"Memory" Christmas

Hi friends! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  For my family, it was so very difficult.  If you asked me 2 months ago what my plans were for Christmas, I would have told you we were buying our first family ornament for our tree, we were getting the cribs for the girls, and painting the nursery during break.  Instead, our world was rocked 6 weeks before the holiday and we have spent every day since then trying to climb out of the rubble and learn to live again. 

We did not decorate at all this year.  We didn't buy gifts for everyone or go to Christmas parties or watch Christmas movies.  If it weren't for social media, I probably wouldn't have even known when Christmas was here.  Instead of preparing for Zoey and Piper's arrival, I spent the last month trying to find ways to keep their memory alive, to find ways to always remember them and bring value and worth to their short lives.  These are ways people have helped us treasure the sweet existence of our precious baby girls.

Cards For the first 2 weeks after the girls were born, we recieved at least 6 cards in the mail every day!  Mostly people from my work, but also from complete strangers!  I also joined 2 support groups online and received books, letters of encouragement, and articles from women who have been through this.  I also got some sweet home made cards from my little first graders!  This small gesture meant so much to me.  Just knowing so many people were hurting with me, praying for me, and thinking of me enough to reach out.  Thank you everyone who made this effort!

Memory Trees These came from Will's friends at work.  They sent 2 beautiful Japanese Maple trees.  We are keeping them in storage for now, and will plant them in the spring.  Maybe in March, since that is when they should have been here.  We didn't have a funeral service for the girls because we had them cremated, so maybe we will have a memorial service when we plant the trees.  

Tattoo Pretty much the day after everything happened I decided I wanted to get a tattoo to remember my girls.  This was so meaningful to me.  I wanted something that would be with me forever, so they would be with me no matter how much time passed or how many events happened after this.  I wanted to look in the mirror and see their names and footprints and think of them 20 years from now.  Jewelry gets lost, pictures get tucked away, but this tattoo would never leave my side.  I craved it.  I needed that constant reminder in my life.

Necklace I started reaching for anything to validate my feelings after the loss of my babies.  I researched infant loss, I read articles and books, I participated in my support groups.  One thing that helped me a lot was going on pinterest and searching "infant loss" and reading all the quotes and pins.  One thing I particularly loved was a necklace that said "too beautiful for earth".  I loved this because I remember saying this to Zoey and Piper right before and right after they were born.  I remember looking at Zoey and whispering in her ear "you are too good for this world" and telling Piper "you are so beautiful, you belong in heaven amongst the angels".  This necklace spoke to me because it is what I told my girls, and how I felt with all of my heart.  So I pinned it and moved on.  Well, my wonderful first grade team found that I pinned this necklace, came together and bought it for me.  They even had the girls names engraved on the back :-)

Ring This one came as a total surprise to me!  Will bought this for me as a Christmas present.  The ring has a topaz in the center (the girls' birthstone) with 3 diamonds on each side (one side for Zoey, one side for Piper).  How thoughtful and sweet!

Keychain These were a present from me.  I have so many different things to help me remember the girls, but I wanted other people to have something to remember them by too.  I thought of everyone who was with me in the hospital and experienced first hand the birth and death of Zoey and Piper.  I custom ordered keychains for each of these people, including Will and myself, to keep with them as a constant reminder of these precious angels.  Forever in our hearts!

I hate that I had to spend Christmas trying to find ways to remember my girls instead of preparing for their March arrival.  It's hard, it's sad, it's not fair.  But I feel God working in my life.  I have to remind myself everyday that God is not punishing me, that is not his way.  He is strengthening my soul.  He is giving me scars to bear to build my character.  His plans for me are so much bigger than what I can see or imagine.  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. I hate this valley, I hate it.  But for now I will spend my days remembering my girls and using this pain to strengthen my faith, to help others, and to show people just how strong I am. 

Thank you to everyone who has made an effort to help the world remember my babies!

God, is that you?

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me during the past 3 weeks.  I have had strangers or people who I haven't spoken to in years message me or send me cards and books, letting me know they are thinking of me.  People who have always been there for me have cried real, genuine tears for me and I know their hearts honestly broke for me as this tragedy struck my family.  I am so moved by the amount of people who love me and want to help me through this.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have done nothing but try to make sense of this situation.  After all the reading, posting, talking, and thinking, I have come to this conclusion: it makes no. damn. sense.  It makes no sense why this would happen to me.. or anyone.  But I have found that while some people run away or question God's existence, I am finding myself drawing closer to God and trying to really hear him and listen to what he is trying to say to me.

God is not doing this to punish me.  That is not God's way.  So what is he trying to do?  I think God is trying to teach me to STOP trying to control my life and give it to Him.  I remember every treatment we did, my prayer was "please God, let this work." "Please God, let me get pregnant this time" "Please God, make me pregnant" and the answer each time? No. Then I became more aggressive and did IVF again and made SURE it worked.  My prayer after I got pregnant was "Please God, let them both stick" "Please God, let it be twins" and then it was.  And then my prayer was "Please God, let them both continue growing." "Please let them both be healthy" "Please let them both be ok" Well, they were ok.  They were healthy.  But then my body couldn't carry them and they both died.  God, is that you?  Is that you telling me if I would have prayed for your will instead of mine, maybe only one embryo would have developed and I would still be carrying a healthy baby?  Or is it you telling me a biological baby isn't your plan for my life?  Did you choose me to adopt, Lord, and I am not listening to you?  God, what do you want from me?

