How to tell an infertile you're pregnant

I felt the need to write this post as an afterthought of my post titled "alone".  Afterwards, SO many people came up to me and said "I'm sorry.." "I know I have probably said hurtful things to you" or I can just tell in their heads they are thinking about every word before they say it.. praying whatever comes out doesn't throw me into hysterics.  This was NOT my intention when I wrote that post.  But that got me thinking.. people genuinely don't KNOW how to deal with someone with infertility.  They don't know what to say and not say.. do and not do.  So, I feel the need to elaborate more on my "alone" post and hopefully leave you feeling more educated and able to deal with people in my condition, rather than scared to death to talk to me.
Can we all just talk about the elephant in the room here?  The fact that I work with ALL women, and they are all getting pregnant right now. Of course everyone is SO excited to tell everyone their huge news!! Hell, when it's my turn.. I'm pretty sure I will be screaming it from the roof and hanging a banner in my front lawn.  But let me educate you on what happens when an infertile hears about someone close to them getting pregnant.
> We get instant tunnel vision
> Our palms start to sweat
> Our hearts start hammering in our chest, 100 miles an hour
> A huge lump forms in our throat
> We instantly obsess about how often we will be dragged into a conversation about pregnancy
> We can't stop thinking about how much it will hurt to see your belly growing
> We automatically start calling out to God for help as we feel a meltdown approaching

Now, do you THINK we want this to happen in front of you?  Or worse, in front of a group of people?  It is probably the most embarrassing thing ever.  People look at you like you are being rude or "selfish" for not being happy or excited, the pregnant person thinks you're mad at them, then everyone pities you, then they talk about how bad it must suck to be Tifani Powell.  People like me can't just hear about a friend being pregnant and instantly go out and ask you when you're due and how you're feeling.  We need time.  Time to grasp the concept of yet another person in my inner circle being pregnant.  Time to talk with God and have him give me even MORE strength and comfort to accept this new curveball.  Time to prepare myself for the pregnancy/baby conversations that are to come for the next 9 months or longer and for watching your body grow and change as mine still sits here empty. 

When telling an infertile you're pregnant, don't catch us off guard.  It is so embarrassing for us to have one or more people watch us crumble and hurt, and it makes us feel even worse that if makes the pregnant person feel as if she did something wrong or that we are upset at them for something.  Do shoot us a text a week or so before you tell everyone else.  Give me time to absorb this information by myself with no one watching so I can scream, cry, and drop to my knees in prayer without making anyone else upset.

Rant over!! I hope this is more of an educational post than an "I can't believe she wrote that, who is that about? Did I do something? Is she mad at me?" post.  I am trying to help people understand my situation and be more sensitive to me and others like me.

Doctor-wise.. Will and I have completed all pre-requisites (again) for IVF, and have saved all but $500 to pay for it!  We also were accepted into a program to receive 50% off all fertility meds.. which will end up being about $700 which is great!  So now I am just waiting to start my period and begin our cycle!  Thanks for reading!! :-)

And to lighten the mood.. (but seriously though!!)

IVF #2

So I realized why I have been having so many meltdowns.  It was because I knew in my heart an IUI would not work.  Let me explain what an IUI is.. **disclaimer, may be TMI for some readers.. welcome to infertility!!** An iui is when the doctor puts sperm into a syringe and attaches it to a catheter.  They insert the catheter into my uterus, dispense the sperm, and then I have to wait 2 weeks to see if it worked.  Now here is the trick,  we are using frozen sperm, which only stays alive inside the body for 12 hours, and during those 12 hours it is slow and sluggish due to being frozen and dethawed.  There are various ways to increase the VERY low chances of the sperm and egg meeting on time, such as medicine to produce more eggs to increase the sperms chances of finding one, a trigger shot to make me ovulate 24-48 hours after injecting it, etc.  But the chances of that sperm meeting that egg within the 12 hour time crunch is damn near impossible, no matter how many chinese herbs I shove down my throat or how many needles I get put in me for accupuncture.  The chances are just very slim of it working.. like winning the lottery.  So as the time was quickly approaching to me doing this IUI.. I was becoming extremely nervous.  I was already preparing myself for my world to come crashing down again with another negative and figuring out how I would pick up the pieces and go yet another year being sad and jealous and bitter and trying to work through all of those feelings yet again.. while being another $3000 in debt.  It was terrifying and I was losing my mind (as many of you saw from my last blog post....)

So my mom calls me one day while in the middle of one of my meltdowns and can not figure out why I am so sure this procedure will not work.  When I explained my reasons.. she said.. "You know what?? I am done with these IUI's.. we are doing IVF this summer."  .?!!? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I have wanted to do IVF again since the last one failed.  Let me explain the difference between IVF and IUI.  During IVF.. they literally get you pregnant outside of your body.  They put you on meds to make you produce tons of eggs.  Then when the eggs are mature they harvest the eggs and put them in a little petri dish.  They then take the frozen sperm, dethaw, and inject the sperm into the best eggs so they fertilize and become embryos.  Then they take the best embryos and insert them into your uterus to implant and become little babies and freeze the rest of the embryos for later use.  There is literally NOTHING left to chance with IVF.  It is all totally controlled.  SO of course I would rather do this (not to mention the 75% success rate.. which is even higher for me because of my age and the fact that I have been doing accupuncture AND all of my tests are great). But it is sooo expensive.  My mom said we will figure it out.  We have a lot of money saved already that we were planning to use for IUI and/or other things.. that will now be used for IVF.  I have a gofundme.com page up and running, my sister in law is donating a good chunk of money, and we may have to take out a $4500 loan.  But we WILL have the money by June (!!!!!!!!) and are looking to start a cycle in May (!!!!!!!!!!)

Infertility is so scary.  We have to pay a lot of money up front to even try to get pregnant, then have a bunch of doctors and nurses poke and prod and prescribe meds .. we can't just lock the bedroom door and light some candles (wouldn't that be nice).  Then if it doesn't work, we can't just "try next month".. we have to go back to saving and go through the grieving process once again.  I can't even explain the headache trying to have a baby is to someone who doesn't have fertility issues.. though I try through this blog.  So yes, we are scared.  Yes, it is a HUGE risk.  But, with big risk comes big reward.  For the first time, I feel this coming together.  We are not freaking out for money and wondering what will happen.  Everything seems to just be falling into place.. so I pray this is a sign of good things to come.  We shall see.  I will try my best to keep everyone updated as we go through this exhausting journey with IVF once again.  Please pray for us and wish us luck!! Here we go!!

Gofundme link