Ultrasounds 2 and 3

So this week has been a crazy week filled with doctors, bloodwork, and ultrasounds!  I basically have to go in every other day so the doctor can monitor my estrogen level to make sure it isn't getting too high, as well as checking on how many eggs I am growing, how big they are, and to help them determine when I am ready to take the shots to trigger ovulation for the egg retrieval.  The doctor today said my uterine lining looks "great!!" and she said I am a rare case (in a good way) because all of my eggs are growing at the exact same rate, while my estrogen level is staying pretty low, which is the "ideal" scenario.  I told Will that I feel like I am the star student in class!  So, the nurse just called and said to take my stimulant meds one more time tonight, then trigger shot (for ovulation) Sunday night.  We go back Monday just for bloodwork and to talk to our nurse about egg retrieval stuff (we know the drill, lady) and then our egg retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 9am.  Of course, it would be on the one day I have a dentist appointment and was going with my mom to get her hair done, but since its for the egg retrieval, I am fine with it!  I am also very excited because the nurse said both my retrieval and my transfer will be with MY doctor.  I know he is seriously wanting me to be pregnant.. I have been a thorn in his side (so to speak) and a case he can't solve for a good 3 years, so I know he is going to do everything in his power to make sure this works.

Speaking of "making sure it works".. I have read so many sweet comments people have said to me!  I have so many people praying for us and wishing us the best.  But lets talk, friends.  I know you all are thinking exactly what we are thinking.  "Oh! I am so happy for them!!... I really hope this works... what if it doesn't work..."  We are so very excited about doing all of this again, but to say we were not terrified would be a lie.  Though there are so many positives, medically, to doing IVF a second time, the negative side of it is having flashbacks of being here 2 years ago and being so excited and calculating my due date and picking baby names and nursery colors.. only to have my world come crashing down 3 weeks later and spend the next 2 long years crawling back up from the pits of Hell.  Believe me, I haven't forgotten!  BUT I also can not let fear hold me down.  I have learned to live by one motto since we began this journey again: "Stop worrying about what could go wrong and start thinking about what could go right."  If I let my mind wander, my fear sometimes takes over and I begin to panic.  I start re-preparing myself for impact and getting my designated corner of my room ready with my shot glass and pillow that I have been to so many times for negative pregnancy tests after IVF and IUIs and pregnancy announcements and baby showers.... But then I think about what could go right.  This is IVF here.. 90ish% success for someone like me, with perfect ultrasounds and flawless bloodwork.  Yes, it could go wrong, but it could also go so, so right.  So, we are choosing to think about all of the things that could go right!! Another motto I am living by is to "give it to God and go to sleep".  There is only so much worrying and scenario playing a person can do.  And what good is it?  Does it change anything?  Does it help the outcome?  No.  The only one who can change anything or predict the outcome of something is God.  So give it to him, and go to sleep!!

So friends, do not worry about me!! I know it is scary to see me so happy and excited and know that in 3 weeks my world can collapse again, but let's as a group agree that we will not think of it again until we need to (hopefully never)  Let's all be positive, let's all pray for success, give it to God, and go to sleep!

I have a few pictures for you today.  I have the medical picture of a normal ovary (top picture 1-2 small eggs) and a stimulated ovary (bottom picture..mine have about 17.. ouch!)  and my favorite life mottos right now.  Pray for my little eggies, and send me positive thoughts on Tuesday at 9:00!

Ultrasound 1

Hey guys! Today was our first ultrasound to check on our little eggies.  I was excited to see how everything was progressing because I am on new medications with different doses than last time.  The good thing about doing this whole IVF thing for a second time is that I am not getting the "basic workup".. meaning I am not getting a standard IVF plan and hoping it works.  Instead, my doctors and nurses have experience with how my body reacts to the medications, what went right, what went wrong, what could be better, etc. etc.  So I have a much more personalized plan for my body this time, which is hopefully going to make a huge difference!
My nurse called with the results about an hour ago.  She said my estradiol (estrogen) level was 376, which is lower than last time.  My doctor said last time I was on stimulant meds my eggs came out "guns blazing" (?!?!?!) and I had way too many, so they couldn't grow big enough or as good of a quality as they could have been.  So this time he is going for a more "quality over quantity" approach, which means less eggs, better quality.  My nurse said everything looked perfect today, so keep taking my meds as I am and go back in again on Thursday.
Since this blog has turned into more of a rant educational thing, I figured I would take a picture of the medicine I take every day.  Here we have a terrible painful nasty nauseating crazy pills lovely cocktail of coq10, prenatals, vitamin D, folic acid, dexamethesone, gonal F, lupron, and menopur.  Say that 5 times fast!!

