alone.

Meltdown day.  At work and everything.

** Disclaimer **  I am sorry if I "call anyone out" in this post or make you feel uncomfortable by posting it.. please know I am not trying to single you out.. just trying to explain how my circumstances have made me feel the way that I do.

Here's my thing.  People who do not have fertility issues think those of us that do- get mad at women for getting pregnant and/or get jealous because they can have kids and we can't.  I can totally understand this misconception, and can't say I wouldn't assume the same thing if the shoe wasn't on the other foot.  I am hoping this post can make these people see us in a different way.

"It will happen for you."  So my best friend at work told me she was pregnant in December.  So I did the whole "happy for you, sad for me" bit that all of us infertiles do.. and it was really true.  She deserves a child more than most people.  But it doesn't make it sting any less that we are together constantly and people are constantly coming up to her asking her about the baby and rubbing her belly and talking about how cute she is when I am standing right there.  Then another close friend of mine tells me she is pregnant.  Then my fertility friend gets pregnant after 3 months of accupuncture (I have been going for 7 months and she still says I am "not ready") and yet another fertility friend gets pregnant with her second child after her second treatment (I have had 9 unsuccessful treatments).  Am I mad at these people? No. They are all married, happy, and deserve children.  But don't I also deserve children?  "it will happen for you." Well, maybe it will.  But do you realize it takes me $3,000 (13 months to save up) for the least expensive treatment to even have a chance of it "happening" for me??? And what if it doesn't "happen" for me?  What then?  People just don't understand.  Although, the constant pregnancies in my face all day every day at work are painful and difficult and at times I am mad or jealous, this is SOO not the biggest issue (common misconception.)

"I can't imagine/I know its hard/I'm so sorry" etc. The most difficult thing for infertile people is the feeling that you are absolutely alone in this world.  There is no one in my circle with the extent of fertility problems that I have.  No one has been through 9 treatments, put themselves $36,000 in debt, and still not have a child.  No one understands how it feels to have to come to grips with the fact that I may never have people "oooh"-ing and "awwwww"-ing over my belly or asking me about genders or baby names.  Some days I just wish I had someone to talk to and have them say "yes, I know, I am in the same position, I know exactly how you feel" But I don't.  And that is SO hard.  Harder than looking at pregnant people or admirers of pregnant people all day.  I wish I had someone to understand my struggle.

"God has a plan/you could always adopt" Really people?  I know this is said with the best of intent at heart.  But please stop saying this to people who have fertility issues.  I understand that God has a plan for my life.. but do you think I want to hear that his plan is to watch me struggle and cry every single night and beg and plead with him while everyone else around me is blessed with what I want??? Not helpful.  and why don't you just adopt?! I would love to adopt a sweet baby.  But (1) We wouldn't even get past the home study with a paraplegic, 2 pitbulls, a house in the ghetto with not heat/air or fire alarms, and a couple who are living paycheck to paycheck because of fertility and (2) if we didn't want to have a biological child we wouldn't be $36,000 in debt right now--we would have gone through adoption in the first place.  It is SO easy for people with  biological children to say "just adopt".  But if they had to walk just one mile in our shoes they would understand what a difficult decision it is to give up the dream you had of having a child with your looks, your behaviors, your DNA and make the switch to adoption.

Obviously, I have had a bad day.  I feel like everywhere I turn, pregnancy is slapping me in the face.  And then I get upset and I turn around and people are saying painful things to me.  And it's not their fault--it is because I am completely and utterly alone in this cruel world of infertility.

Goodbye (and good riddance) 2013

Oh 2013.. you weren't much better than 2012.  Still more disappointments-more negatives-denied grants.. still searching for our miracle.  Just another year I won't be sad to see the end of.

