12 months- We made it!!

Somehow I blinked and I now have 1 year olds that are into everything, make me laugh, cuss, and cry all in the same breath, are the best form of cardio and strength training, and light my world in ways I never knew possible.

Xander is so close to walking!  He stands unassisted for at least 5 minutes, but when he wants to move, he will rock back and forth and then bail to his knees and crawl.  Londyn doesn't stand on her own yet but she will pull up and walk with a push toy.  Xander is starting to babble more and will say "mama" and "dada" but his favorite sound is "GA". He will say that sound in every situation in multiple different volumes and ways.  I'm pretty sure in his brain it means at least 100 things 😅 Londyn, on the other hand, is a chatter box!! She says so many things.. "mama, dada, mimi, thank you, oh no, no no, dog, wiggle wiggle wiggle, num, hello, up.." etc.  She talks all the time. 

The biggest change happening right now is weaning from the bottle.  We are down from 4 bottles a day to just 2: 1 as soon as they wake up and 1 right before bed.  During the day they get 3 meals and 2 snacks, will sippy cups of water or milk.  They still get pretty hungry in the middle of the day, but I know once they realize they aren't getting bottles they will eat more during meal time to fill themselves up.  Then we will get rid of the last 2 bottles and be bottle free hopefully before the end of October!  Definitely not going to miss double fisting bottles 4 times a day 😝

Their birthday party was so much fun!! The theme was Wiggles (of course) and all of their family and friends came to show their love.  The twins devoured their smash cakes!! They got fun toys, cute clothes, and yummy snacks.  They were super well behaved and everyone had a great time.

So there it is folks.. one post for every month they've been alive.  I can't believe we are here already.  I probably won't post as much now as I'll be chasing toddlers all the time.. but I will definitely try to post important updates and milestones.  I'm really excited about the upcoming holiday season!  I know they will have so much fun now that they're older and can participate.  I'll definitely be posting about that 😍

For those of you that still keep up with this blog, I want to say thank you for your continued support.  This blog started as an informational thing about an IVF treatment, turned into my safe place to vent and get my thoughts down as I struggled with my war with infertility, saw me at my lowest point after losing Zoey and Piper, to my journey with a new team of doctors who gave me the joy of conceiving, carrying, and delivering the 2 biggest miracles of my life, and now a place to put the memories of watching them grow.  Some of you have been here from the beginning, some of you hopped on in the middle, some of you binge read.  All of you have laughed with me, cried with me, felt pity and joy and rage and excitement on my behalf.  Some of you are close to me in real life, some of you I've never met.  All of you have a piece of my heart.  I thank you for being a part of this with me.  Love you all, from the bottom of my heart!

Here are some pictures from our Wiggly Party!!

11 months

I'm a little late on posting this month, but THIS IS NOT A DRILL.. the twins are 2 weeks away from being a year old.. and this momma's heart can't take it!! I officially have little toddlers now, and they are such a mess!! They are crawling everywhere and pulling up on everything.  Xander is such a rough and tumble boy.. he does everything full out.. which means he falls often and accumulates lots of random injuries 🙈  We have moved into a new phase of parenting now that they are mobile and quickly learning how to get into everything they aren't supposed to have!! For example.. Xander's favorite toy right now is the dog's water bowl.. and Will can't even get the front door open when he gets home from work without Londyn being halfway up his wheelchair.  She is literally stuck to him like glue from the time he gets home to the time she goes to bed!! So this month I have been really working hard on teaching/enforcing boundaries.  We do structured play each day in the highchair, playpen, and on a blanket.  I can't tell you how many times a day I have to say "stay on the blanket" or physically go grab an escaping child and place them back inside the boundary.  It's exhausting and includes some meltdowns.. but they are getting a lot better at it.  Right now as I am writing this, Xander is playing contentedly in his playpen and Londyn is sitting beside me on the blanket playing with her toys.  Mom win!!
We are busy busy busy planning their first birthday!  They are freakishly obsessed with the Wiggles right now, so we are working hard on that party theme.  We even bought them a battery operated riding red coupe that we are going to turn into "The Big Red Car" from Wiggles 😂
The biggest thing they've got coming up (besides their birthday) is going to be spending the entire day away from me.  I'm going to start getting back into the classroom as a substitute teacher 1-2 days a week for some extra money AND because I miss teaching soo much!! So being a sub will give me the best of both worlds: being able to stay home with the twins while also scratching my teaching itch!! Plus it will be good for the twins to have some days away from me (for all of our sanity..)
Next month will be a big post filled with lots of birthday/cake smash pictures!!

