Mother's Day

I feel like this is an important post for me to make today.  Mother's Day for me has always been a day of sadness.  It was a constant reminder of what others had and I didn't, but wanted so badly it hurt.  Sometimes it was a day where I allowed myself to be hopeful of what was to come.  If we were in the middle of a treatment or getting ready to start one, I would sometimes dream of "next mother's day we will have an (insert number here) month old to celebrate with! Only to have that treatment fail. 

Then after losing Zoey and Piper it took on a whole new meaning.  Then, Mother's Day was a constant battle of Mothers celebrating with their children while I felt mine being forgotten by others as I tried to celebrate them in Heaven.  It was feeling my heart shattering when I wasn't recognized as a mother, or crying tears of joy when a select few took time out of their day to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. 

This is my first Mother's Day where I can actually celebrate along with all other mothers.  It's the first time I can relate and laugh about sleepless nights and crazy child antics.  For the first time, I'm feeling what I have wanted and hoped to feel on this day for SO MANY YEARS.  Happiness.  A sense of fulfillment.  Accomplishment.  love.

At the same time, though, my heart is torn.  Let me be clear on this: Xander and Londyn did not replace Zoey and Piper. Sometimes I feel like so much love and attention is given to Xander and Londyn, that Zoey and Piper are pushed out of the picture.  I find myself thinking less and less of them as I adjust more and more to life with Xander and Londyn.  And that scares me sometimes.  I never want to lose my bond with my girls.  I never want a Mother's Day to go by where I don't recognize them.  I never want their birthday to go by without honoring them.  And I never want Xander and Londyn to think they are the only children of this family.  Because they aren't.  They have 2 beautiful Heavenly sisters who I know are elated to see our family finally complete.  I love posting monthly updates of the twins, but don't think for one second I don't also remember how old our girls would be right now (3.5 years) and what they would be doing right now (wearing bows, taking gymnastics, getting ready for preschool, feeding bottles to their siblings)
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I am so happy to celebrate Mother's Day this year in the same way everyone else celebrates Mother's Day.  But remember a piece of my mind and a piece of my heart are still in Heaven with my first born babies.

I love you Zoey and Piper.  Thank you for making me a mother.  You Are Not Forgotten.