Suppression Check

Hey everyone!  Today was our suppression check.  I have been on birth control and Lupron for about a month, and the doctor has to check and make sure all of my eggs and hormones are nice and rested so they can get crazy overstimulated over the next 2 weeks!! I did a lot better with side effects this time.  I really didn't have any mood swings or crying fits!  Mostly I have just been super nauseous every day and had a few hot flashes here and there.  But I will take that over mood swings any day! 
First, the phlebotomist did my bloodwork, then we did the ultrasound to check my follicles.  It is so funny (sad!!) that Will and I know everyone who works at the fertility center.  When we went in today, everyone we saw was like "hey guys!!" "How have you been?" "Good to see you!" "long time no see!" as they carry around our HUGE file, which I am sure weighs a good 5 pounds!!  A fertility center is not exactly a place you want to become popular in because you have been a loyal patient for 3 years.. BUT it is definitely reassuring to see friendly, familiar faces during such an anxious time.  Anyway, after our ultrasound our nurse talked to us about my medications and said we did not need to do a trial embryo transfer, basically because I have had enough catheters shoved in me between IVFs and IUIs over the past 2 years that they are pretty confident they can easily do it again during the transfer.. so that was good!  The nurse called a few minutes ago to tell me my e2 level was 36 which means I am suppressed.  So, I will start my stimulation drugs on Saturday, and begin my lovely rounds of bloodwork and ultrasounds on Tuesday the 24th.  Hopefully our egg retrieval will be the first week of July.  Here is a picture of my stimulant injectable meds.  Gonal-F.. it's what's for dinner!

Meds!

Hi everyone!  Will and I have been in full swing IVF mode as of May 23rd.  Right now I am in the suppression stage, so I am taking birth control and will start lupron Thursday.  My suppression check is scheduled for June 17th, and then a whole bunch of lovely ultrasounds, then egg retrieval the week of June 30th.  I am SO not excited about taking lupron again.. last time I am pretty sure Will almost had me admitted to the looney bin!! I also have to take a bunch of new meds, including menopur, Gonal F, and bravelle patches.  Will and I decided to skip the IVF class this time because we thought we were pros.. until I opened my box of meds!! No idea what I am doing!! Sooo I will have to call my nurse and basically tell her I am not smarter than a fifth grader (or in this case, smarter than IVF class participants) and have her explain what each med is for and how/when to take it.  I am not nearly as stressed and frantic as I was at this point last time.  I went back and read my blog from the first IVF.. and I read the post about the meds, thinking to myself "calm down chick!!"  But then I remembered how physically and emotionally exhausted I was from being so naive and not knowing what to expect, what to do, who to ask...... I think this time is less stressful mostly because I know what lies ahead.  I know what will happen next, what the bloodwork and ultrasound results mean, what I should or shouldn't be worried about.  So for now, I am not stressing about anything.  I am just taking the meds and waiting patiently for the next step.  I will post again after my suppression check.

Here is a picture of my meds.  Should have taken the class, huh?!

Would you like check or cash?

