Milestone 3 complete!!

YaY!! last week we reached milestone 3: Week 28 very early preterm: odds of survival are good, but with long NICU stay.  My husband said it best when he said "every day after 20 weeks is a party."  At this point in the pregnancy, I can feel them moving around like crazy, and that takes away so much of my stress.  Just when I begin to panic, I feel a quick kick to the ribs or a weird rolling sensation and know they are doing fine!  As promised, we have done so many things since I've last blogged!

We've had 2 ultrasounds since my last post.. 1 on July 5th and another on July 19th to do a growth scan, check my vitals, and check on Londyn's heart.  The good news is, the skipping of her heart is no longer present!  We listened and watched 5 different times and it was not present on any of the scans.  She seems to have grown out of it.. yay!  But in true twin fashion, as soon as she was cleared, Xander presented a problem.  Apparently, he has a dilated ureter.  This means he has a narrowing of his ureter, which is causing a slight backup in his left kidney.  The doctor said this could be a blockage, a kink, or a birth defect.  We checked it again on the July 19th ultrasound and it was still present with no real change.  Just like with Londyn, the doctor isn't concerned with this problem at all.  He said 95% of the time, babies grow out of this issue before birth, or a few weeks after.  He said if the ureter is still dilated at our 35 week ultrasound, he will refer us to a pediatric urologist to discuss the testing X will need after birth to determine if he will need surgery.  I'm glad it's not a serious issue, but I do hope he grows out of it.. no one wants their baby undergoing surgery before their first birthday!  So, I'll keep you updated on that front.  As for me, my vitals have been good!  Blood pressure and weight have been right on track.  I took the glucose challenge test and a blood test to check for anemia during our July 19th appointment and are waiting for the results from that.. but so far everything looks okay!

We have also done a bunch of hospital classes since my last post!  Over the past 2 weeks, Will and I have taken a breastfeeding class, a hospital tour, a multiples class, and infant CPR.  All of these were done at Centennial, where we will be delivering.  All of the classes were super informative and I feel very comfortable with the hospital and staff.  We were able to visit the labor and delivery rooms, the nursery, even the NICU!  We were also given pre-registration instructions.  It's still surreal to me that next week I will be registering for a c-section to deliver 2 healthy babies.

So now for some fun stuff!!  On July 18th we did a maternity photo shoot and it was amazing!! Our location was on a beautiful farm that Will was obsessed with.. I swear if that house was for sale we would be moving this week.  But man.. it was BLAZING hot.  By the time we finished I was literally drenched in sweat, red faced, frizzy haired, and exhausted.  I was nervous they wouldn't look good.. but our photographer was amazing and she made them look absolutely beautiful.  We have only seen a few so far, and will get the full set of pictures sometime next week.  I am so excited to see them!! This will most likely be the only time I will ever be pregnant, so to have these memories captured in this way is priceless to me.  I am so ready to get their newborn photos taken, not to mention Christmas cards, family photo shoots... she has definitely earned a lifetime customer in me.  Poor Will.. he hates taking pictures.. too bad so sad, lol!

On July 22nd we had our baby shower!! Oh my gosh, it was SO MUCH FUN!! I've basically been planning my baby shower on a secret pinterest board for about 5 years now, so to actually be able to create it was a surreal feeling.  My mom basically put the whole thing together, she was amazing.  All of our family and closest friends came to celebrate, and X and L got some of the cutest outfits ever.  They also got a ton of books and lots of diapers.  I think the cutest thing was the family squad shirts my sister-in-law had made for X and L's whole family.  Everyone is going to wear them to the hospital when they're born.  I told them they are going to look like the cast of the hangover walking through the doors, lol!  X and L even got their own squad onesies!

Sorry for the long post, but we have been super busy this month!! Things will definitely start slowing down event-wise as this month draws to a close.  It's getting harder and harder to move around or be busy for long periods of time, especially in this brutal heat.  But, we will still be busy with doctor's appointments!  We have one 8/3, another 8/17.. and after that we will start going once a week, and eventually twice a week.  We are also meeting with the twins' pediatrician on 8/3, and have a fun 4D ultrasound on 8/12!  So, if we aren't going to some sort of doctor's appointment, you'll probably find me sitting in a recliner in the air conditioning.