I used to hate when people said "God's plan will prevail." Oh, so it was God's plan for me to spend 40,000 and have only 2 dead babies to show for it?  But now, after many weeks of thinking, I am realizing that was not God's plan.. that was my plan.  I know God is not punishing me, but I feel like this is happening to me because I am not listening to him or letting him be the leader in my life.  I wanted to be the leader in my life.  And He is showing me that does not work.

So now here I sit, with one little frozen embryo left in storage, ready for transfer whenever I am.  I am terrified to do anything.  Every part of bringing a baby into the world for me will be absolute torture.  Not only do I have to fear whether or not I will even GET pregnant with our last little embryo, which will be our only shot at pregnancy for years (or ever), but if I do get pregnant, now I have to fear staying pregnant and carrying the baby to term.  No gender reveal, no baby shower, no setting up a nursery.  Now I won't even enjoy seeing my baby on the ultrasound, I will just be like "cute, now what is my cervical length?  Does everything look ok?" So I'm not sure when I will ever be ready for that.

Right now I am really trying to open my heart to what God is trying to teach me from all of this.  I really hope I can find some peace and understanding from this tragedy.

 

Fly high, sweet girls

Thank you everyone who has reached out to me, prayed for me, and grieved with me during this terrible tragedy we are now facing.  I feel I owe it to everyone to explain what happened since you all have been a part of this journey for many years.

Last time I updated, Will and I had gone to our anatomy scan and learned my cervix had shortened to 1.6 with funneling.  We were sent to labor and delivery and put on bed rest.  I stayed on bed rest for a week and went back on 11/4 to see if the condition improved.  The doctor told us my cervix had shortened even more to a 0.8 with severe funneling, meaning my body was trying to go into labor.  I was not a candidate for a cerclage (where they stitch the cervix closed to keep babies in) because studies showed it does not work in twin pregnancies.  I was then sent by ambulance to Vanderbilt.  My mind could not grasp  the seriousness of the situation.. I thought I would go to Vandy and they would be able to do some high tech magic to fix me and my girls would be fine. 

We get to Vandy and my cervix is remeasured.  She then tells me I now have "no measurable cervix" and I am 100% effaced.  These babies were coming soon.  She told me there is nothing they can do for me until I am 23 weeks.  I was only 20 weeks.  I was put in the hospital to measure contractions, which luckily I was not having any.  We checked babies heartbeats every night and they were always perfectly healthy.  After 2 days she sent me home.. saying that because I was not having contractions she was "optimistic" I would see her back at 23 weeks, when she could give me steroids to help the babies lungs develop and give me meds to stop labor if needed.  So I went home to begin my 19 day wait for the blessed 23 week mark!

I lasted 5 days.  On 11/9, I began having some serious menstrual cramps.  When I went to pee,  I noticed the tiniest bit of blood when I wiped.  I ignored it.  My brain completely shut down as I thought surely not. No. This isn't happening.  But as the day progressed the cramps got worse and I still was bleeding.  "Will, I think we are in trouble" I said.  He called my parents and my aunt, who all reassured me that everything was probably fine and not to worry too much and stress the babies.  But in my heart I know this was coming to an end.  We called my doctor and he said to go to Labor and Delivery to get checked out.  The nurse gives me a pelvic exam and immediately tears up.  "Not good, huh" I said.  She told me she could feel my baby's water sac.  The doctor said Zoey's water sac was protruding and they were worried about infection.  He said the situation was "dire", we are "up against the wall" and "if infection had set in I would deliver within 24 hours".  I am numb.  I literally can't feel anything.  I just kept saying thing like "okay" and "yes, I understand".  Then he said I did not have any infections, but I was starting to have very painful contractions.  After about 40 minutes of the worst pain of my life (so far) the nurse checked me and said I was fully dilated.. and there was blood everywhere.  The doctor said we were "at the point of no return".  Still numb.  I just said "so we are ready to deliver then" He said the first one was ready to come, and the second could come immediately, or it could take days.  He said there was no time for an epidural or anything.  Then the worst thing ever happened.  He broke Zoey's water sac.  This snapped me into reality and I screamed and wailed.  I just remember screaming her name and telling her how sorry I was.. and before I knew it I was pushing out my beautiful Zoey.  She was alive.  The nurse wrapped her up in a blanket and hat and handed her to me.  I told her she was so beautiful, she was a good girl, mommy and daddy love her so much, and she gets to go straight to heaven.  I guess Piper know mommy couldn't handle much more, because then the doctor said "the second one is ready" and 8 minutes after Zoey, precious Piper was born, alive.  I handed Zo to her daddy and told Piper the same things I told her sister.  They looked so different.  Zoey had a round face with a cute little button nose, while Piper had a skinny face with a pointier nose.  It would have been so easy to tell them apart.  The doctor and nurses gave us about an hour to be with our sweet girls.  They got to meet their mommy and daddy, mimi and papa (my parents), Tia (my aunt), and grandma (Will's mom)  Their short lives were filled with so much love.  The nurse then weighed them and got their foot and handprints.  Of course, Zoey was being stubborn (as usual) and wouldn't give her handprints.  The hospital gave us the most beautiful memory boxes with blankets, hospital bracelets, papers with their names, birth weight/length, and time of birth, and their feet and handprints.  They also gave us funeral home phone numbers.  We told them we wanted them to be cremated so they could be with us always.  They asked us if we wanted them to be together or seperate.  We chose separate. They were so different, and we always believed in giving them their individuality, so it was an easy decision for us.

