Third Ultrasound

So today I went for my third ultrasound!  I was actually scanned by the new NFC doctor, who was great!  He was very detailed, showed me where the needle would go to aspirate my follicles, told me my lining and follicle measurements, he was great!  He said it is normal for one ovary to work better than the other, and in my case my left ovary is the "work horse" of this cycle.  He then said he thought my follicles would need another couple of days worth of stimulation meds, and I probably wouldn't be able to trigger on Sunday.  So I was thinking my retrieval wouldn't be until maybe Wednesday or even Thursday!

Well, apparently Zoey and Piper were having none of that!! The doctor just called me and said my E2 was 2100 and after looking at my follicles, he sees that I will indeed be able to trigger Sunday night.  So, exactly like the girls cycle, I take my trigger shots Sunday at 9:45pm and will have my egg retrieval 8:45 Tuesday morning! 

I love having my 2 little cheerleaders guiding this cycle every step of the way.  I will update you after the egg retrieval :-)


                                 My ovaries right now.. except Gonal-F/Menopur.. not Clomid!

                                           
                                                             Current Mindset <3 <3

Ultrasound #2, signs from my girls

Remember when I said I wouldn't blog as much this cycle?  Well, I lied :-)

Today I had ultrasound #2.  It was the normal bloodwork to test estrogen levels and then ultrasound to measure follicle sizes.  After the ultrasound I met with Tina to do a med count and just talk.  She said she and Dr. Hill keep flipping back and comparing this cycle with our last cycle.  Everything is still weirdly similar.  I am on the exact same medication, my appointments are on the exact same days of the week, bloodwork numbers are almost identical.  This fact is so bittersweet to me.  On the one hand, its wonderful, because the girls' cycle went perfect.  Great quality embryos, both implanted, healthy.  I would have 2 beautiful baby girls if it wasn't for my stupid defective cervix.  On the other hand, the similarities are making me miss Zo and Pip so much.  It's not that I have forgotten them over the past 15 months, but I have compartmentalized and pushed my grief to the back of my mind.  But being back in cycle and reading over my posts from this time in their cycle, its bringing up so many memories and making me sad.  I hate that I didn't know about my incompetent cervix.  I hate that my body couldn't hold on just 8 or 10 more weeks for them.  I hate that I have to move on without them.  But then I like to think the fact that this cycle is so much like their cycle might be a little sign from them.  Like they are saying "look mom! you can do this.  Look how good you are doing!  You conceived us, now you can conceive our sibling the same way!" It makes my heart happy, and I like to think about a cute pregnancy announcement and newborn photos with Zoey and Piper's memory bears and their newborn baby brother or sister. 

Anyway, Tina called me and said my estrodial went up to a 900 which is wonderful.  She said Dr. Hill is very pleased with how this cycle is going.  We will go back on Saturday and again on Monday, when we will have a better idea of and egg retrieval date.  If Zoey and Piper have anything to do with it, it will be on Tuesday morning!

I like to think of Zoey and Piper saying this to me as they see me struggle with my emotions during this cycle.  Love my baby girls!!

Ultrasound #1

Today I went to my first ultrasound since starting stims this cycle!  I went by myself this time because I was going to go to work after, but school was cancelled for snow!! So, I had a day off :)

Tina called with the results and said she and Dr. Hill compared notes with this cycle and last (Zoey and Piper's cycle) and said everything looks "right on the money".. meaning everything is looking about the same.  My E2 today was 320 and I had bunches of little eggies growing!  I have to go back for my 2nd ultrasound Thursday, and again on Saturday.  If this cycle continues to go like the girls' cycle, I will probably have my egg retrieval on Tuesday morning, then transfer Sunday.  I feel like this is going so fast! 

If I have learned anything from our long journey thus far, it is to find humor in the madness.  Sorry to my first grade babies and to my work friends for my crazy mood swings!! :-)

 This is a legit problem...