The positive thing about 2013 was that  I took time to heal myself and grow as a person.  Though I still have the raw emotions and disappointments from our constant battle with infertility, this year I really focused on finding a way to deal with those emotions.  I have realized that I can no longer let infertility control my life.  I used to let it control how I felt about people with kids, who I could and could not handle hanging out with, who I got mad at because they unknowingly made a hurtful comment.  It literally controlled every emotion I had.  But in 2013 I decided to STOP doing treatment after treatment after treatment.. chasing something that came so easily for everyone else (which seriously ticked me off).  I gave my body time to heal.  Sometimes I would just stop everything and just sit, and let the emotions come.  Sometimes I would cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes I would scream or throw things against the wall.  Sometimes I would just sit still in a trance.  But whatever came out.. I just let it happen.  And after letting myself do this a few times.. I realized that each time.. I felt it a little less.  My breakdowns were getting shorter and shorter.. until finally I would sit down and realize I was no longer mad at someone for getting pregnant.  I was no longer angry about all of the unsuccessful treatments I went through.  I realized that all I had to do to make this horrible jealous, bitter, raging emotions go away... was to face them head on.  And that's what I did.  And now I am healed.

Will my husband and I become parents in 2014?  I don't know.  Will we try? sure. Will I have a complete mental breakdown and stop talking to everyone with kids and hate the entire world for being able to get pregnant if a treatment fails? No.  Because infertility will not define me.  It will not control my life.  So bring on 2014.  Baby or no baby!!

If infertility was a person

So, Will and I just got the results of our last attempt at getting a grant for IVF.. we were not chosen for any of the grants.  Lovely.  So, I guess we will be doing a fully medicated IUI after a few more months of accupuncture.  But today I am not really writing about procedures and logistics and medical jargon.  Today, I just want to talk about how I am feeling.
I read in one of my many infertility books that you should give your infertility battle a name.  Make it like an actual person.  That way, your spouse and you are not mad at each other or blaming each other, but are blaming the actual issue instead.  This was by far the best advice I have ever read.  Sometimes I have to stop and realize that it is not MY fault, WILLS fault, THE DOCTORS fault, or anyone's fault that this is happening to us. It is infertility's fault.  Since I have had this epiphany, I sometimes hear songs on the radio or that I used to listen to all the time and realize that this is exactly how I feel about infertility.  I have always felt that songs express feelings so much better than words do, so maybe writing this will help me explain my situation.
The newest one I have heard is Colbie Caillat's song "hold on"  some of the lyrics are so true of my struggles:
I'm feeling further, feeling further from you every day
You're in the stars, in the stars, yeah, you're worlds away
I'm moving on, moving on, then I hear you say
Hold on, hold on
This is so true of my journey.  Right now, Will and I are taking a break for the year.  Each day that passes, I feel like I am getting further away from my dream of being a parent with Will.  I find myself thinking less and less about which treatment we will do next, how much money we need to save, when I can go back.  Sometimes I will go days without thinking about it at all. And then BAM.. someone gets pregnant or has a baby.. and there is that pain and longing again, just as raw as if it had never left.  Like it is saying hold on, hold on...
I'm losing love, losing you, losing everything
Losing faith in the world where I wanna be
So I don't care if the one thing that's killing me
Is so wrong, so wrong

I should walk away...
Will and I went through so much, I lost friends and family, lost my battle with fertility, lost my hopes and dreams, lost a little bit of faith in God. I know it is wrong to keep trying and trying and trying these stupid treatments, I know I should just walk away from it all and save the money for a vacation to Hawaii or something.  But I just can't.  It's still there.. telling me not to give up.


The Colbie song is great and all.  But this song I have listened to a thousand times since I gave my infertility a name.  The song "Rest in Pieces" by Saliva.  An oldie but a goodie, and definitely explains my struggles perfectly.
Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
omg.. so true!! I tell myself, with each failed procedure.. it doesn't hurt as bad this time, I am used to the pain, it's ok.  But it's never true.  When I let myself feel it, the pain is just as raw and just as intense as ever before.  Taking a break from treatments does not help. Again, as soon as someone gets pregnant or has a baby or has a successful treatment, the pain shoots down my spine again.  It really does suck!!
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
OK, I know this is a stretch.  But really.. I remember being SO excited to go to appointments.  So ready for the next step and the next step.. so very hopeful and naive of all that was to come.  This was all before infertility destroyed my life.  Before all of the negatives.  Before we ran out of money.  Before I lost almost everyone in my life.  I wish I could be that happy and hopeful again.  And I often ask God that if I can't get pregnant, never will have kids, why can't he just make this go away?! Make the desire go away, make the jealousy and bitterness stop.. just let me rest in pieces.  If it is not his will for me to have kids.. just make the pain go away..

