God, is that you?

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me during the past 3 weeks.  I have had strangers or people who I haven't spoken to in years message me or send me cards and books, letting me know they are thinking of me.  People who have always been there for me have cried real, genuine tears for me and I know their hearts honestly broke for me as this tragedy struck my family.  I am so moved by the amount of people who love me and want to help me through this.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have done nothing but try to make sense of this situation.  After all the reading, posting, talking, and thinking, I have come to this conclusion: it makes no. damn. sense.  It makes no sense why this would happen to me.. or anyone.  But I have found that while some people run away or question God's existence, I am finding myself drawing closer to God and trying to really hear him and listen to what he is trying to say to me.

God is not doing this to punish me.  That is not God's way.  So what is he trying to do?  I think God is trying to teach me to STOP trying to control my life and give it to Him.  I remember every treatment we did, my prayer was "please God, let this work." "Please God, let me get pregnant this time" "Please God, make me pregnant" and the answer each time? No. Then I became more aggressive and did IVF again and made SURE it worked.  My prayer after I got pregnant was "Please God, let them both stick" "Please God, let it be twins" and then it was.  And then my prayer was "Please God, let them both continue growing." "Please let them both be healthy" "Please let them both be ok" Well, they were ok.  They were healthy.  But then my body couldn't carry them and they both died.  God, is that you?  Is that you telling me if I would have prayed for your will instead of mine, maybe only one embryo would have developed and I would still be carrying a healthy baby?  Or is it you telling me a biological baby isn't your plan for my life?  Did you choose me to adopt, Lord, and I am not listening to you?  God, what do you want from me?

I used to hate when people said "God's plan will prevail." Oh, so it was God's plan for me to spend 40,000 and have only 2 dead babies to show for it?  But now, after many weeks of thinking, I am realizing that was not God's plan.. that was my plan.  I know God is not punishing me, but I feel like this is happening to me because I am not listening to him or letting him be the leader in my life.  I wanted to be the leader in my life.  And He is showing me that does not work.

So now here I sit, with one little frozen embryo left in storage, ready for transfer whenever I am.  I am terrified to do anything.  Every part of bringing a baby into the world for me will be absolute torture.  Not only do I have to fear whether or not I will even GET pregnant with our last little embryo, which will be our only shot at pregnancy for years (or ever), but if I do get pregnant, now I have to fear staying pregnant and carrying the baby to term.  No gender reveal, no baby shower, no setting up a nursery.  Now I won't even enjoy seeing my baby on the ultrasound, I will just be like "cute, now what is my cervical length?  Does everything look ok?" So I'm not sure when I will ever be ready for that.

Right now I am really trying to open my heart to what God is trying to teach me from all of this.  I really hope I can find some peace and understanding from this tragedy.