The next day was the hardest.  The numbness had worn off, and I woke up at 3am and forgot.  I forgot they were gone.  I was waiting for them to kick me.  I thought maybe it was a really bad dream. It wasn't.  So I had a huge meltdown/panic attack and the nurse had to run in and give me xanex.  The following day I had to fill out and sign birth certificates for my girls.  Turns out, if they weigh enough, they are considered "people" (really?!) and are given birth/death certificates and social security numbers.  This was the most absolutely awful.  Then came the flood of nurses and social workers and volunteers and everyone else under the sun trying to give me resources and helpful words and prayers.  I could not stop crying.

My doctor has diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix.  This is when your cervix is weak and shortens/dilates way before it is time to deliver.  This is especially common in twin pregnancies, but still only happens to about 1-2% of all pregnant women.  Figures it would be me, why wouldn't it be?  There are measures to be taken if we wanted to try again (cerclage, progesterone shots, weekly checks) but of course none of these work in twin pregnancies.  My girls were healthy and perfect.  My body failed them.  And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Needless to say, Will and I are completely devastated, drained, traumatized.. I really don't think there have been words invented yet that describe how you feel when you lose a child, especially one you have worked for for over 3 years.  I just don't understand God's logic and why he chooses to constantly test me. 

I appreciate everyone's support and prayers during this dark time in my life.  Once again, the sun will come up each day.. the world will continue to turn even though I feel like I am dying inside.  I will never forget my sweet Zoey Jane and Piper Ivy, I just pray each morning I wake up the day is a little easier, so that I may soon see the sunshine again and go on living a normal life again.

Mommy and Daddy will love you forever, sweet tiny angels.

Anatomy Scan and Bedrest!!

Well, today has been a very crazy day.  What we thought would be a fun anatomy scan to see our girls' organs and get to watch them for an hour turned into a trip to labor and delivery to monitor contractions, new meds, and strict bedrest.  Here's how it all happened..

We got to the perinatal appointment and I was already annoyed because the nurse got ready to start the scan and had recorded that it was 1 fetus, so I told her it was 2 and she said (rudely) "oh.. no one told us that.. ::ugh:: .. hold on.." and walked out of the room.  We started the scan and found that they were definitely both girls!  No question about it.  Then she says "have you been feeling any pressure?" So I say yes, when I stand up, but it just feels like I have to pee?  Then I pee and it's fine.  I figured that was normal for the second trimester with twins.. apparently not.  So then she did a transvag ultrasound and found that my cervix was thinning and it was shorter than they like to see.  She said she was concerned about preterm labor and would send me to my doctor after she finished the anatomy scan.  The rest of the scan was pretty much a blur because of what she said.. but the girls are doing great.. both have 4 chamber hearts, perfect kidneys, brains look great.. they are perfect!  So I am still freaking out at this point, and then she says "Dr. Montgomery isn't here right now but he said to go on to labor and delivery (?!?!!?!!!???!?!?!) for monitoring to see if you are having contractions and are in preterm labor.  Then she has the nerve to say "but don't freak out!" 

Then, Will and I go through patient registration and get admitted into labor and delivery.. while my heart is beating out of my chest and I can't stop crying and I am scared to death something is going to go wrong with my babies.  We get into a room and she puts the monitor on me to monitor contractions.  I told Will I did not expect to see this room for another 5 months.  Dr. Montgomery came in and said this is relatively normal for twin pregnancies, especially with me being so little.  He said they would like my cervix to be a 2-3 and mine was a 1.6, so it's not terribly short, but the constant moving around and being on my feet every day is causing gravity to make my cervix thin out.  The good news is I was not having contractions and my cervix was still closed and firm, so they felt comfortable sending me home, but they gave me progesterone and imodicon to help with the thinning and put me on strict bedrest until further notice.  The nurse said I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom.  Dr. Montgomery is going to call with another appointment time in about a week or so to see if the situation has improved and I can be taken off bedrest or if I have to stay put.  I am hoping to be taken off soon, but from everything I have heard and researched, that doesn't look promising. 