Our next milestone is Milestone 4: Week 32 early preterm: odds of survival are very good with little NICU time.  We will reach this milestone on 8/16.  However, a personal milestone for me is reaching 30 weeks.  It's just something about being out of the 20's that is going to feel like a huge deal to me.  We will basically be celebrating by completing the nursery and getting the 4D ultrasound.  I am super excited about this, because now that the twins are bigger, it's harder to see them at our appointments.  Mostly, it just looks like a big blob on the screen.  Sometimes We'll catch sight of an arm or legs, but mostly it's just measurements and heartbeats.  So we are excited to see their sweet faces and connect with our sweet babies!!

Thanks for reading!! Here are some pictures of our maternity shoot and our baby shower!  I'll blog again when we reach our 4th milestone, 32 weeks!

Touchdown!! Milestone 2 complete!

LET'S CELEBRATE!!

I am 24 weeks today!!  I don't think I can fully express the gravity of this milestone.  I was a person who went into active labor at 20 weeks, and was told that there was literally nothing that could be done for me or my babies.  The medications used to stop labor were ineffective until 23 weeks, and babies born before 24 weeks can not be saved.  But, hey, we will give you some IV fluids to hydrate you!! To be told that your body was failing your babies and there is literally nothing you can do, is the most helpless, gut wrenching feeling a human can experience.  So, here we are today at 24 weeks.  For me, this means that I CAN get the medicine to stop contractions if they start.  The doctors will be able to stop labor and avoid disaster instead of looking me in the face with pity and saying "we can't do anything".  And even if they can't stop labor with medication, the doctors will do everything in their power to save my babies if they were to arrive tomorrow.  This milestone means Xander and Londyn have a fighting chance, no matter what happens.  It's a deep breath I can take, and gives me a little more reassurance to just relax a little bit, because these babies are coming home!!

The first thing we did to celebrate this milestone was have an ultrasound!  Little known fact, babies conceived via IVF are at higher risk for heart defects/abnormalities.  Because of this, my high risk doctor recommended echocardiograms for the twins to make sure everything looks ok.  This ended up being a 2 hour ultrasound because both babies were being crazy wiggleworms the entire time!! She said she was fighting both of them the whole time trying to get all the pictures, haha! The good news is both hearts are structurally perfect.  The not so good news is that Londyn has a little skipping thing going on with her heart.  Sometimes her heart will double beat.  The doctor said this is a super common problem that she will most likely grow out of.  He said he would be concerned if the skipping was consistent (ex: every 5 beats) or if she had an accelerated heart rate (upwards of 200).  Her heart rate was 149 and the skip is inconsistent.. it actually didn't even skip at all when the doctor looked at it.. only when the ultrasound tech was listening!  So, he said it's nothing to be concerned about.  Hopefully it is gone by our next appointment. 

The second thing we did to celebrate was finalize baby shower stuff!! Will's work is throwing us a baby shower on June 27th, and our baby shower will be July 22nd.  We are doing a vintage winnie the pooh theme (their nursery theme) so we are in the process of getting the food ideas, cake and game ideas, finishing up the registry, and sending out the invites.  I can't wait to collect baby things, and learn how to use them!

Our next appointment is on July 5th.  We will do another growth scan on the munchkins and check on Londyn's heart.  Our next milestone goal is Milestone 3: Week 28 very early preterm: odds of survival are good, but with long NICU stay.  We will reach this goal on July 19th, and we will celebrate by having a maternity photo shoot and (of course) the baby shower!!

I'll post again with lots to report after our baby shower!  Until then, enjoy this big belly, ha!

