Does anyone even read this anymore? I can't believe I started it in 2011, thinking it would be an educational, informative blog about IVF, from consultation to cute little baby. Now here it is, 2015, writing the most depressing blog ever. Oh and by the way, still no baby (living, anyway).
We miss our girls. But it's so hard to describe what exactly it feels like to miss your own babies after the beginning stages of constant breakdowns and sob sessions. If I could relate it to something, I would relate to that soreness you have after a really hard workout. When you're asleep, you don't hardly feel it. When you wake up it hits you all at once. You don't even want to move, you just want to lay perfectly still or go back to sleep so you can't feel how sore you are. But you can't do that. So you get up (ow), take a shower(ow), get ready(ow), go to work, cook dinner, clean... etc. etc. You function like a normal person, but you are soo sore. I have that kind of dull soreness right at the center of my soul. No one knows I live with this soreness every day because I don't talk about it. I mostly don't want people to pity me or associate me with sadness and heartache. So I do everything I did before Zoey and Piper, but now everything is so much harder because of the soreness I have to carry with me every day, forever.
Honestly, I'm thankful for the soreness. I'm thankful I am even able to go back to "normal", some people in my support group are still on antidepressants and still out of work. I'm thankful for the plethora of memory items I have for them and that I can look at their pictures and feel love, and not have a meltdown. I'm thankful that I hurt for them because it means I won't forget them.
I wish I could talk about my new babies like other moms. I wish it wasn't awkward when people ask if I have kids. I wish I could post pictures of my girls on facebook and talk about cute things they do. I wish I could hold other peoples newborns or listen to baby conversations without dying a little inside. I wish my girls were here.
I hope no one I know has to experience this soreness. I hope people understand why I slink away from anything baby related and don't get offended. I hope people don't feel uncomfortable talking to me because of the blanket of grief I carry around with me. I hope people see me for more than just a girl with horrible luck with fertility.
So for the most part, everything is back to normal in our lives. But next time you work out really hard, and feel that soreness in the morning, remember that is what it feels like to miss your child when the dust settles, right in the center of your soul. Don't feel sorry for me though.. it's a good soreness. It is a soreness completely reserved for my sweet baby girls. And for that, I am thankful.
If anyone still reads this, you are a trooper!!
You are amazing. This is a perfect post. I know that soreness oh too well and you are spot on. One of my favorite quotes was ""Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart throbs. " love to you sweet mama.
ReplyDeleteI read most of your post yesterday, You are strong women and amazing personne. I have blog about IVF too,but it s in my country language Madagascar). Hope all best for us.
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