Suppression Check

Hi everyone!
Boy, time sure does fly when you are doing IVF while working.  I have only done IVF when I am out of school for summer, so time seemed to draaaaag on.  But I had my suppression check on Tuesday, and here it is, Friday evening, and I am like AH! I forgot to blog!! SO, sorry friends!!

We went in for our suppression check on Tuesday to make sure my little ovaries are nice and settled, so we can SHOVE THEM FULL OF HORMONES AND GROW SO MANY EGGS THAT THEY ARE JUST ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!!! so.. we did our normal bloodwork and then went in for the ultrasound.  I was so excited because this was the FIRST time I would actually get to see my TAC!! I told the ultrasound tech about it and she said I was only the second patient EVER in the history of Nashville Fertility Center to have a TAC, so she was pretty excited to see it as well.  It basically just looked like a bright white line.  All I could think was, Praise God, that bright white line is going to stop me from ever losing another baby.  That bright white line is going to bring a baby into this world. That bright white line healed my broken body.  That bright white line could have saved my girls if circumstances were different.  That bright white line is going to save their brother or sister.  Needless to say I almost lost it right there on the table.  Of course the hormones didn't help any!! After seeing the TAC, the tech said I had lots of little micro follicles and everything looked great!

After the ultrasound, we met with our nurse, Tina.  Tina was with us for our cycle with the girls, and she was with us for our failed FET cycle, so we are pretty close to her.  She went over the medication (a mere formality, Lord knows I could take all this medicine with my eyes closed) and then she tentatively asked me how many embryos we were planning to transfer this time.  Honestly, I feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Yes, I know my TAC can hold twins, but there are soo many other complications with twin pregnancies, AND I would have so many awful flashbacks, I would basically be terrified the entire  time.  I would not enjoy my pregnancy at all.  I know I would be so much more relaxed if we only transfer one.  But, we did just transfer one for our frozen transfer, and that was an epic fail.  It didn't even take.  So, There are pros and serious cons to both.  I told her I didn't know what to do.  So, she said if we have a perfect embryo, grade A, already hatching, extremely high probability of taking, then we would do one.  Anything less than perfect, we would transfer 2.  I feel comfortable with that.  So, we won't know how many embryos we will transfer until the actual transfer day!

After that difficult discussion, I had to have another trial embryo transfer, which sucked, as usual.  It feels like the worst period cramps you could ever have.  They basically insert a catheter and essentially "draw a map" of where they had to go left or right to navigate the catheter from the cervix into the uterus, so there is no guess work when they try to get in there with an actual embryo.  Everyone was nervous and did not know what to expect with the TAC in place.  Luckily, the catheter went in easily and with no problems! yay!

We got our new voicemail box (repeat customers: mailbox #5), then we went to go file our taxes and have a nice lunch.  When I finally called my mailbox, Tina said my E2 level was 32, so I am officially suppressed.  I start the big guns (Gonal-F and Menopur) tomorrow evening, then have ultrasounds Tuesday, Friday, and Monday.  Hopefully on Monday we will have an egg retrieval date!

I did not get a picture of my TAC, but I found someone else's picture of what mine looked like (obviously, mine is minus the baby... for now!!).  I love my bright white line!!!

And in honor of starting 3 more injections tomorrow...

Medicine during the Snowpocalypse

So I know I said I wouldn't blog about every little thing this time, but I feel like the medicine crisis of 2016 is blog worthy!

I ordered my medicine on Wednesday, 01/20.  I was so excited because our insurance lowered the price from about $2800 down to $350, which is out of this world amazing.  So the lady said she could ship them on Thursday and have them here by Friday, so I could begin Lupron on Monday.  Great!  Not great.. Because on Friday mother nature decided to give Tennessee the most snow it has seen in 30 years and shut down the entire state!  So I am freaking out because this medicine needs to be refrigerated or it will spoil and I will have to file a claim and order more medicine and go through insurance again and explain what happened and... all before Monday when I am supposed to start Lupron.  When I was able to reach someone at Fed Ex, she says "well, the Nashville office closed at 12 (it is 3pm) so you can try tomorrow."  Basically I am seeing my whole IVF cycle go down the tubes and am thinking I will have to start all over next month.