20w5d

Well folks, here we are.  20 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  The day Zoey Jane and Piper Ivy entered and exited the world.  It's been pretty surreal for the past few weeks, if I'm being honest.  For example, last week Will and I went grocery shopping, and I clearly remember thinking:  At this point last time, I was in Vanderbilt, hooked up to contraction monitoring machines and IV's and in Trendelenburg position, scared out of my mind.  And here I am today loading and unloading groceries.  Each day I have woken up, remembering the events of that gestational age with the girls.  This is the day I was put on bedrest.  This is the day I was bused by ambulance to Vandy.  This is the day I was sent home with a 'good luck'.  Until finally, today, the day the girls died.  Ironically, we had an ultrasound today.  Totally unplanned for it to be on THIS particular day, but here we were.  I didn't know what to expect, because I obviously never made it to a 20 week ultrasound.  The first thing she did was measure my cervix.  The average length for a singleton pregnancy is 3cm, for twins it is usually shorter.  With the girls, I was 1.8 at 18 weeks, 0.8 at 19 weeks, and then no cervix at all until eventually I dialated and lost them.  Just giving that information for comparison.. because my length today was a whopping 3.95cm!! The doctor said it is "nice and long" with "no problems indicated".  I can not tell you how amazing those words were, and how cool it is to see this abdominal cerclage doing it's thing.. saving my babies!!

Speaking of babies... Xander and Londyn are perfect!! He said they are both "thriving" in there, with only a 3% growth descrepancy between them, with X being a little bit bigger.  He is only concerned if the discrepency is in the 20-30% range, so these nuggets are good as gold :)

The only thing my doctor did talk to me about that was on the negative side was preterm labor.  He basically said that if my body were to go into labor, it would be extremely risky with the abdominal cerclage because the babies are trying to go to the birth canal, but they can't.  So, if they can't stop contractions, my uterus could rupture, I could have internal bleeding, I would need an immediate c-section, etc.  He said I need to be really careful and aware of my body, and monitor contractions if I have them, and come in IMMEDIATELY.  Luckily (unluckily?) I know exactly what contractions feel like at this point in the pregnancy, because of the girls.  It's hard to forget feeling those contractions and knowing your world was about to collapse.  So I know for a hard fact that I have not had any contractions thus far.  I am making sure I drink a TON of water and stay off my feet as much as possible.  At the end of this scary conversation he said "but to be honest I have a really good feeling about this pregnancy and foresee you delivering closer to 36-37 weeks with no problems."  Music to my ears!!

So, it's officially official, I no longer have a previous pregnancy to compare this one to.  Uncharted waters people!!  Our next ultrasound is 6/20, where we will be doing fetal echocardiograms on X and L.  A lovely 2 hour appointment :-)

In one of my (many) twin pregnancy books, it talks about splitting your pregnancy into milestones.  Thinking of each milestone as a "Touchdown", and visualizing every touchdown as being one step closer to winning the big game: bringing home 2 healthy babies as the trophy!  The milestones are as follows:

Milestone 1: week 20 pregnancy is no longer a "miscarraige" but "infant death" (and- past the girls' birth age! I threw that part in there)

Milestone 2: week 24 border of viability.  Life saving measures will be taken if babies are born at this time or later

Milestone 3: Week 28 very early preterm: odds of survival are good, but with long NICU stay

Milestone 4: Week 32 early preterm: odds of survival are very good with little NICU time

Milestone 5: Week 36 late preterm: twins are often born this week!!

Milestone 6: Week 39 full term for twins

So, right now we are working on milestone 2, which we will reach June 21st, right after our ultrasound!  So I will probably blog again at that point.  Until then, here are my little munchkins! Baby A- Londyn Mae                                   Baby B- Xander James

Surprise!

Hi everyone!

Well, today I made a big announcement, I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins! Since I haven't posted anything since my last miscarraige (I actually had to go back and look at the last thing I posted... it's been forever!) I feel like I have A LOT to catch you up on.  I hope you have a lot of stamina because this is going to be a long one!

So, after the d&c in June, I was done.  I was numb and I just didn't want to do it anymore.  My doctor looked me in the eye and said things like "these things just happen sometimes" and told me I have "bad luck" and gave me a therapist's card. So I decided I couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't keep putting myself through the same thing over and over and over and getting the same results each time.

So I waited a few months.  In those months, I prayed.  I felt torn.  I knew I didn't want to keep throwing myself in the fire, then crying about getting burned.  But at the same time, my heart could not let go of wanting a child.  I couldn't make myself accept being childless, much as I tried (and believe me, I tried.)  So I prayed and prayed and prayed.  And then one day, God spoke to me.  He told me to get up and try again.  He told me I have to means to achieve the desires of my heart if I just stop and think before I go the easy route again (throw myself into another cycle with the exact same doctor, medication, procedure, etc.) We had one more IVF covered on our insurance, so I decided that if I was going to do this, I was doing it completely different.

