So, I am reading another amazing book my my favorite author (Jodi Piccoult, best author, hands down!!) called The Storyteller. In a nutshell, this 20-something girl becomes friends with a 92 year old man, who asks her to kill him because she is a Jew, and he was a Nazi leader in Auschwitz, so he feels it would be 'just'. Well, come to find out, the girl's grandmother was a prisoner in Auschwitz, and the only way she escaped death was by writing this intense story that the Nazi leader's brother was obsessed with, so he made her write 10 pages a day and in return, kept her alive. She escaped Auschwitz after her entire family, friends, camp, etc. were murdered, only to develop breast cancer later in life and have a radical mastectomy. Anyway, the 20-something girl is remembering a time she was young and saw her grandmother in the shower, noticing all of her scars, and missing breasts. When the grandmother asks the girl (who was 4 at the time) what she is looking at, she says "it's missing". The grandmother says "Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left"
Have you ever had one of those moments where you read a page of a book and literally have to close the book and stop for a second, because it strikes your soul so deeply that is catches your breath?! I had to stop reading for the night and reflect on that sentence. Looking back on my fertility journey, I have had a negative IVF, 7 negative IUI's (including 1 chemical pregnancy) and an IVF that resulted in the loss of my girls at 20 weeks. I guess now would be a good time to add that I also did an FET with our one remaining embryo from the girls' IVF in early March, which also resulted in a negative. So it is safe to say we have been through the ringer trying to bring a child into this world. Sometimes I feel like my life has been consumed by infertility. I used to eat, sleep, and breath it. I lost friends over it, drove myself into debt over it, battled depression and anxiety because of it, and almost sent my husband into an early grave dealing with me over it. But that sentence made me stop and think. Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left. Contrary to what you might assume from this blog, I have so much left of me, that does not have anything to do with infertility or child loss. I have the best husband in the world. I have 2 amazing families (mine and Will's) who have stuck by me and fought this fight with me, and carried me when I couldn't stand on my own. I have a career I thrive in with a team that has been on this roller coaster with me for 4 long years, and they have not stepped off once. Seriously, these women see me 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. They have seen my good days and my bad (not so proud of) days. They never shun me or leave my side, even though I have treated some of them like crap before!! With these 3 groups of fabulous people for me, who could be against me? I have a roof over my head, food on the table, dogs to love me, money in the bank (ehhh.. ok so that one is not as constant as the rest..), and a room full of first graders who think I hung the moon. Look how much of me is left.
On a medical note.. I had my phone consult with Dr. Haney about my TAC! I told him everything, and he said I am a classic case of incompetent cervix. He explained it like this:: Your cervix is like a spool of thread. There is the middle, plastic part.. and the outside "thread" part. Basically, my cervix does not have the plastic part. It is just the soft thread. So obviously, at the first sign of pressure, it begins to give way, funnel, shorten, etc. He said I will always have this condition. It was not just due to twins, like my other doctor made me believe. He said the bands we will put in are like a flat shoelace. They are made of merciline and can hold up to 100 pounds!! So obviously it would not be a problem carrying twins again. This was a big concern of mine because we are definitely transferring 2 for our next IVF, because we transferred 1 during the FET and, well, epic fail. So twins again is a high possibility. As a matter of fact, Dr. Haney said women with a TAC have a better twin pregnancy than women who don't have incompetent cervix at all, because my cervix will be able to hold more weight (100lbs?!?!!!) than a normal cervix can. He told me to think of it like a wedding ring. Say you smash your hand against the wall, and it begins to swell. What happens to the ring? Absolutely nothing. It stays exactly as it should, regardless of the swelling or pressure (just like the uterus with a growing baby), So I was super excited by the time I got off the phone with him!! We scheduled the surgery for July 15th at 8am. MORE good news:: I got selected to teach summer school!! This job will give me about $1800.. which will pay for most of my surgery. I also have another fundraiser coming up on May 4th, and my gofundme page is still up. I am hoping to make at least $600 on gofund me to pay for the hotel stay (I have to stay at the hotel attached to the surgery center so Dr. Haney can come check on me before/after surgery.. for the LOW LOW price of $305/night). I can't tell you how excited I am to get this surgery behind me and have my body cured of the awful condition that killed my girls.
So, lots of positivity in this post :) From now on, when I start feeling sorry for myself, I am going to remember that sentence that made me stop and question my entire mindset. "Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left."
I am attaching another link to my gofundme page, if you would like to help me reach my $600 goal! we only need about $300 more!! I am also attaching a picture of the TAC bands they will use for my surgery (I highly encourage you to NOT google this.. seriously..) AND a link to the book I am reading. It really is a phenomenal book, if you are looking for a good read!
GoFundMe The StoryTeller
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