or no baby!!
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