The first thing I did was find a new doctor.  I knew I needed fresh eyes to look at my case and get his opinion before moving forward with a cycle.  I transferred all my records to the Center for Reproductive Health and decided my new doctor would be Dr. Vasquez.  We met with him in August.  After being told there was nothing wrong with me, I had perfect cycles, I had bad luck, etc. I really didn't know what to expect.  I felt like he was going to tell me the same thing as Dr. Hill, I would have no answers as to why I couldn't get and stay pregnant, and I would have the same results with the last cycle I would ever be able to afford.  So when we sat down, the first thing out of Dr. V's mouth was:
"You look very defeated.  I can take care of you from the science persepective, but you have to fix your mindset.  You have to be positive and have faith that this will work."
Hearing him say that made me realize how different of an experience this was going to be.  Just knowing Dr. V saw me as a person and cared about my wellbeing, not just my chart, was amazing to me.  I fully trusted him from that point on.
Dr. V said the first thing we have to do is figure out why the embryos are failing to implant or are dying off.  He ordered a Lupron challenge test (to test for hormone imbalances in the egg) and a hysteroscopy (to test for clotting disorders, uterine lining issues, etc.) I told him I had never heard of these tests before, and that they were never offered at NFC, and he said they would probably find something wrong and fix it, so I could get and stay pregnant.

In August, we completed the Lupron Challenge test and the Hysteroscopy.  The results were mind blowing.  It turns out, I have a hormonal imbalance in my eggs.  The basic results of the lupron challenge test were this: the LH hormone was supposed to at least double (.5) in 24 hours.  Mine only went up .02!! He said this means my hormones could not sustain the embyo once it reached the blastocyst stage, which is why they weren't that great of a quality on day 5, while they were amazing on day 3.  The hysteroscopy found that I have a clotting disorder called factor 5.  Dr. V thinks this answers the mystery of why I miscarried at 6 weeks in June, after amazing HCG levels.  He thinks I shot a blood clot to the placenta, preventing the baby from getting enough nutrients and causing it to eventually die.  The hysteroscopy also found I have an MTHFR gene mutation, which basically means my body can not absorb folic acid.  Actually, excess folic acid is toxic to my body.  That would have been good to know, when NFC was giving me triple dose folic acid.....ANYWAY. The treatment plan was as follows:
-Begin heparin immediately to treat factor 5
-Begin specialty prenatal vitamins w/ replacement folic acid and folbee
-IVF egg retrieval, then genetically test all embryos to rule out abnormalities
-Frozen transfer of 2 genetically sound embryos

We honestly planned to do all this over the summer (June 2017), but when we spoke to the financial counselor, she told us that we had met our annual out of pocket deductible, so if we did IVF before January, it would be 100% covered!! It was like God was saying "This is it Tifani. This is what you've been waiting for.  This is your answer.. take it!!" So that's what I did.

We started the egg retrieval process in November.  It was rough.  I was on A LOT of hormone medication, and a lot of it was new to me, and I was struggling with keeping it all a secret.. especially when I was having to miss a lot of work, as well as the 2nd anniversary of losing the girls.. it was just a lot.  If I wasn't crying, I was biting someone's head off.  It was just.... it was bad.  I'm sorry for everyone I was a b*tch too.. please forgive me as you now know the real reason why!!

One day after our girls' second angelversary, we had our egg retrieval.  I'm going to be real honest and say I was expecting like 30+ eggs.  I was on quadruple the amount of meds as NFC, and the plan was to get as many eggs as humanly possible so we had the best chance for normal embryos.  So when Dr. V said he only retrieved 16, I lost it. I was so upset.  I thought, here we go again.. the beginning of the end.  Dr. V said that the low number, despite crazy high meds, is a result of the LH hormonal imbalance.  He said my body just can't process the meds as effectively as it should.  So all I could do was PRAY that those eggs made embryos, and those embryos be genetically normal.