When I got home, I researched short/thinning cervix in twins and learned that it is very normal.  I was expecting horror stories about miscarriages or still births, but the common consensus was that they were put on bed rest and closely monitored until they made it to at least 29 weeks, then they delivered their healthy babies.  So I am not as scared anymore.. I just have to make sure I follow doctor's orders and stay in bed and stop letting gravity work against me. 

I'm sure the girls will be perfectly fine, but it won't hurt to pray my cervix lengthens/thickens and gives them a nice, long time to cook in there!   

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice!

Wow! What an eventful 3 days Will and I have had!

On Thursday, we went to Nashville 4d baby to get the genders of our babies.  I honestly could not even begin to guess what we were having.  I haven't really had a whole lot of symptoms.. no morning sickness, no major cravings or mood swings, nothing totally out of the ordinary that would make me think one way or the other.  Of course, Will has been saying 2 boys from the very beginning!  I was thinking either 2 boys or one of each, because I heard girls make you very sick and have crazy symptoms, which I didn't have.  So, the 4d ultrasound place was amazing!! They had a huge projector screen, couches, music.. the tech told us to close our eyes when she found the genders.  Our 15 minute ultrasound ended up being an hour because the tech was having so much fun watching the babies!! Baby A (just like at our 14 week) was super active the whole time.  She was stretching all the way out, flipping, kicking, smiling and waving!  She was kicking baby B the whole time!  Baby B was asleep at first, but after being kicked in the head a few times she finally woke up too.  Once again, she had her arms behind her head and her legs crossed, just like at our 14 week ultrasound.  It took forever to find the gender of baby B because she was crossing her legs, the cord was between them, and then she put her hand down there so the tech couldn't see!!  When she finally figured out the gender, she was cracking up because baby A was kicking B in the butt while she was trying to get a picture.  It was so much fun.. we will definitely go back when they are older and look more like little babies.. but it seems like we DEFINITELY have our hands full!!  When we were finished, the tech gave us all of the pictures except the gender ones, and the front desk lady wrote the genders on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope.  Now the wait was on for Saturday!!

Saturday was our gender reveal.  Pretty much everyone picked "boys" or "one of each".  We were trying to eat and wait for everyone while we were all staring at the gender boxes!! Everyone was SO excited to find out what was inside!! SO finally Will and I take the boxes outside.  We literally could not be more shocked to see nothing but pink balloons!! NOBODY thought we were having 2 girls.. especially not us!! I'm pretty sure Will almost passed out for a minute.  It looks like we will be having 2 little princesses (and daddy has to shine up his guns)

Little Zoey Jane and Piper Lin will be here before we know it!!  They are going to be beautiful, smart, sweet, and SPOILED ROTTEN!!

  Gender Reveal Video

Hello Second Trimester!

Hi everyone!  It feels like it has been forever since I have posted on here.  It feels so weird to go from checking in on me and having appointments pretty much every other day to not hearing anything for 3 weeks at a time.  I must say I am not a fan.  The last time I had an ultrasound at 11 weeks the doctor said we would not need another one until our 18 week anatomy scan!!  I have spent the last 2 weeks wondering if everything is going okay.. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping or anything, but since it was twins I was nervous that I would only get symptoms from one and not know if both were doing okay.  I think I am just so used to being babied at NFC, plus I am used to things going wrong (thanks 3 unsuccessful years of fertility treatments..), plus after so many years it is hard to convince yourself you are actually pregnant without hard evidence for reassurance!! So all of these things led to a frantic call to my doctor begging him to do another ultrasound to make sure everything is progressing appropriately.  He said that was fine, but he wasn't sure insurance would cover it.  What's $225 for my sanity?! Just add it to the $40,000 these babies have already racked up. 
So today we went for the ultrasound!  We found out that they are opposites already.  One baby is super chill.. he was kicked back, stretched all the way out, with his legs crossed and arms over his chest.  Just stick a tv in there and he would be good to go.  The other baby was literally turning flips so much that the doctor could not even keep the heart monitor on her!! He said she was quite the gymnast.  That is probably the little stinker that makes me so nauseous!  It was so cool to see the heads, bodies, arms, legs, even little fingers and toes.  The doctor said they seem to like laying butt-to-butt.  I wonder if they will do that after they are born.. Heartbeats today were 158 and 155, so a lot slower than last time!  Probably because I have cut back so much on caffeine.  Anyway, everything is fine (praise God) with both of them, despite my crazy paranoia!  Our next ultrasound will be our 4d to find out the genders.  We go on October 16th, then will have our big gender reveal party on the 18th. 
Here is a picture of our babies!! The one on the top right is the lazy, low key one, while the one on the bottom left is the wild child!! We could only catch the top of her head mid-flip!! Then there is another one of the relaxed child, where you can see little arms and legs :-)

