I have not posted to this blog in almost 2 years!! Lately I have been asked a lot about Will and my fertility journey. I have been keeping very quiet about everything since our failed IVF. I went through a very trying, depressing time since that phone call. Will and I struggled for many months with our marriage, and I had so many inner struggles within myself. On top of that, I was embarrassed about putting my whole journey out there to the world, just to have it all come crashing down.
A few weeks after our failure, we went back to our doctor. He said the reason it didn't work was because the embryos stopped growing after day 3. He said they looked great, then just stopped. He went ahead with the transfer, but it was a bust way before he did that (of course, no one bothered to tell us that). We then decided to try some IUI's to see if that would work. We did 5 IUIs over a year and a half span with various doses/combinations of medications. Negative after negative after negative. One IUI was a positive. We were ecstatic. We finally thought this whole nightmare was over. As luck would have it, though, I got a "not pregnant" result the day we were scheduled to get our bloodwork. Our doctor said it was a chemical pregnancy, meaning it was a miscarraige before the pregnancy was confirmed with an ultrasound. Our last negative IUI was in May. Each negative result came with another round of anger, resentment, depression, and questioning God why all of this was happening to us. Why is this so hard for us?! This is when I decided enough was enough. We have now spent over $30,000.. my body was completed messed up from all of the medications, and my soul was broken. I decided I just couldn't do it anymore, and we have not done another procedure since.
We applied for an IVF grant this summer and were not chosen. We applied for another one and are still waiting for results. We couldn't possibly apply for another loan, my credit is already ruined from the first fertility loan. I don't have it in me to ask anyone for anymore money through fundraising. It nearly killed me the first time, and I feel like everyone just wasted their money for us to fail.
I also began accupuncture in October. Accupuncture is supposed to greatly increase chances of success with IUI. My accupuncturist said I ovulate way to late in my cycle, and the doctors were giving me the trigger shot (to trigger ovulation) and releasing my eggs before they were ready. She also said my basal body temperature is too low, making it hard for my body to do what it is supposed to do. Since I have been going, my BBT has increased and my ovulation has moved up from day 20 to day 17.. so it is looking good so far! She assured me that if I listen to her and do an IUI when she says I am ready, then it will be a success. So we shall see. We are hoping to get the grant, but if not, we will try another IUI hopefully this summer. I have also been reading a lot of fertility books and joined a support group to help me cope with the emotional side of infertility.
Socially, the fertility thing has really made a mess of my life. People that I though would support me (including bridesmaids in my wedding) have completely turned against me. Friends I thought I had are no longer there. Family that I married into are now enemies. I can't expect people to understand the bitter battle of infertility. I think my problem was that I expected too much of people, because that is what I would do for them. But, I have learned my lesson, and if nothing else, God used this as a weeding out process.. to show me who I should have in my life and who I should not. And for that I am grateful.
This was probably way more than you wanted to know. I wish I had better news that this. But, I still wake up every morning next to my wonderful husband, get out of bed, look on facebook at the thousands of baby photos from basically all of my friends, go to a job that I love, and carry on with life. I know something good will happen when the time is right.. and I will be so glad to share that news when it does.. but until then.. the sun will rise every morning and I will get up with it and live my life!!
Thank you all who are still supporting and praying for us. We love all of you!
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