So we get the call the next day that out of 16, 14 fertilized.  Great number! ok, started to feel a little better again.  But then, on day 5, we get the dreaded call.  Only 4 of our 14 embryos made it to blastocyst and were able to be sent for genetic testing.  I honestly felt my world crash down.  I thought, there is no way this is happening.  I just knew they would all come back abnormal, and it would be over.  They said the results wouldn't be back for another 3 weeks, so I was basically in Hell for a while, torturing myself over the results to come!!

The call came a week and a half later.  Immediately I thought, they are calling so soon because they were all abnormal.  So my nurse says "Hey Tifani, I'm calling to give you the results of your pregenetic testing" (I'm crying at this point) she proceeds to say "You have 2 genetically normal embryos, would you like to know the genders?......hello?" (I forgot how to speak) finally I choked out a yes and she said "you have a perfect boy and a perfect girl"  I couldn't believe it!! A boy and a girl.  2 genetically perfect babies.  Out of the 4,  2 were normal, 1 was a girl with trisomy 16, and 1 was inconclusive (this one is still frozen to be retested sometime in the future).  My nurse said the plan is to start me on the estrogen/progesterone regimen and transfer the boy and girl in January.

We had a little break between getting the results and starting the frozen transfer.  We celebrated the holidays with a little break in Mexico and basically just re-grouped to get our minds and my body ready for the procedure.  On January 24th, we transferred our baby boy and baby girl.  It was so smooth and so perfect!  We went home and I was on complete bedrest for 5 whole days.  The whole time, I was so zen and confident.  I kept thinking to myself "Dr. V has found every possible reason for this NOT to work, and fixed it.  There isn't a reason for this not to work.  It's going to work."

And sure enough, on February 3rd, we found out that it DID work! our HCG levels were great! I was so excited, but still, in the back of my mind, feared the ultrasound.  I thought to myself, I've been here before.  I got the good news and celebrated and then I was crushed.  So, then came the first ultrasound.  I was terrified.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  Speaking of beating hearts.. there they were.  2 perfect heartbeats.  2 babies measuring ahead of where they should be.  But then they found a subchorionic hematoma.  Basically, this is a pocket of blood in my uterus that can cause bleeding.  It scared me to death, but by the next ultrasound it had reabsorbed!  God is SO good. 

Since that first ultrasound, we have been going back every 2 weeks.  Each time, the babies are measuring ahead, their heartbeats are perfect, they are moving like crazy, my cervix is nice and long, everything is just perfect!  I have one more ultrasound with my fertility doctor, and then will be released to the high risk MFM. I pretty much have every high risk factor on the checklist (IVF, multiples, previous early miscarraige, previous stillbirth, clotting disorder....)

Of course, with this new pregnancy comes new emotions.  Talk to anyone who already knew the news, and they will tell you I am constantly comparing this pregnancy to the girls.  I think I have thought about them more during this pregnancy than I have in years.  I'm not sure how I will feel when I get to 20 weeks.  I am hoping I can cope emotionally, and not panic.  I'm thankful that I will be on summer break when this difficult time comes.  I have 100% faith in my transabdominal cerclage though, best $7k I've ever spent!! I know that piece of equipment will keep these babies growing for 37, maybe even 38 weeks!! But, it doesn't do much for PTSD.  So I ask for your prayers for my emotional wellbeing as we get through this!  I wish I could fast forward to September and have them safe in my arms already.

If you have made it through this whole post, go drink a glass of wine for me!! It's been a crazy 9 months, and it's just beginning!

                                                           Baby A- Londyn Mae Powell

                                                           Baby B- Xander James Powell

October 15th~ Wave of Light Ceremony!

Losing a pregnancy or infant changes you. The grief can create a world of darkness around you. All encompassing. Swirling questions, feelings of hopelessness, making it difficult to see out of.

While grief brings darkness, light on the other hand offers hope. Sight. A glimpse of what’s ahead. It is powerful and it breaks through the darkness, just enough to remind you what it’s like outside the darkness.
 
