Infertility-9 Tifani-0

Sorry for the hiatus friends.  Last time I posted was our egg retrieval day because, well, that was the last appointment in which I felt good about this cycle.  We went to our transfer on Sunday and I had all the same feelings I had during the last transfer.  We were waiting for the embryologist and I was sweating bullets thinking of everything that could go wrong and just praying for at least one perfect embryo.  But the difference was, I kept talking myself off the ledge.  I kept thinking 'you had a perfect one before, you will have a perfect one again, everything is fine..."  Remember we decided if we had one perfect embryo, we would transfer one, but anything less than perfect, we would do 2.  So when the embryologist walked in with pictures of 2 embryos, my heart sunk.  That meant we did not have very good embryos, and I knew it.  She was also a newer embryologist and did not have a very good poker face.  She basically said "okay, so you have a 1BB and an EBB, which is an early blast." so, somewhere along the way, our embryos slowed way down in growth and did not even make it to where they needed to be on day 5.  My heart kept saying "this won't work, this isn't going to work."  She was rambling on about assisted hatching, fragmentation, growing the others another day to see about freezing, blah blah blah but all I heard was my brain screaming, negative.  Not pregnant.  SO sorry.  I basically knew it was over before they ever transferred those 2 crappy embryos. 

We went forward with the transfer and went home to drag through the two week wait until the pregnancy test.  I never really thought I was pregnant.  So the pregnancy test was really just a formality.  Of course, we go for the blood draw and the results come back negative.  Shocker.

Mainly I was mad.  Why?!!! What went wrong?!!? Everything looked EXACTLY like it did with the girls cycle.  I was so confused.  When  I talked to my doctor, he basically said he felt the same way.  He didn't know what went wrong either.  He said everything was identical, and in one cycle, both implanted, and in the other, neither implanted.  He was like it just doesn't make sense.. but that's the frustrating thing ... the unpredictability of the reproductive system.  You can't control everything.  He thinks the embryos may be getting "lost" when they are transferred into my uterus and are unable to find their way to my uterine lining to implant.  Obviously the have their mother's sense of direction...

Going forward.. we are planning to transfer our little frozen embryo this month!  He grew for an extra day, and actually turned out a pretty dang good quality.  He is a 4BB, which is almost an A.  My doctor is putting me on an aspirin regimen this time, which will thin my blood and my it flow more freely into my uterus to make my lining more receptive to baby 4BB.  We will also be doing an endometrial biopsy this month.  Basically, the doctor will go in and my a cut inside my uterus (let that sink in.. he is going to make a CUT, on the INSIDE of my uterus...) The research shows that after making this cut, my body will send healthy blood cells to heal the injury, and in essence "guide" my lost little embryo to the lining and help him implant.  We are hoping adding these two things will make this baby stick around for 9 months!

Yes, we are upset this cycle did not work.  But honestly, losing the girls changed my entire outlook on stuff like this.  I remember my first failed cycle, I was DEVASTATED.  Like, couldn't get out of bed for a week, crying sobbing mess, thought my world had crashed around me, my life sucks why is it so easy for everyone else I hate all the things ahhhh poor pitiful me!!!!!!!! Little did I know, I didn't even know pain back then.  But now, with this cycle, I am just like, I have been through so much worse than this.  This pain is nothing.  I didn't even cry.  So it failed.. and?  I didn't miscarry.  I didn't lose another child.  We are getting reimbursed through insurance so it's not like we are out a bunch of money.  We have the money and the drive to try again this month and we have an embryo to try with.  This. Is. Nothing.!

So, As of right now, I am scheduled to willingly allow a doctor to make a pretty dang painful cut on the inside of my uterus on March 24th.  It's about as exciting as it sounds, but if it helps, so be it.  We plan to transfer little 4BB the week of April 25th.  If this doesn't work, we will plan to do full fledged IVF #39857397124 (..4) this summer.  But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I can't think of a more fitting meme for how I feel right now!