 One of his many injuries!!

10 months.. double digits!!

Oh my goodness this month has been CRAZY!! It was like they learned something new every single day.  So many milestones.. they are like completely different kids from just a month ago!

The first big milestone they crossed off the list this month was learning how to get to a sitting position from their tummies.  Londyn figured it out first.. she took the contortionist approach.  She would go into a complete middle split from her tummy and use her arms to crab walk up into a sitting position.  The first time she did it, she got this big shocked/excited expression on her face and it was the cutest thing ever.. and I caught it on video!! Xander watched her sit up over and over throughout the day.  He would try by rolling onto his side and trying to muscle his way up, but every time he lifted his hand off the floor, he would faceplant.  Eventually he learned exactly how much momentum he needed to get him to a sitting position and figured it out shortly thereafter.

The next big milestone was as huge for me as it was for them.. eating table food!! If you've followed my story, you know I've been terrified of them choking on food.  This month, it got to a point where xander was fed up with baby food.  He would eat it (because he's never been one to deny ANY food) but he would act disgusted and usually let it run out of his mouth.  Londyn also started refusing to be fed.. everytime I would go near her with a spoon she would make an X with her arms in front of her face and clamp her mouth shut. 🙅  So finally I decided to just trust myself and my babies and let them try.  We started with puffs.. my friend gave the suggestion to ease my nerves by cutting them in fourths until I felt more comfortable, then halves, then finally giving them whole.  Xander did amazing with self feeding.  Londyn wouldn't put them in her mouth but would let me feed them to her.  So next we tried melts and the stick shaped snacks with the same results (Xander self feeding, Londyn letting me feed her).  Then my mom suggested cheeto puffs and this was a game changer for Londyn! She picked that sucker up and gnawed on it until it was gone, then wanted another one!  The puffs really helped Xander learn how to take appropriate sized bites.  At first he tried to shove the whole thing in his mouth which was terrifying for me.. but they melted really fast and he never really gagged on them, surprisingly.  But he now takes good bites and eats like a champ.  Will decided to let them eat honeybuns one day and it quickly went to the top of the favorites list!! He now only gets 1 bite per honeybun and they eat the rest 😆 But the thing Londyn loves more than anything in the world right now is.... strawberries!  I just put a whole strawberry on her tray and she will pick it up and gnaw/chew on it until it's gone.  The girl can go through 4 strawberries in one sitting.  Xander has tried tons of food: eggs, muffins, chicken, beef, mashed potatoes (fav!), strawberries, blueberries, mac and cheese, BBQ (fav!!), etc. etc. He will try anything.. such a rockstar eater.  The only thing he has really gagged on is a banana muffin because it was dry.  Londyn is holding strong with only eating honey buns, cheeto puffs, and strawberries.  She will sometimes entertain broccoli and cheese soup but only on the right day at the right time if the weather conditions are good.  Anything else gets an X-ed arm motion in front of the face with a clamped mouth.  But.. hey.. baby steps!!! OH and they are also drinking water from a straw cup! Londyn is good at holding it by herself but Xander prefers to have it held for him or he bangs it around and throws it like a football 😑

Finally... WE HAVE CRAWLERS!! They've been crawling backwards and doing some creeping for a while.. it felt like forever.  Then one day this month I had the PS4 controller on the floor and Xander just randomly got on his hands and knees and started crawling for it! I was like... WHAT?!?!?! Well this frustrated Londyn more than you could ever imagine.  She watched him crawl around for 4 days and SCREAM and have meltdowns when she would try unsuccessfully to crawl too.  Seriously the longest 4 days ever 🤦 she finally figured it out and all was well in the world again.  Now they are crawling everywhere!! Xander's favorite place to crawl is onto the dog bed.. preferably with the dog still on it.  Londyn's favorite is under Will's wheelchair.. where she plays peek-a-boo through the tire spokes and plays with the straps on his backpack.  I spend 95% of the day saying "no" and picking them up and placing them back on their mat!! Great cardio.

