"Memory" Christmas

Hi friends! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  For my family, it was so very difficult.  If you asked me 2 months ago what my plans were for Christmas, I would have told you we were buying our first family ornament for our tree, we were getting the cribs for the girls, and painting the nursery during break.  Instead, our world was rocked 6 weeks before the holiday and we have spent every day since then trying to climb out of the rubble and learn to live again. 

We did not decorate at all this year.  We didn't buy gifts for everyone or go to Christmas parties or watch Christmas movies.  If it weren't for social media, I probably wouldn't have even known when Christmas was here.  Instead of preparing for Zoey and Piper's arrival, I spent the last month trying to find ways to keep their memory alive, to find ways to always remember them and bring value and worth to their short lives.  These are ways people have helped us treasure the sweet existence of our precious baby girls.

Cards For the first 2 weeks after the girls were born, we recieved at least 6 cards in the mail every day!  Mostly people from my work, but also from complete strangers!  I also joined 2 support groups online and received books, letters of encouragement, and articles from women who have been through this.  I also got some sweet home made cards from my little first graders!  This small gesture meant so much to me.  Just knowing so many people were hurting with me, praying for me, and thinking of me enough to reach out.  Thank you everyone who made this effort!

Memory Trees These came from Will's friends at work.  They sent 2 beautiful Japanese Maple trees.  We are keeping them in storage for now, and will plant them in the spring.  Maybe in March, since that is when they should have been here.  We didn't have a funeral service for the girls because we had them cremated, so maybe we will have a memorial service when we plant the trees.  

Tattoo Pretty much the day after everything happened I decided I wanted to get a tattoo to remember my girls.  This was so meaningful to me.  I wanted something that would be with me forever, so they would be with me no matter how much time passed or how many events happened after this.  I wanted to look in the mirror and see their names and footprints and think of them 20 years from now.  Jewelry gets lost, pictures get tucked away, but this tattoo would never leave my side.  I craved it.  I needed that constant reminder in my life.

Necklace I started reaching for anything to validate my feelings after the loss of my babies.  I researched infant loss, I read articles and books, I participated in my support groups.  One thing that helped me a lot was going on pinterest and searching "infant loss" and reading all the quotes and pins.  One thing I particularly loved was a necklace that said "too beautiful for earth".  I loved this because I remember saying this to Zoey and Piper right before and right after they were born.  I remember looking at Zoey and whispering in her ear "you are too good for this world" and telling Piper "you are so beautiful, you belong in heaven amongst the angels".  This necklace spoke to me because it is what I told my girls, and how I felt with all of my heart.  So I pinned it and moved on.  Well, my wonderful first grade team found that I pinned this necklace, came together and bought it for me.  They even had the girls names engraved on the back :-)

Ring This one came as a total surprise to me!  Will bought this for me as a Christmas present.  The ring has a topaz in the center (the girls' birthstone) with 3 diamonds on each side (one side for Zoey, one side for Piper).  How thoughtful and sweet!

Keychain These were a present from me.  I have so many different things to help me remember the girls, but I wanted other people to have something to remember them by too.  I thought of everyone who was with me in the hospital and experienced first hand the birth and death of Zoey and Piper.  I custom ordered keychains for each of these people, including Will and myself, to keep with them as a constant reminder of these precious angels.  Forever in our hearts!

I hate that I had to spend Christmas trying to find ways to remember my girls instead of preparing for their March arrival.  It's hard, it's sad, it's not fair.  But I feel God working in my life.  I have to remind myself everyday that God is not punishing me, that is not his way.  He is strengthening my soul.  He is giving me scars to bear to build my character.  His plans for me are so much bigger than what I can see or imagine.  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. I hate this valley, I hate it.  But for now I will spend my days remembering my girls and using this pain to strengthen my faith, to help others, and to show people just how strong I am. 

Thank you to everyone who has made an effort to help the world remember my babies!

God, is that you?

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me during the past 3 weeks.  I have had strangers or people who I haven't spoken to in years message me or send me cards and books, letting me know they are thinking of me.  People who have always been there for me have cried real, genuine tears for me and I know their hearts honestly broke for me as this tragedy struck my family.  I am so moved by the amount of people who love me and want to help me through this.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have done nothing but try to make sense of this situation.  After all the reading, posting, talking, and thinking, I have come to this conclusion: it makes no. damn. sense.  It makes no sense why this would happen to me.. or anyone.  But I have found that while some people run away or question God's existence, I am finding myself drawing closer to God and trying to really hear him and listen to what he is trying to say to me.

God is not doing this to punish me.  That is not God's way.  So what is he trying to do?  I think God is trying to teach me to STOP trying to control my life and give it to Him.  I remember every treatment we did, my prayer was "please God, let this work." "Please God, let me get pregnant this time" "Please God, make me pregnant" and the answer each time? No. Then I became more aggressive and did IVF again and made SURE it worked.  My prayer after I got pregnant was "Please God, let them both stick" "Please God, let it be twins" and then it was.  And then my prayer was "Please God, let them both continue growing." "Please let them both be healthy" "Please let them both be ok" Well, they were ok.  They were healthy.  But then my body couldn't carry them and they both died.  God, is that you?  Is that you telling me if I would have prayed for your will instead of mine, maybe only one embryo would have developed and I would still be carrying a healthy baby?  Or is it you telling me a biological baby isn't your plan for my life?  Did you choose me to adopt, Lord, and I am not listening to you?  God, what do you want from me?

I used to hate when people said "God's plan will prevail." Oh, so it was God's plan for me to spend 40,000 and have only 2 dead babies to show for it?  But now, after many weeks of thinking, I am realizing that was not God's plan.. that was my plan.  I know God is not punishing me, but I feel like this is happening to me because I am not listening to him or letting him be the leader in my life.  I wanted to be the leader in my life.  And He is showing me that does not work.

So now here I sit, with one little frozen embryo left in storage, ready for transfer whenever I am.  I am terrified to do anything.  Every part of bringing a baby into the world for me will be absolute torture.  Not only do I have to fear whether or not I will even GET pregnant with our last little embryo, which will be our only shot at pregnancy for years (or ever), but if I do get pregnant, now I have to fear staying pregnant and carrying the baby to term.  No gender reveal, no baby shower, no setting up a nursery.  Now I won't even enjoy seeing my baby on the ultrasound, I will just be like "cute, now what is my cervical length?  Does everything look ok?" So I'm not sure when I will ever be ready for that.

Right now I am really trying to open my heart to what God is trying to teach me from all of this.  I really hope I can find some peace and understanding from this tragedy.