11 Week Ultrasound

Hey Everyone!! Sorry for the late post (again) but in addition to being newly pregnant, we are also moving houses! So today was our first appointment with our regular OB and it was quite the roller coaster..
I left work early to drive all the way to Gallatin for our appointment.. we basically toured the entire hospital before we finally found the women's center.  A nurse helped us find it, but on the way she said "You said Dr. Holt is your doctor?  She isn't here today...." So of course I get all stressed out and plan to cuss out the poor woman at the front desk for messing up my appointment.  Come to find out, my doctor apparently didn't come today and they tried to call me but had my phone number wrong!! They said they could "work me in" with a doctor who was about to do a c-section in the next 20 minutes.  So at this point I am happy to be seen but aggravated at the situation and really wishing I could be back with my people at NFC!!
Finally we get to go back! The nurse weighs me and writes down 153 instead of 135 which I QUICKLY corrected.. then she starts going on and on about all of these tests we are doing today and asking me a million questions.  She obviously did not read my chart, which clearly stated I have already completed ALL of these tests.  Then she tells me we are just going to do a pap smear and bloodwork and be done. No ultrasound... which I have waited and agonized about for 3 weeks.  At this point I am trying really hard not to cry and Will is looking like he is about to punch this girl in the face.....
A different doctor comes in and seems like he has actually read my chart.  He starts asking me a bunch of questions and I answered them with quite a bit of attitude.  Then he said "Do you have any questions for me?" and I said "Um, yes.. if we are not doing an ultrasound I need to leave and go to another doctor because I have already done all of these stupid tests.  So are you going to bring me to the ultrasound room or not?" ... After he got over his initial shock, he said he would take me to do an ultrasound today and then look over my charts from NFC, and let me know if I need to come back next week for more tests.  This whole ordeal wasted about 15 minutes and got my hormones all flustered so I am so ready to see my babies!!
Now for the happy part :-)  After the embarrassment of almost taking my underwear off for what I thought would be a transvag ultrasound (It's all I ever had!!! Thank God he didn't notice) he out the gel on my belly and we got started.  The office had a big TV screen to watch and it was the first ultrasound I could actually enjoy because I wasn't in excruciating pain from the transvag one.  We saw the two heartbeats right away, as well as their little arms and legs.  Neither of them care for ultrasounds too much.. they kept flipping away from it so it was hard to get good pictures.  Baby A heartbeat was 178 and baby B 180.  Both measured perfect!  He said our next ultrasound would be at 20 weeks for an anatomy scan, but we have a 4D one scheduled at 16 weeks (Oct. 16th) during fall break, so we can have a big gender reveal party that Saturday :-)
So, overall today was a pretty emotional appointment.  Being shuffled around and forgotten about and not listened to is definitely NOT something I am used to, but in the end we got to see our two sweet babies.. so all is well.  Here are some pictures from today!

Last Day at NFC :*-(

Well, today was our last appointment at Nashville Fertility.  It's so exciting that we are finally pregnant and can move on to the next phase, but after being with them for 3 years, they have become such huge supporters of us and it's so comforting to have people that understand what we went through to get here and can appreciate what a huge deal this is for us.  I was sad to say goodbye to them and move on to being just another new pregnant patient that is seen once a month for routine check ups. 

When we got to NFC we could tell everyone felt that same way we do!  Everyone said "so this is your last day?" "Are you really leaving us?" "We are so excited for yall but we are going to miss you!"  We went in to the ultrasound room and I was so nervous!! I was scared we would have a "vanishing" twin or one that did not make it or there would only be one sac.. thinking the worst (of course.. I have to break that habit!!)  But when Patty began the ultrasound she said "yep, this baby looks good, and that one looks good too.. cute babies!"  Then we got to see both of their heads and heartbeats.  Twin A measured 7w6d with a 164 heartrate and twin B measured 8w0d with a 170 heartrate.  She said they would never match up exactly, but as long as they were less than 5 days apart there is nothing to worry about.  We even got to hear their heartbeats!! It was so surreal.  She gave us pictures of both babies, gave us a big hug, and told us to come back in 9 months so she can see them.

After we finished the ultrasound, we talked to a nurse I had never seen before about all of my symptoms and medications I am taking.  Dr. Hill came in next and said he was so excited for us.. then he already started talking about our frozen embryo and how we can try that in a couple of years!! I doubt we will want to do that with 2 crazy kids.. but you never know.  He said he wanted to get my progesterone and estrogen level to see if I could stop taking the progesterone shot (Please God!!).  He said I should be able to since I have two little placentas making plenty of it already.  So I am hoping to be done with that awful thing!

We go to a regular OBgyn September 2nd at 3:15.  I am going to be so lost.. I have never been anywhere baby related except for the fertility center so it is going to be very strange!  I am 8weeks1day today.  We found out our due date is March 24th!  Will keeps saying they are two boys.. I think I may have to kill him.  What do you think?

Powell twins!

Phew! Sorry it took me ALL day to write this post.. I know many of you were anxiously waiting, but you will understand after you hear the day we had!