Londyn is babbling like crazy now and can say mama, dada, num (for a bite of food), keys (her favorite toy) and dog.  Xander is not as verbal but can say hey and mum.  He also has his fangs now so he has a total of 6 teeth.. Londyn still nothing 😅 Xander is doing great pulling up on things and now uses me as a jungle gym and has pulled his sister down several times!

Some other firsts this month: First trip to the zoo, First playdate at home, First bath together in big bathtub, Xander's first haircut,  First time napping away from home (at mimi and papas) and SO MANY MORE! this month was insane!!

9 months

And just like that, another month has passed!  This month we didn't cross any major milestones off the list, but they are both still working hard at mastering sitting up and crawling!  Xander is great at sitting, but still can't be trusted to not be surrounded by pillows.  The one time I didn't surround him, he got distracted by the dog walking by and fell over and hit his head on the hardwood floor 🤦 Londyn is great sitting up as long as something is in front of her that interests her.  She constantly wants to be on her belly.. So will fall backwards and roll to her tummy the second you give her the opportunity 😂 Poor thing is trying SO HARD to crawl.  She is currently really good at getting into the downward dog position.. but then drops her tummy and goes backwards.  We think she'll be a crab walker.  Xander doesn't really have an interest in crawling.  He's good just laying on his tummy and chewing a teether 🙄 But he does enjoy standing and can do so for a few minutes with very little support.  Xander's top front teeth have come in!  He has the most adorable little gap 😍😍  So current teeth score is Xander-4 Londyn-0 😂😂
This month they have discovered their love for water!! We have had a few pool days at mimi and papas and quickly learned they have no interest in being in those boat things made for babies.  We have to hold them in swimming position in the water where they can kick and splash in the water.  Xander also enjoys sticking his entire face in the water 😲 and Londyn tries to lick/drink the water 😑.  They both absolutely LOVE swimming!!
The main concern this month mainly has to do with me.  I am so terrified of them choking.. so I've been avoiding trying any kind of finger foods with them.  Londyn is super finicky and won't put anything in her mouth even if you paid her.  Girl can't stand a dirty hand.  On the opposite side of the spectrum, Xander puts EVERYTHING in his mouth.. from teethers to socks to his mom's nose.. you name it.. it's going in his mouth.  So I tried the little numnum teething biscuits with him and he bit off a huge chunk and gagged on it and I freaked out.  It scared me to death.  So I'm terrified to give them anything besides babyfood.  It's a totally irrational fear but I can't shake it.  I know there will be times they gag on new textures and flavors and I know its normal.  My brain knows that but I just can't stop panicking when it does happen.  And I feel bad because Xander is getting bored with babyfood and I know he is ready to try some solids!! This momma needs to get a grip 😥
Ya'll.. in 3 months my babies will be A YEAR OLD.  what?!?! how?!?!! They have their 9 month well check on the 19th.  Hopefully the doc can talk me off the ledge about the finger foods.  Can pediatricians prescribe xanax to moms? Asking for a friend.

 Our Family Mother's Day

Mother's Day

I feel like this is an important post for me to make today.  Mother's Day for me has always been a day of sadness.  It was a constant reminder of what others had and I didn't, but wanted so badly it hurt.  Sometimes it was a day where I allowed myself to be hopeful of what was to come.  If we were in the middle of a treatment or getting ready to start one, I would sometimes dream of "next mother's day we will have an (insert number here) month old to celebrate with! Only to have that treatment fail. 

Then after losing Zoey and Piper it took on a whole new meaning.  Then, Mother's Day was a constant battle of Mothers celebrating with their children while I felt mine being forgotten by others as I tried to celebrate them in Heaven.  It was feeling my heart shattering when I wasn't recognized as a mother, or crying tears of joy when a select few took time out of their day to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. 

This is my first Mother's Day where I can actually celebrate along with all other mothers.  It's the first time I can relate and laugh about sleepless nights and crazy child antics.  For the first time, I'm feeling what I have wanted and hoped to feel on this day for SO MANY YEARS.  Happiness.  A sense of fulfillment.  Accomplishment.  love.