The next day, Saturday, I call again to see if they will possibly be able to deliver the package.  I explain the whole situation and in now so nice words explain how this is $3000 of medication, not a trinket from the QVC channel, and she reluctantly begins researching where my package is.  After 45 minutes, she tells me my package was left on the truck all night after everyone apparently abandoned ship after 3 snowflakes accumulated on the ground.  At least it was cold enough to prevent it from spoiling.  She said someone would call me when my package was taken off the truck and said they would refrigerate it for me.  3 hours later a Fed Ex worker called me to let me know the package was put in the refrigerator and would be delivered Monday morning.  At this point I am just praying it is delivered before 12pm, because if I take it later than that and then take another shot Tuesday morning, it will make me sick, due to being taken too close together.

So, I finally got my medicine today at 11:15!  I unpacked that box, stabbed myself with a lupron needle, put the rest of the medicine in my refrigerator,  and took a deep breath.  What a mess! Thankfully, I am still on schedule for my suppression check on Feb. 2nd and all is well with the world.

Here we have a picture of snowpocalypse 2016, and the box of medicine that took about 5 years off my life!!

 

IVF #3!

Hi everyone!  Wow, I feel like it has been forever since I have done an update.  Not much has been going on, we have just been waiting around for our new insurance to become effective (01/01/16) to begin a new cycle.  We officially started our IVF cycle last Sunday!  I doubt I will be so detailed with blogging this time around, just because I feel like it is exhausting and redundant for those that have been following since 2011.. BUT I will be posting the important stuff (egg retrieval, transfer, etc.)  Right now I am taking birth control and getting ready to start the lupron on 01/25.. then our suppression check will be on February 2nd (Happy birthday Will!! lol)  From there we will start stimulating and go for a ton of bloodwork and ultrasounds, and finally my egg retrieval is scheduled for the week of 02/15 (Happy Valentine's Day!)  I feel like I really skimmed over this huge process but, you all know this isn't my first rodeo.  I am just praying this time we get our living baby!! OH, and the best news ever is that I don't have to take those awful intramuscular progesterone shots this time!! My nurse said that because insurance covers meds, I can use a cream instead of the shots.  Will had to give me those terrible, awful, no good very bad (teacher moment) shots for like 13 weeks with the girls, so needless to say he is about as excited as I am about this.

Sidebar~ Thank you to EVERYONE who comments  their support on my blog!  I literally had NO idea people were even commenting until I went back and re-read my last post to see where I left off.  I was like "wait what? 4 comments?!"  Honestly, this is an outlet for me, I really just type whatever comes to my brain at the moment, post it, and go on with life.  I never go back and re-read so, I am sorry to anyone who has asked questions or showed love on my posts, I promise I am not ignoring you! I'm not a very good blogger, haha! I will try to do better from now on.


So, there you have it folks!! IVF- take 3!! Please please pray for us <3 <3

Fertility after Zoey and Piper

Hi everyone!

There hasn't been much to blog about since getting my TAC in July.  I have been taking my MANY pills daily, working out, and staying very busy at work. 

Today was our first "fertility" appointment.  We had to get all of our prerequisites done.  I had to get another HSG done.  This is where they insert a catheter and inject dye into your tubes to make sure they are not blocked.  It's not really painful but it isn't exactly a walk in the park either.  Most people only need one, but this is the fourth one I have had.  I was nervous because I thought it might be painful now that I have a TAC, I was nervous about the TAC blocking the catheter, I really didn't know what to expect.