So, our appointment was not scheduled until 12:45.. but Will has really been wanting to trade his truck in and get something with better gas mileage (since he drives to Nashville everyday and 17mpg just wasn't cutting it) and that was in better shape than his truck (it has 158k miles on it and is literally falling apart.. we have invested $600 in it this month, not including the ridiculous gas money). So we figured since he had today off we would go to the dealership and at least see the trade-in value of his truck, plus he has been researching for about 4 weeks and found a crazy deal that the guy was even mad about because it was wayyy too low.  blah blah blah SOO we stopped at chevrolet in Rivergate to scope out this equinox that Will really liked, and when he was getting ready to pull out onto Gallatin Road.  Well this girl was letting us out, but apparently Will "took too long" to pull out, because when he did she GUNNED it and hit our front end!!!!!! So then we pull over and get out and exchange information.. turns out her and Will went to school together and she was really cool, so we all sat in the Wal-mart parking lot and chatted for an hour until the cop showed up to file a report.  It literally just left one tiny scratch on the truck and a little dent in her bumper.  So then she was like "it was good running into you Will!" and I said "..literally" and then we left.  I can't make this up.

At this point it is too late to go to the dealership but we are 2  hours early for our appointment, so we drive to Nashville and shop around Kroger for a little while, then sat in the car for another hour before it was finally  time for the appointment.  We get in there and the ultrasound tech (Patty) calls our name and she is seriously about to start skipping because she is so excited.  She said I am only 6w1d today, which is not as far along as I thought I was, but at least I know for sure now.  We start the ultrasound and right away she says "well I for sure see 2 gestational sacs" but then as she was manipulating the wand it was sooooooo painful.  Like it was awful.  She was looking and said "it's really hard to see because your uterus is tilted straight back and you have some cysts on your ovaries thats making them really swollen, from your egg retrieval"  Cue freak out mode.  So I'm all "Is that bad?!" "What does that mean?!" "Are they ok?!" scariest thing ever. So She quickly said it wasn't bad and didn't mean anything except that she couldn't get a good picture or measurements or anything unless my uterus started cooperating (you had ONE job uterus).  After about 4 attempts to "lift" my uterus and me feeling like it was getting ripped out of my body, she goes "am I hurting you, hon?" Umm yeah, your only lifting a part of my body up out of its cavity.  But I only said "yes" and she said she was going to get the doctor.  Turns out my doctor is out of town, so a doctor I had never seen came in and was able to find the two gestational sacs, two yoke sacs, two fetal poles, and two heartbeats.  One was a good heartbeat and one was more of a flicker, but we came in so early they really didn't expect to see any heart activity at all, so it was good.  So then we had to go in the conference room and wait for another hour for the doctor to come talk to us more.  She said both sacs are a good size, which means both are likely to stay growing.  She did talk to us about possible spontaneous reduction, in which one baby just stops growing, but she said that only happens about 10% of the time and they really only worry about it if one of the sacs is way smaller than the other, and ours are relatively the same size.  She said not to really tell a lot of people about twins yet though, just in case... (Not a whole lot of people read this.... right?!...) Then she said to keep taking my regular meds, I have to take the progesterone shot for a little while longer, and I have a second ultrasound scheduled for August 13th at 8:45am.  I asked her about the cysts and gigantic ovaries and asked her if they would affect the fetal development and she assured me it wouldn't, and that since they are only a product of the egg retrieval that they will get smaller and eventually go away.  She said they should be cyst free and back to normal no later than 12 weeks gestation.  So that made me feel better, knowing that my ovaries weren't taking over and squishing the pea-sized humans.  We got a little picture to take home and we were on our way.  (After we paid the $50 copay.. totally didn't realize we weren't on the "flat rate fee" that we already paid [$14,500 to be exact] thing once you actually got pregnant)

After we left there, we decided will REALLY needed a new car.  A blue pickup truck that didnt even have 4 full doors and no room for a wheelchair just wasn't going to cut it now.  So we drove all the way to cool springs to look at this crazy deal of a car that he found, and long story (3 hours later) short we traded his blue pick up truck for a 2010 silver chevy equinox (such a nice daddy car!) I got to drive it home and it is amazing!! What's more amazing is a $100/week gas budget as opposed to a $300 budget and not spending an extra $100+/week on maintenance crap!!

So after 11 chaos filled hours (not really, probably 6 of those hours were just spent sitting around waiting for something) we are finally home, and I am exhausted!! I didn't have my usual nap today (sooo tired these days) so I am tired and cranky!  I just keep thinking to myself.. how am I going to do this every single day starting next week when school starts again!! GES friends, if you hear screaming and scary sounds coming from my room, please make sure I'm not asleep at my desk)

Here is a picture of our little babies at 6 weeks!  Praying all goes well for both of them as the doctor expects they should.  Now, I'm going to bed!! Phew!