So that's it.  I love music, I feel like it can explain so much and make you feel things that words just can't.  Listening to these two songs makes me feel like I am not crazy for having all of these feelings.. and maybe this will help people who have never been in this situation understand it just a little bit better.  Thanks for reading :-) Love you all!

Rest in Pieces Video  Hold On video 

Update

Hey all-
I have not posted to this blog in almost 2 years!! Lately I have been asked a lot about Will and my fertility journey.  I have been keeping very quiet about everything since our failed IVF.  I went through a very trying, depressing time since that phone call.  Will and I struggled for many months with our marriage, and I had so many inner struggles within myself.  On top of that, I was embarrassed about putting my whole journey out there to the world, just to have it all come crashing down. 
A few weeks after our failure, we went back to our doctor.  He said the reason it didn't work was because the embryos stopped growing after day 3.  He said they looked great, then just stopped.  He went ahead with the transfer, but it was a bust way before he did that (of course, no one bothered to tell us that).  We then decided to try some IUI's to see if that would work.  We did 5 IUIs over a year and a half span with various doses/combinations of medications.  Negative after negative after negative.  One IUI was a positive.  We were ecstatic.  We finally thought this whole nightmare was over.  As luck would have it, though, I got a "not pregnant" result the day we were scheduled to get our bloodwork.  Our doctor said it was a chemical pregnancy, meaning it was a miscarraige before the pregnancy was confirmed with an ultrasound.  Our last negative IUI was in May.  Each negative result came with another round of anger, resentment, depression, and questioning God why all of this was happening to us.  Why is this so hard for us?! This is when I decided enough was enough.  We have now spent over $30,000.. my body was completed messed up from all of the medications, and my soul was broken.  I decided I just couldn't do it anymore, and we have not done another procedure since.
We applied for an IVF grant this summer and were not chosen.  We applied for another one and are still waiting for results.  We couldn't possibly apply for another loan, my credit is already ruined from the first fertility loan.  I don't have it in me to ask anyone for anymore money through fundraising.  It nearly killed me the first time, and I feel like everyone just wasted their money for us to fail. 
I also began accupuncture in October.  Accupuncture is supposed to greatly increase chances of success with IUI.  My accupuncturist said I ovulate way to late in my cycle, and the doctors were giving me the trigger shot (to trigger ovulation) and releasing my eggs before they were ready.  She also said my basal body temperature is too low, making it hard for my body to do what it is supposed to do.  Since I have been going, my BBT has increased and my ovulation has moved up from day 20 to day 17.. so it is looking good so far!  She assured me that if I listen to her and do an IUI when she says I am ready, then it will be a success.  So we shall see.  We are hoping to get the grant, but if not, we will try another IUI hopefully this summer.  I have also been reading a lot of fertility books and joined a support group to help me cope with the emotional side of infertility.
Socially, the fertility thing has really made a mess of my life.  People that I though would support me (including bridesmaids in my wedding) have completely turned against me.  Friends I thought I had are no longer there.  Family that I married into are now enemies.  I can't expect people to understand the bitter battle of infertility.  I think my problem was that I expected too much of people, because that is what I would do for them.  But, I have learned my lesson, and if nothing else, God used this as a weeding out process.. to show me who I should have in my life and who I should not.  And for that I am grateful.
This was probably way more than you wanted to know.  I wish I had better news that this.  But, I still wake up every morning next to my wonderful husband, get out of bed, look on facebook at the thousands of baby photos from basically all of my friends, go to a job that I love, and carry on with life.  I know something good will happen when the time is right.. and I will be so glad to share that news when it does.. but until then.. the sun will rise every morning and I will get up with it and live my life!!
Thank you all who are still supporting and praying for us.  We love all of you!

Negative

Well, what can I say?  I had a bad feeling when I woke up this morning.  I woke up at 3am with this dreadful feeling the nurse would say "negative".  The whole way there I felt sick to my stomach.  Will was very optimistic, which was scary for me.  We went in and got blood drawn, then had to wait for the voicemail.

The voicemail came at 1:30.  She said "I'm sorry, I don't have good news for you.  Your Beta came back at less than 2, which is a negative".  This is the point that I broke down.  All that money, all that time, all I put my body through.  It was devastating.  I dreaded having to tell Will.  We both wanted this so bad, and everything looked on track.  I called Will and he came home right away.