Wow!  It has been a crazy few weeks.  A lot has been going on in my life, both fertility wise and other.  Our dog of 11 years had a stroke and was diagnosed with blindness, so I have spend the majority of this month researching her condition and helping her adjust as best I can.  Hubby was hospitalized with Pylonephritis for 4 days, so I spent last week in and out of the hospital with him.  It is the last few weeks of school, so I am trying to get all testing, paperwork, and cleaning done before the last day, on top of making sure all of our prerequisites are met for IVF.  BUSY is an understatement!!
We hit a huge milestone for us in IVF world last week. I have already written about this, but I remember the first time we did IVF, the money situation hit us like a ton of bricks.  $14,000?!! We fund raised for a year and STILL had to take out a $6,000 loan (which we are still paying on).  This time, though, it seems like everything just fell into place perfectly within a few months time.  The people who love me the most really came together and donated so much money to Will and myself.  I raised money and had a few thousand in savings.  I knew we had the money, but it was in so many different places, and it was making me anxious because I didn't know how much we had exactly, and nothing was set in stone.  I still felt like the rug would be pulled out from under me any second.  I think this whole "This is great, but what is going to go wrong to mess it all up" attitude is going to take a long time to get rid of.  Well, last week my mom and I decided to gather all of the money, put it all in the bank, and figure out how much we had/need.
So, I went to her house with my big old envelope of cash and my big bucket of change, a few checks, and a pen and paper.  We had, in all, $11,500!!!! We needed $10,500 for IVF, and with my discounted meds we need about $700.  That means we had enough money for everything with no loans or credit cards.  In 3 months time!!! WHAT?!! How did that even happen!!??? So I took my happy little self to the bank, got my cashiers checks, and sent them off to the fertility center.  IVF is paid. in. full.
I am cycle day 29 today, so I should be starting my period within the next few days, and we will start our exciting new journey!! We are nervous, excited, scared, happy, and ready. Most of all though, we are in disbelief of how easily this journey is starting out.  Bring it on, IVF #2!!

Here is a picture of our money before we took it to the bank!!

 

How to tell an infertile you're pregnant

I felt the need to write this post as an afterthought of my post titled "alone".  Afterwards, SO many people came up to me and said "I'm sorry.." "I know I have probably said hurtful things to you" or I can just tell in their heads they are thinking about every word before they say it.. praying whatever comes out doesn't throw me into hysterics.  This was NOT my intention when I wrote that post.  But that got me thinking.. people genuinely don't KNOW how to deal with someone with infertility.  They don't know what to say and not say.. do and not do.  So, I feel the need to elaborate more on my "alone" post and hopefully leave you feeling more educated and able to deal with people in my condition, rather than scared to death to talk to me.
Can we all just talk about the elephant in the room here?  The fact that I work with ALL women, and they are all getting pregnant right now. Of course everyone is SO excited to tell everyone their huge news!! Hell, when it's my turn.. I'm pretty sure I will be screaming it from the roof and hanging a banner in my front lawn.  But let me educate you on what happens when an infertile hears about someone close to them getting pregnant.
> We get instant tunnel vision
> Our palms start to sweat
> Our hearts start hammering in our chest, 100 miles an hour
> A huge lump forms in our throat
> We instantly obsess about how often we will be dragged into a conversation about pregnancy
> We can't stop thinking about how much it will hurt to see your belly growing
> We automatically start calling out to God for help as we feel a meltdown approaching

Now, do you THINK we want this to happen in front of you?  Or worse, in front of a group of people?  It is probably the most embarrassing thing ever.  People look at you like you are being rude or "selfish" for not being happy or excited, the pregnant person thinks you're mad at them, then everyone pities you, then they talk about how bad it must suck to be Tifani Powell.  People like me can't just hear about a friend being pregnant and instantly go out and ask you when you're due and how you're feeling.  We need time.  Time to grasp the concept of yet another person in my inner circle being pregnant.  Time to talk with God and have him give me even MORE strength and comfort to accept this new curveball.  Time to prepare myself for the pregnancy/baby conversations that are to come for the next 9 months or longer and for watching your body grow and change as mine still sits here empty. 

When telling an infertile you're pregnant, don't catch us off guard.  It is so embarrassing for us to have one or more people watch us crumble and hurt, and it makes us feel even worse that if makes the pregnant person feel as if she did something wrong or that we are upset at them for something.  Do shoot us a text a week or so before you tell everyone else.  Give me time to absorb this information by myself with no one watching so I can scream, cry, and drop to my knees in prayer without making anyone else upset.