Beta #3

Today was my third and final beta test.  I got there at 10:30, they drew my blood, and then I left!  Usually they call between 12-2.. but of course today at 3:30 I still had not received a call! I was going nuts.  You can't just tell a person who has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years that they are pregnant and then leave them hanging in the balance waiting to see if the pregnancy is progressing properly or not! So I was driving myself crazy letting my mind run wild until I finally called them to let them know I was still waiting!
So finally my nurse called me at 3:45.  She said my beta was so high they actually had to dilute it a little bit (?!) but the number was 2,964.  She said everything is looking great and to schedule my ultrasound for July 30th.  Then she told me that because we were scheduling it a little early that we may not be able to see the heartbeat yet and my doctor may have me come in the following week anyway (which is the first week of school, defeating the whole purpose of going in early) but we would at least be able to see how many embryos implanted and if the sacs were growing appropriately.  Then we will schedule another ultrasound 2 weeks after this one. SO then I call to schedule my ultrasound and Dr. Hill is not in the office that entire week?!! So I explained the date situation once again to another person and she talked my nurse into letting me keep the July 30th date and just let me consult with a different IVF doctor.  sheesh! Today has been quite a headache, but the good news is our betas look fabulous and we have our ultrasound July 30th at 12:45 to see our sweet baby/babies for the first time!
I forgot to post this last entry, but after my second beta the phlebotomist handed me this nifty little brochure with all of the do's and dont's of being pregnant.  Is it weird that it felt exactly like getting a diploma?! So exciting!!

Beta #2

Hey everyone!  I went in for my second beta today.  She said she wanted my first number (250) to double so I was hoping for anything over 500.  I walked in to a completely full waiting room and this new receptionist asked me what I was there for today.  I quietly said "second pregnancy test" and turned around and saw about 20 pairs of eyes shooting daggers at me!! I was on that side of the road such a very short time ago.. I blogged about it less than 2 months ago! So I sheepishly walked to my seat and muttered an "I know.. sorry.." and silently cussed the receptionist for THAT little stunt!!

So then they called my name and said "hey!! you're back!!" and we all did a little happy dance before they drew my blood :-)  Then I talked to my nurse because if Monday's beta comes back high, we will schedule an ultrasound 2 weeks after.  Well, the problem with that is that it is the very first week of school.. and my GES friends know the craziness that will surround that week with a new principal, new assistant principal, a bunch of new staff, and new little firsties who have no idea what bus they ride, what their car rider number is, or where they live.  So I told her getting to Nashville anytime during that week will take an act of congress, and I asked her if we could possibly do it on a Saturday or figure something out because I would hate to have to wait for an entire extra week for an ultrasound!  And because they love me (or because I am a frequent flyer who has surely paid for at least 2 staff members cars) she said I could come in a little earlier than they like, on July 30th.  So I was excited about that!

My HCG level today was 681.. so it definitely doubled!  I will go back on Monday for one more beta test and then schedule our ultrasound for July 30th!

Side note:: today is my mom's birthday!  I sent her a text and said "happy birthday mom/meme!" she cried. best present ever!!

Baby Powell!!

I have some great news!!!
 I went in for the pregnancy bloodwork this morning at 8:15. Last time I had this awful gut feeling and I had bad dreams, etc.  This time I didn't really feel anything.  I was just cruising with the windows down listening to old school music on pandora and not thinking about a thing.  When I got to the fertility clinic, the front desk people and phlebotomist kept asking if "today was the day", and I told them it was.  So we did the bloodwork and I left!  I got home at about 9 and waited VERY impatiently for the call (as did all of you!!) I checked my voicemail 7 times before I finally heard "you have one new message".. so my heart starts POUNDING out of my chest and a clutch the phone with all my might and listen for the news...

"Hi this message is for Tifani Powell. hi Tifani this is Andi calling with your results and I do have good news! Your first level came back positive. It was a 250 which is great!! its a good, high number.  [[insert run down of meds I still need to take]] We do want you to get another level so we will have you come back Friday to make sure it doubles and then we will get a third level on Monday.  We did transfer back two embryos but we will not know how many implanted until we do the ultrasound, but we do know you have a good high first number.  So congratulations, you are pregnant!"

WHAT?!! Is it weird that we spent about $14,000 on this treatment and went through so much crap and it never really crossed my mind that it would result in a pregnancy? I am in so much shock!  We are definitely not out of the woods yet as it is still so early.. but everything looks great so far.  This probably won't even feel real until I am giving birth!

So from this point on I am in uncharted waters.  I have never made it this far before, so I am not really sure what to expect next.  I want to thank everyone so much for sticking with me, thinking of me, helping us raise money, and most of all praying for us during the most difficult time in our lives.  I can't believe I am saying this.. but baby Powell will be here in March and we could not be more excited!!!!

Transfer Day

Hey everyone!  Yesterday was our embryo transfer.  I can not even begin to tell you how nervous I was because this was the point last time that everything started to go wrong.  This time, like last time, we had many eggs fertilize.  This time, like last time, several were growing and we were able to do a 5 day transfer.  Then you don't hear anything else from the IVF lab until you go in for the transfer.  Last time, we thought everything was still going great... then the embryologist came in and slapped me in the face with some grade C embryos, then said we had nothing to freeze, then it all spiraled down into a big, fat negative.  So I was not very excited about this appointment.  We got there early because there was no traffic on a Sunday, and we had to wait in the parking lot for a nurse to let us in.  It was pretty cool because we got to go in the private "doctor" elevator and went through the office part of the fertility center, where the doctors meet, their offices, the huge file room!  It felt like just one more thing that makes Will and I not just the average everyday patient at NFC. 