After a long wait, they finally called me back.  First, they do a little "interview".  The nurse took me to a small room, and the awkward conversation went as follows:
Nurse: Have you had one of these before?
Me: Yes, this is actually my fourth!
Nurse: OH! uhhh.. wow.. how unusual! okay.. have you ever been pregnant?
Me: Yes
Nurse: Did you deliver naturally?
Me: Yes
Nurse: And how old is the child?
Me: Um.. actually, I lost them at 20 weeks
Nurse: ....so.... you didn't deliver?
Me: ?!!? Yes, I did.. I delivered them naturally at 20 weeks.. they did not survive.
Nurse: ** akwardly writing notes** Okay... So have you had any surgeries on your uterus?
Me: No, but I had a transabdominal cerclage placed around my cervix in July
Nurse: A what?!?!
Me: Transabdominal cerclage...........
Nurse: A cerclage?! I thought those were only placed while pregnant??
Me: ... uh.. no.. it's not a regular cerclage.. it's placed abominably pre pregnancy..
Nurse: huh?? never heard of it.. you're just full of surprises!!
Me: um.. okay.. how much longer???

So yeah!! After that awful conversation, I went in the room to complete my HSG.  Luckily, I had a different nurse, who was wonderful!!  Everything came back normal (just like the first 3 times) and the doctor had no issues inserting the catheter, which lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and gave me a lot of comfort about going through IVF and the many catheters and ultrasounds that come with the territory.

After the HSG, Will and I went to the Fertility Center to complete our prerequisite bloodwork.  We both felt so strange, because we didn't see any of our "people"!  There was a new front desk person, back desk person, and phlebotomist.  We were sad we didn't get to see anyone, but it was also kind of comforting because it was like we were starting over.  No one knew us, so no one had that "pity" look in their eyes that we often get from people that know our whole story.  It was actually refreshing for people to think we were newbies coming in to complete our bloodwork for our very first IVF.  The phlebotomist literally took 12 viles of blood from me.  I kept looking at the tubes thinking 'surely some of those are for Will?!!!' No, they took about 3 viles from Will and 12 from me.  I was feeling pretty light headed leaving, to say the least!! Results should be back in a week. 

So, that is what is going on in our fertility world!! Now, on to Zoey and Piper..

We are quickly approaching the 1 year mark of losing our sweet baby girls.  It seems like a lifetime ago, but at the same time it feels like yesterday.  I am trying so hard to stay strong, but I can feel myself unraveling.  Our perinatal appointment was October 30th, which was the beginning of the end.  I was put on bedrest that day, and thus began the slow fall to November 9th, the loss of my whole world as I knew it.  These dates are coming towards me like a freight train I can not stop.  I am starting to cry at the drop of a hat.  For example, my first graders were crazy on the Friday before fall break, which is very normal (ask any teacher!!)  Normally, I would be like "gosh!! These kids are cray!!!!"  and move on.  But this time, I cried all through lunch and spent the next hour in my principals office crying.  I am having trouble coping with every day struggles because my mind is so preoccupied with coping with dealing with the milestone dates that I can not stop from approaching.  I am so thankful to have the support that I have, especially at work, to help me overcome the next few weeks.  I thought I would be strong enough to do a memorial party for the girls, but as the date approaches, I am realizing I am not strong enough to do that on the first anniversary.  Maybe on the second, or the third.. maybe not ever.  It hurts so deep, something I could never describe.  My mom and I have decided to do acts of kindness that day instead.  We will be visiting the hospital in which I delivered my girls and bring gifts to the amazing nursing staff who helped me through that horrific time in my life.  One nurse stayed an extra 4 hours past her shift because I begged her not to leave me.  One nurse cried with me and prayed with me on my bed and told me about how she herself lost a child at 26 weeks gestation.  They were so wonderful, and I want them to know how thankful I am.

Please pray for me as I face these milestone dates, and as I begin another round of IVF.  It will be hard because it is going to make me miss my girls every step of the way, but I also know I have 2 little cheerleaders in Heaven that are pushing mommy to do what she can to create a living, happy family.

Thanks for reading!