At the same time, though, my heart is torn.  Let me be clear on this: Xander and Londyn did not replace Zoey and Piper. Sometimes I feel like so much love and attention is given to Xander and Londyn, that Zoey and Piper are pushed out of the picture.  I find myself thinking less and less of them as I adjust more and more to life with Xander and Londyn.  And that scares me sometimes.  I never want to lose my bond with my girls.  I never want a Mother's Day to go by where I don't recognize them.  I never want their birthday to go by without honoring them.  And I never want Xander and Londyn to think they are the only children of this family.  Because they aren't.  They have 2 beautiful Heavenly sisters who I know are elated to see our family finally complete.  I love posting monthly updates of the twins, but don't think for one second I don't also remember how old our girls would be right now (3.5 years) and what they would be doing right now (wearing bows, taking gymnastics, getting ready for preschool, feeding bottles to their siblings)
. 
I am so happy to celebrate Mother's Day this year in the same way everyone else celebrates Mother's Day.  But remember a piece of my mind and a piece of my heart are still in Heaven with my first born babies.

I love you Zoey and Piper.  Thank you for making me a mother.  You Are Not Forgotten. 

8 months

This is getting to be so much fun!! I love watching these tiny babies grow and develop their own little personalities, and I love sharing it with everyone on here!
This month was hilarious.  I'm going to talk about them each individually first because they are so different!  Then I will talk about them together 😀

Ladies first! Let's talk about Londyn Mae.  She is my chatty Kathy!  This month she has really upped her babbling game.  Her favorite thing to do right now is blow raspberries and make razzing sounds... and get spit everywhere!!  She does it all the time.  After eating. During nap. When she wakes up.  When shes playing.  She literally has a little rash on her chin because it's constantly wet with spit 🙄 She has also started babbling "dada" and "mama" which is so stinking cute!  She is crawling.... unfortunately it's only backwards right now.  But man can she cross a room in reverse! 😂😂 Also, she can sit unassisted.. but she chooses not to.  When on her mat with a toy in front of her, she will sit and play for a minute, then throw herself backwards and play with it with her feet.  If I'm sitting behind her, she thinks it's hilarious to fall back on me and for me to push her back up.  She will crack up.. it's her favorite game! So we say she has the ability, but not the desire.  And honestly I would expect nothing less from my little independent diva!

Xander. IS. WILD.  Y'all.. when I say he is all boy. HE IS ALL BOY.  His favorite thing to do right now is jump.  If he's put in his bouncer or Einstein activity center he will jump for a good 40 minutes non stop.  He also loves being thrown in the air and slammed down (not SLAMMED but you know what I mean) onto the bed.  When you hold him he will pinch, grab, slap, kick, try to jump, etc.!  He loves to grab both sides of your face and pull it towards his to make you give him a kiss.  He is a lover.. but an aggressive one for sure 😆.  He also LOVES dogs.  All dogs, but especially his!  Every time Piglet walks by him or sniffs his face, he smiles so big!  He loves petting her and will scream in her direction to call her over to him.  He is an expert sitter.  I can sit him down on the mat and walk away to do something else and he will just sit and play contently without falling until I get him.  He is trying to crawl but mainly it's just flailing about really really fast 😂😂 He is absolutely crazy and I'm predicting lots of grey hairs in the near future!

One of the biggest challenges this month has been their sleeping.  I have become more lenient with their nap times because they are sleep trained so I figured it was just teething or a developmental thing, so I got into a habit of getting them up from nap when they cried, even if they still had like 30 minutes left.  It was working fine until it wasn't.  Slowly but surely it got to the point where we went from taking 2 hour naps to taking like 45 minute naps.  This threw our schedule totally off to the point that we were done with all our naps by like 4pm and they were supposed to make it to 7pm bedtime (yeah right). So naturally they were going to bed earlier and earlier.. even being put to bed by like 6:10pm.  Of course this made for an early wake up (6am instead of 7am) which made the day all wacky.  So because of my lack of consistency I'm now having to do some retraining in the sleep department!  This morning they wanted to get up at 5:15am y'all.  Hell to the NO!  So I had to listen to them cry for almost an hour.. which was so hard on my heart because I haven't had to do that in months.  BUT they did go back to sleep and slept until our 7am wake up time and now our day is right on track!  So I definitely need to do a better job of staying consistent with that.

Overall this month was wonderful!  Next month is their 9 month well check, and Will and my 7 year wedding anniversary!  We are in the process of planning their 1st birthday party (whaaaat!!) and are excited for the twins to experience many pool days this summer!  Stay tuned 😉