 October 15^th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.. and I would love all of my friends and family to participate in the "wave of light" in honor of Zoey and Piper! It takes a community to create this wave – those who are grieving and those who are supporting those who are grieving – and it remembers the too-short lives of lost babies and infants. It offers support and compassion in helping to break the darkness of grief that surrounds moms and dads, whose arms are empty.
You have the chance to offer light, to offer hope, to share in the compassion-giving and remind grieving families there is light outside of the darkness.



On October 15^th from 7:00 pm – 8:00 pm, in all time zones across the world, you can light a candle to remember the babies who have been lost from miscarriages, ectopic and molar pregnancies, born stillborn or lost to infant death. Because of the time zone differences, the lighting of these candles creates a “wave of light” across the world. It’s a beautiful, moving, and touching tribute to the families who have suffered. It’s not an image that will likely ever be seen, but if you are home on the 15th, even if it’s not at 7 pm, I ask you to light a candle for those who have lost their precious babies.
As these candles burn brightly, they offer a flame, a fire, the chance to light another fire and to bring more light into a dark and hopeless world of grief.

Support is like that. It offers light into a world of grief. It remembers. It gives hope that light is coming. It helps suffering families realize it’s possible to see. I can not tell you how much Will and I appreciate how supportive and loving everyone has been to us during our tumultuous battle and eventual defeat with infertility. I do hope you participate in the wave of light ceremony and help me remember Zoey and Piper, as well as any other babies lost too soon!

"That Time of Year"

Hi,
It's been quite a while since my last update, which was my failed IVF (#3).  Since then, we did a frozen embryo transfer with our last little embryo, and we got pregnant!  Our beta levels looked great and we were so very excited.  Then we got to the ultrasound.  Baby was measuring a week behind with a heart beat of 104 bpm (should have been minimum 140bpm.)  Everyone was pretty grim about the situation but our nurse told us it may be a slow grower and not to worry just yet.  We had another ultrasound scheduled one week later.  At that ultrasound, baby had regressed a day and there was only a "flicker" of a heartbeat.  In the nicest words possible, they told us our baby was dying, but we had to wait until the heart completely stopped to "confirm fetal demise" and schedule a D&C.  So, we had to wait another week and go in for another ultrasound.  2.5 weeks after getting the news that our baby wasn't going to make it, we went for our last ultrasound and were told the baby had, in fact, died.  I had a D&C 2 days later. 

But that's not really what triggered me to update the blog (the D&C was June 16).  Today I am blogging because I am struggling.

It is "that time of year".  The time of year that I start getting time hop memories of being pregnant with Zoey and Piper.  The time of year that I remember scheduling the gender ultrasound, planning the gender reveal party, thinking of a baby shower theme, creating my registry, hearing about how much bigger my belly was getting, and talking about how excited I was to be "half way there!!" 

I am not sure what it is, but I feel like the second year of this grief, for me, is harder than the first.  Maybe it's because I was still slightly numb that first year.  Maybe it's because, by this point, I honestly thought I would either be pregnant again or have a newborn.  Maybe it's because the ideas of "acts of kindness" or "having a memorial" or any of those distractions are not on my mind anymore... it's just grief that remains.  Raw, hard, sickening, take your breath away grief.

Once again (like last year) I am finding myself struggling with daily life.  It's so hard to deal with this kind of thing in my profession.  I am a first grade teacher!!! Synonymous with happy, bubbly, excited about the littlest things (example: today I had to throw a legit 30 second dance party for one of my kiddos reaching her 5 point goal on a reading app).  It's taking every ounce of strength and energy I have inside me to pull this off for my first graders every second of the day... to the point that when I am not in front of kids (walking down the hallway, at lunch, etc.) I feel like a zombie.. like my brain just needs to shut down for a second so it can gear up for the next facade session I put on for my kids. 

I hate this.  I hate having to muster up a ridiculous amount of energy just to fake happy.  I hate having nothing left to give anyone else because I give it all within the 4 walls of my classroom.  But in a weird way, I also love it.  I love this time of year because I get to remember my baby girls.  I spend 9-10 months out of the year shoving their memory to the back corners of my mind so I can survive like a normal person.  But these 3 months are dedicated to them.  These 3 months let me relive my time with them, to feel the pain, because the pain shows how much I love them. 

