Fertility after Zoey and Piper

Hi everyone!

There hasn't been much to blog about since getting my TAC in July.  I have been taking my MANY pills daily, working out, and staying very busy at work. 

Today was our first "fertility" appointment.  We had to get all of our prerequisites done.  I had to get another HSG done.  This is where they insert a catheter and inject dye into your tubes to make sure they are not blocked.  It's not really painful but it isn't exactly a walk in the park either.  Most people only need one, but this is the fourth one I have had.  I was nervous because I thought it might be painful now that I have a TAC, I was nervous about the TAC blocking the catheter, I really didn't know what to expect.

After a long wait, they finally called me back.  First, they do a little "interview".  The nurse took me to a small room, and the awkward conversation went as follows:
Nurse: Have you had one of these before?
Me: Yes, this is actually my fourth!
Nurse: OH! uhhh.. wow.. how unusual! okay.. have you ever been pregnant?
Me: Yes
Nurse: Did you deliver naturally?
Me: Yes
Nurse: And how old is the child?
Me: Um.. actually, I lost them at 20 weeks
Nurse: ....so.... you didn't deliver?
Me: ?!!? Yes, I did.. I delivered them naturally at 20 weeks.. they did not survive.
Nurse: ** akwardly writing notes** Okay... So have you had any surgeries on your uterus?
Me: No, but I had a transabdominal cerclage placed around my cervix in July
Nurse: A what?!?!
Me: Transabdominal cerclage...........
Nurse: A cerclage?! I thought those were only placed while pregnant??
Me: ... uh.. no.. it's not a regular cerclage.. it's placed abominably pre pregnancy..
Nurse: huh?? never heard of it.. you're just full of surprises!!
Me: um.. okay.. how much longer???

So yeah!! After that awful conversation, I went in the room to complete my HSG.  Luckily, I had a different nurse, who was wonderful!!  Everything came back normal (just like the first 3 times) and the doctor had no issues inserting the catheter, which lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and gave me a lot of comfort about going through IVF and the many catheters and ultrasounds that come with the territory.

After the HSG, Will and I went to the Fertility Center to complete our prerequisite bloodwork.  We both felt so strange, because we didn't see any of our "people"!  There was a new front desk person, back desk person, and phlebotomist.  We were sad we didn't get to see anyone, but it was also kind of comforting because it was like we were starting over.  No one knew us, so no one had that "pity" look in their eyes that we often get from people that know our whole story.  It was actually refreshing for people to think we were newbies coming in to complete our bloodwork for our very first IVF.  The phlebotomist literally took 12 viles of blood from me.  I kept looking at the tubes thinking 'surely some of those are for Will?!!!' No, they took about 3 viles from Will and 12 from me.  I was feeling pretty light headed leaving, to say the least!! Results should be back in a week. 

So, that is what is going on in our fertility world!! Now, on to Zoey and Piper..

We are quickly approaching the 1 year mark of losing our sweet baby girls.  It seems like a lifetime ago, but at the same time it feels like yesterday.  I am trying so hard to stay strong, but I can feel myself unraveling.  Our perinatal appointment was October 30th, which was the beginning of the end.  I was put on bedrest that day, and thus began the slow fall to November 9th, the loss of my whole world as I knew it.  These dates are coming towards me like a freight train I can not stop.  I am starting to cry at the drop of a hat.  For example, my first graders were crazy on the Friday before fall break, which is very normal (ask any teacher!!)  Normally, I would be like "gosh!! These kids are cray!!!!"  and move on.  But this time, I cried all through lunch and spent the next hour in my principals office crying.  I am having trouble coping with every day struggles because my mind is so preoccupied with coping with dealing with the milestone dates that I can not stop from approaching.  I am so thankful to have the support that I have, especially at work, to help me overcome the next few weeks.  I thought I would be strong enough to do a memorial party for the girls, but as the date approaches, I am realizing I am not strong enough to do that on the first anniversary.  Maybe on the second, or the third.. maybe not ever.  It hurts so deep, something I could never describe.  My mom and I have decided to do acts of kindness that day instead.  We will be visiting the hospital in which I delivered my girls and bring gifts to the amazing nursing staff who helped me through that horrific time in my life.  One nurse stayed an extra 4 hours past her shift because I begged her not to leave me.  One nurse cried with me and prayed with me on my bed and told me about how she herself lost a child at 26 weeks gestation.  They were so wonderful, and I want them to know how thankful I am.

Please pray for me as I face these milestone dates, and as I begin another round of IVF.  It will be hard because it is going to make me miss my girls every step of the way, but I also know I have 2 little cheerleaders in Heaven that are pushing mommy to do what she can to create a living, happy family.

Thanks for reading!