It has been a very hard few weeks. My girls' official due date was March 24th, but being twins they would have been here a few weeks early. So right now, I should be on maternity leave. I should be getting NO sleep, learning how to feed and change 2 babies, and taking a ridiculous amount of pictures and clogging everyone's news feed with newborn twin pictures. I've learned that for the rest of my life I will be thinking in terms of how old my twins would be and what I should be doing with them right now. All the way from potty training, to bringing them to school with me everyday, to proms and weddings. I'm sure it will hurt less as the years pass, but it will never go away. I will never forget about my girls, and I don't want to. I am writing a letter to them at the end of this entry, and I will do this every year around this time for the rest of my life. I can only hope my girls can read my thoughts, and I hope God will hold them in his arms and explain to them how much their mommy loves them and continues to honor their memory always and forever.
It is so difficult to think about the future. For one, no baby could ever replace my girls. They have left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. But I can't give up on my dream of being a mom. I just can't. I know I am only 27 and I have plenty of time to become a parent, so I have to think about what the future looks like for me. Also, I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant. Most doctors say if I get pregnant again, I can get a cerclage and "probably" carry to term, with lots of bedrest and progesterone shots. I'm not sure if you know this, but progesterone shots are given with a 2 inch intramuscular needle. The medicine is in oil, so it is very thick and gives you a ridiculous charlie horse when it goes in. I had to take it for 65 days with the girls and by the time I was finished, I thought I was going to die. My entire butt was bruised and scarred. I can not imagine having to take these every day for 9 months. I would also have to be on bedrest from 16 weeks until delivery. I was on bedrest for 10 days with the girls and it was excruciating. I could never have a baby shower, set up a nursery, register at babies R us, take maternity photos, and I would get very weak, making labor the worst experience ever. All of this for an only 80% success rate. Well as you know, I am NEVER on the good side of those kinds of statistics. I can almost guarantee you the cerclage would fail for me and I would lose yet another baby. I truly do not think I can go through that again.
Luckily for me, there is another kind of cerclage, the TAC (transabdominal cerclage). This is placed pre pregnancy. It is placed super high on the cervix, so it never has a chance to dilate or shorten. This cerclage has a 99% success rate!! I would not have to have any bedrest and NO progesterone shots. I could also carry twins with this cerclage. I remember being SO frustrated with my doctors as I was in the process of losing the girls, and hearing them saying "oh this does not work with twins" "this cerclage will not hold in a twin pregnancy" "research says this will not work with twins". When we do IVF again, I will definitely transfer 2 embryos. There is just something about going through the whole process of IVF that makes you not want to gamble on just one embryo. But last time I transferred 2 we were blessed with twins. I just know transferring one will result in a negative, and 2 will result in twins. Having a TAC is the only thing that will ensure a healthy baby at the end of the road, be it one or two. I am excited to take this precaution before I think about doing any other treatments.
Another blessing comes in the form of Will's new job!! His insurance covers (wait for it...) 90% of IVF!!! we will be enrolling in November, and possibly starting another round of IVF (third times a charm???) in summer 2016 (with a TAC).
Until then, we are just trying to reset. We have booked a cruise to the Bahamas this year for our anniversary! I have wanted to go on a cruise since I was 16, but we have spent every extra dollar on fertility for the past 4 years. This year we decided to use that money for US, and are excited to get away for a week! I have also started a kickboxing workout regiment, that is really helping me get my aggression out and deal with the "anger" stage of my grief :-)
If you would like to donate to my TAC surgery, I have a gofundme page I will link at the end of this entry. I know, it is ridiculously selfish to ask for money again, especially after I JUST said I booked a cruise. Rest assured we are putting money back to get this surgery, but I would really like to get it this summer, as it has a pretty lengthy recovery time and I want to get it long before we start another IVF to eliminate any risk of infection and to be sure it holds steady. I won't push it, but should you feel so inclined, we would be forever grateful to you :-)
So those are the plans. rest and reset, TAC, and in 16 months, jump on the IVF train again. But for now I am grieving. So without further ado, this is for you ZoZo and Pip
Dear Zoey and Piper,
You should be keeping me up all night right now! I just now you two would have tag teamed on me. Piper would be sleeping soundly, and Zoey would start screaming and crying, which would wake Pip up, who would start crying. I would feed one and the other would need a diaper change. I'm sure I would not have showered for at least a week. I would be frustrated, frazzled, annoyed, and confused! I would be calling my sister every day to ask her how in the world she managed twin girls. I would be calling my mom to come over and calling for backup every hour. But it would be the most beautiful chaos I've ever heard. The silence without you here when you should be is deafening. You could cut it with a knife. My chest physically hurts when I think about what my life should look like right now if God didn't take you from me. Zoey, I miss the crazy flips you did in my belly all day and all night. You always made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. If daddy ever wanted to feel the babies move, I would always say "put your hand over here, Zoey is flipping again!!" The doctors could never find your heartbeat.. and I would say "is she ok!?!?!" and they would say "yes.. she just won't be still!!" We always knew you would be our crazy girl. Piper, I miss the way you were always stretched out when we saw you. You would always be laid all the way out, legs stretched out, hands behind your head. Your heartrate was always so much lower than your sister's because you were always napping!! We always felt bad for you because Zoey was constantly kicking you!! I remember the last time I saw you, you were all the way head down, ready to come out, but you were still stretched out, heart rate slow, just as calm as can be, despite the chaos happening around you. We always knew you would be our sweet, cuddly baby girl. I hope you two are together. I hope you can feel how much I love you and miss you. I hope you know how many people have made wonderful things in your memory. You are so loved. I promise you that if we ever have any more babies, you will always be a part of our lives. Your brothers and sisters will know about you. I will never stop talking about you. I will always wonder who you would have been. We love you so much. Happy birthday baby girls.
-Love-
Mommy
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