For me, time is not healing these wounds.  In fact, this year is actually harder than last year, because there is nothing there to mask my pain (oh I'm so sad, but I'm planning a memorial! Oh I'm so sad, but we are starting this fertility treatment!) I'm just.. sad.

I'm just sad.

Infertility-9 Tifani-0

Sorry for the hiatus friends.  Last time I posted was our egg retrieval day because, well, that was the last appointment in which I felt good about this cycle.  We went to our transfer on Sunday and I had all the same feelings I had during the last transfer.  We were waiting for the embryologist and I was sweating bullets thinking of everything that could go wrong and just praying for at least one perfect embryo.  But the difference was, I kept talking myself off the ledge.  I kept thinking 'you had a perfect one before, you will have a perfect one again, everything is fine..."  Remember we decided if we had one perfect embryo, we would transfer one, but anything less than perfect, we would do 2.  So when the embryologist walked in with pictures of 2 embryos, my heart sunk.  That meant we did not have very good embryos, and I knew it.  She was also a newer embryologist and did not have a very good poker face.  She basically said "okay, so you have a 1BB and an EBB, which is an early blast." so, somewhere along the way, our embryos slowed way down in growth and did not even make it to where they needed to be on day 5.  My heart kept saying "this won't work, this isn't going to work."  She was rambling on about assisted hatching, fragmentation, growing the others another day to see about freezing, blah blah blah but all I heard was my brain screaming, negative.  Not pregnant.  SO sorry.  I basically knew it was over before they ever transferred those 2 crappy embryos. 

We went forward with the transfer and went home to drag through the two week wait until the pregnancy test.  I never really thought I was pregnant.  So the pregnancy test was really just a formality.  Of course, we go for the blood draw and the results come back negative.  Shocker.

Mainly I was mad.  Why?!!! What went wrong?!!? Everything looked EXACTLY like it did with the girls cycle.  I was so confused.  When  I talked to my doctor, he basically said he felt the same way.  He didn't know what went wrong either.  He said everything was identical, and in one cycle, both implanted, and in the other, neither implanted.  He was like it just doesn't make sense.. but that's the frustrating thing ... the unpredictability of the reproductive system.  You can't control everything.  He thinks the embryos may be getting "lost" when they are transferred into my uterus and are unable to find their way to my uterine lining to implant.  Obviously the have their mother's sense of direction...

Going forward.. we are planning to transfer our little frozen embryo this month!  He grew for an extra day, and actually turned out a pretty dang good quality.  He is a 4BB, which is almost an A.  My doctor is putting me on an aspirin regimen this time, which will thin my blood and my it flow more freely into my uterus to make my lining more receptive to baby 4BB.  We will also be doing an endometrial biopsy this month.  Basically, the doctor will go in and my a cut inside my uterus (let that sink in.. he is going to make a CUT, on the INSIDE of my uterus...) The research shows that after making this cut, my body will send healthy blood cells to heal the injury, and in essence "guide" my lost little embryo to the lining and help him implant.  We are hoping adding these two things will make this baby stick around for 9 months!

Yes, we are upset this cycle did not work.  But honestly, losing the girls changed my entire outlook on stuff like this.  I remember my first failed cycle, I was DEVASTATED.  Like, couldn't get out of bed for a week, crying sobbing mess, thought my world had crashed around me, my life sucks why is it so easy for everyone else I hate all the things ahhhh poor pitiful me!!!!!!!! Little did I know, I didn't even know pain back then.  But now, with this cycle, I am just like, I have been through so much worse than this.  This pain is nothing.  I didn't even cry.  So it failed.. and?  I didn't miscarry.  I didn't lose another child.  We are getting reimbursed through insurance so it's not like we are out a bunch of money.  We have the money and the drive to try again this month and we have an embryo to try with.  This. Is. Nothing.!

So, As of right now, I am scheduled to willingly allow a doctor to make a pretty dang painful cut on the inside of my uterus on March 24th.  It's about as exciting as it sounds, but if it helps, so be it.  We plan to transfer little 4BB the week of April 25th.  If this doesn't work, we will plan to do full fledged IVF #39857397124 (..4) this summer.  But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I can't think of a more fitting meme for how I feel right now!