Will and I had our pity party.  He was so very loving and supportive, just the best.  If nothing else, this experience is making our marriage an extremely strong one.  I just love him so much.

We have an appointment with our doctor next week to try to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.  Will and I have discussed it a lot and we are probably going to try it again.  From everything I have read, the doctors were sort of going in blind with us, hoping the traditional protocol worked.  Now, they know exactly how my body reacts to everything, how the embryos act, and how to fix the things that went wrong.  Of course, that brings us back to the money situation. 

All I can say is, this is not the news we hoped and prayed for, and definitely not what we expected.  IVF is not for the faint of heart.  It can make or break your marriage.  It will drain you physically, emotionally, and financially.  It will test your faith, make you feel inadequate, and defeated.  But I consider myself to be a strong girl, and my marriage is very strong.  Will is amazing.  We just have to wait to hear from the doctor.  Hopefully, we can try this again, with success.

I know how many people are praying for Will and me during this time.  It is going to take some time to heal.  But we will.  Our journey to parenting may be longer than expected, but it is definitely not over.

Bloodwork and Bedrest

Finally, I am off bedrest!! I realized I am really bad at bedrest.  I tried really hard to stay laying down, but I was mostly sitting up working on school stuff, or pretending I had to go pee jut so I could get up and walk around a little. For the most part, I did ok.  But finally today I was able to get up and go to the doctor.  It was just for bloodwork, but it was nice to get out.  I can't believe the next time I go to the doctor will be to take a pregnancy test!!

Yesterday the embryologist called with some bad news.  Unfortunately, our little embryos did not grow enough to get a high enough grade to be frozen, so they did not freeze anything.  That kind of stresses me out, because now I KNOW this is our only shot.  We can't spend another 14,000 to try again.  It is this or nothing.  As if the 2 week wait for the pregnancy test wasn't long enough as it is...

As for how I am feeling, I am fine today.  Yesterday and the day before I was feeling really crampy.  Now I just feel a little more tired than usual. 

Well, I guess I am just going to try to keep myself busy over the next 9 days.  Luckily, I have a lot of stuff to get done for school, so that should make the time pass.  I really hope I can come back with some good news on the 27th. Prayers from everyone would be very appreciated!! I didn't take a picture from today because we just had bloodwork done, but for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of Will, because he is just too cool.

Transfer Day

We just got home from our embryo transfer!  It was a long, awkward, interesting experience..

We got there at 9:30, and the nurse told me to go ahead and get scrubbed up and take my valium (you don't hear that everyday!) and that Dr. Weitzman had a big surgery after me so he would probably be a little early.  So, I took my valium and waited about 30 minutes. 

Then the embryologist came in.  He said our embyos were growing great and then slowed down a little today, so they got a grade B and a grade C.  I told Will I haven't got a C since college anatomy.  He said he wasn't sure if we would have anything to freeze, he would just have to see how they grow today.  He gave us a picture of the embryos being transferred and said hopefully it would be our "first baby picture"

Then the nurse came in and wheeled me down to the OR.  Will got to come back too, which was a big relief.  I was so glad to have him by my side.  As for the transfer, it went a little something like this...
They took the bottom portion of the bed away and put me in stirrups, then leaned the table back so I was practically upside down.  The doctor had James Taylor playing in the background (?!) The embryologist came in with an incubator containing our embryos.  The nurse put the ultrasound thing on my belly, then we got started.  Ladies, all I can say is, it was like the pap smear that wouldn't end.  The valium didn't help AT ALL. Luckily, it was a 15 minute procedure, so just a few minutes of torture.  When the doctor was done, he showed me the ultrasound.  He pointed to 2 little white dots in my uterus that were the embryos.

I was then wheeled back into the regular room, where I had to lay flat for an hour.  Then the nurse wheeled me out, and I had to lay on Will's lap on the ride home.  Now I am laying in the bed, where I will be for the next 2 days. 

Overall, I think the embryo transfer was the craziest appointment thus far!  I just really hope our little embryos like their new home and cling on.... we will know on the 27th when we take the pregnancy test!  Here are some pictures of Will, me, and our embryos