Rant over!! I hope this is more of an educational post than an "I can't believe she wrote that, who is that about? Did I do something? Is she mad at me?" post.  I am trying to help people understand my situation and be more sensitive to me and others like me.

Doctor-wise.. Will and I have completed all pre-requisites (again) for IVF, and have saved all but $500 to pay for it!  We also were accepted into a program to receive 50% off all fertility meds.. which will end up being about $700 which is great!  So now I am just waiting to start my period and begin our cycle!  Thanks for reading!! :-)

And to lighten the mood.. (but seriously though!!)

IVF #2

So I realized why I have been having so many meltdowns.  It was because I knew in my heart an IUI would not work.  Let me explain what an IUI is.. **disclaimer, may be TMI for some readers.. welcome to infertility!!** An iui is when the doctor puts sperm into a syringe and attaches it to a catheter.  They insert the catheter into my uterus, dispense the sperm, and then I have to wait 2 weeks to see if it worked.  Now here is the trick,  we are using frozen sperm, which only stays alive inside the body for 12 hours, and during those 12 hours it is slow and sluggish due to being frozen and dethawed.  There are various ways to increase the VERY low chances of the sperm and egg meeting on time, such as medicine to produce more eggs to increase the sperms chances of finding one, a trigger shot to make me ovulate 24-48 hours after injecting it, etc.  But the chances of that sperm meeting that egg within the 12 hour time crunch is damn near impossible, no matter how many chinese herbs I shove down my throat or how many needles I get put in me for accupuncture.  The chances are just very slim of it working.. like winning the lottery.  So as the time was quickly approaching to me doing this IUI.. I was becoming extremely nervous.  I was already preparing myself for my world to come crashing down again with another negative and figuring out how I would pick up the pieces and go yet another year being sad and jealous and bitter and trying to work through all of those feelings yet again.. while being another $3000 in debt.  It was terrifying and I was losing my mind (as many of you saw from my last blog post....)

So my mom calls me one day while in the middle of one of my meltdowns and can not figure out why I am so sure this procedure will not work.  When I explained my reasons.. she said.. "You know what?? I am done with these IUI's.. we are doing IVF this summer."  .?!!? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I have wanted to do IVF again since the last one failed.  Let me explain the difference between IVF and IUI.  During IVF.. they literally get you pregnant outside of your body.  They put you on meds to make you produce tons of eggs.  Then when the eggs are mature they harvest the eggs and put them in a little petri dish.  They then take the frozen sperm, dethaw, and inject the sperm into the best eggs so they fertilize and become embryos.  Then they take the best embryos and insert them into your uterus to implant and become little babies and freeze the rest of the embryos for later use.  There is literally NOTHING left to chance with IVF.  It is all totally controlled.  SO of course I would rather do this (not to mention the 75% success rate.. which is even higher for me because of my age and the fact that I have been doing accupuncture AND all of my tests are great). But it is sooo expensive.  My mom said we will figure it out.  We have a lot of money saved already that we were planning to use for IUI and/or other things.. that will now be used for IVF.  I have a gofundme.com page up and running, my sister in law is donating a good chunk of money, and we may have to take out a $4500 loan.  But we WILL have the money by June (!!!!!!!!) and are looking to start a cycle in May (!!!!!!!!!!)

Infertility is so scary.  We have to pay a lot of money up front to even try to get pregnant, then have a bunch of doctors and nurses poke and prod and prescribe meds .. we can't just lock the bedroom door and light some candles (wouldn't that be nice).  Then if it doesn't work, we can't just "try next month".. we have to go back to saving and go through the grieving process once again.  I can't even explain the headache trying to have a baby is to someone who doesn't have fertility issues.. though I try through this blog.  So yes, we are scared.  Yes, it is a HUGE risk.  But, with big risk comes big reward.  For the first time, I feel this coming together.  We are not freaking out for money and wondering what will happen.  Everything seems to just be falling into place.. so I pray this is a sign of good things to come.  We shall see.  I will try my best to keep everyone updated as we go through this exhausting journey with IVF once again.  Please pray for us and wish us luck!! Here we go!!

Gofundme link