When we finally got to the room, I had to get on my gown, take my valium, and wait for the embryologist to come and tell me the news.  I was so scared.. my heart was hammering in my chest, I was sweating, I was having flashbacks in my head [[[grade C, none to freeze, no good news, I'm so sorry]]]  But then the she finally came in and showed us the paper with the picture and grade of our little embies.  One perfect little grade A (!!!!) and one grade B.  She also said we have one embryo to freeze.  I felt like a thousand pound weight was lifted off of my chest!! I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and the embryologist looked at me with these empathetic eyes and said "grade A is the best you can get, you really did great this time, try to breathe!"  I felt so much better after she left.  Just knowing I have one perfect little embryo being transferred, and one grade B which are what most people get and become pregnant, plus having one backup in case something doesn't work.  So then Will and I joked about one smart/one athletic twin, the A one being the girl because of course girls are smarter, etc. until my valium kicked in and we were ready to go! 

Dr. Hill came in and said I did amazing this cycle.  He even said we were taking a bit of a risk here implanting these 2 near perfect embryos, but he also said he understands everything I have been through, so that makes him ok with it.  We were wheeled into the transfer room for what I must say is always the most painful appointment.  I hate the speculum, I hate the stuff to "clean" your cervix with what feels like a Q-tip without the cotton, I hate the cold stuff they put on your tummy for the ultrasound, I hate the way the catheter has to snake in and out and hit all different parts of your lady areas before it gets to your uterus, and I hate hanging basically upside down for an entire hour! It hurts so bad, but at least the valium takes the edge off a little bit.  I found the little screw on the corner of the light in the ceiling very interesting for a while...

When we finished, Dr. Hill showed us the little embryos inside my uterus and told me to hang out in bed for a few days.  We have a progesterone level bloodwork appointment scheduled for July 10th and a pregnancy test scheduled for July 16th.  Everyone thinks I should test early, and I definitely could.  But I seriously think I have some form of PTSD of taking home pregnancy tests.  I have taken so many, only to see that one evil pink line every single time that threw me into hysterics and made me non functional for a good 3 or 4 days.  I look straight ahead when I walk by them in the grocery store, and if I even start thinking about opening one up, waiting for the results as it lay on the bathroom sink, I start sweating and get really hot and itchy and almost break out in hives!! They have never brought anything to me but devastation.  So, I am pretty confident that I will just wait for the blood test.  I mean, I have a perfect embryo inside me.  Perfect. How could at least one not take?  As I said before.. I am not going to think of what could go wrong.   I am ONLY thinking of what could go right.  Please pray, pray, pray.. Hopefully I will have good news to share soon!

Here is a picture of our little embryos we transferred yesterday.  Praying they latch on and grow for the next nine months!  Oh, and speaking of progesterone, I am not taking about the little progesterone pills most people get to take.  No, I take progesterone each night intramuscularly.  Enjoy, and thank your lucky stars for progesterone pills!!

Egg Retrieval

So yesterday morning was my egg retrieval!  I can not even tell you how ready I was to have these eggs taken out of me.. my ovaries felt like they were going to burst, I could not even stand up straight!  Dr. Hill came in and said how excited he was to be doing my retrieval, and then they gave me some "happy meds".  I actually remember being wheeled into the retrieval room, switching beds, and then having 3 nurses all over me (one putting oxygen in my nose, one getting my legs in stirrups, one pushing the meds in my IV) and then I was out!  I woke up back in the room with Will.  I was in sooo much pain.  It was a mixture between really awful period cramps, and that kind of cramping you get if you hold your pee for a really long time.  It was awful!  The nurse gave me a lorotab and some dilaudid to help with the pain, which made me super nauseous and dizzy.  It was a mess!!
I still feel pretty awful today.  I am having terrible cramps, and the pain meds just make me puke, so I am mostly just laying around and trying to sleep off the pain!  The IVF lab called earlier this morning.  They got 14 eggs at retrieval, performed ICSI (insert sperm into the egg) on 10, and 9 fertilized!  I feel like 9/10 is a very good success rate.  She is going to call again tomorrow to let me know how they are progressing.  As of right now, our transfer is scheduled for Sunday at 9am.  Hopefully I am feeling better by then!  But for now, back to the couch I go.  Here is a picture of me pre-egg retrieval!

Ultrasounds 2 and 3

So this week has been a crazy week filled with doctors, bloodwork, and ultrasounds!  I basically have to go in every other day so the doctor can monitor my estrogen level to make sure it isn't getting too high, as well as checking on how many eggs I am growing, how big they are, and to help them determine when I am ready to take the shots to trigger ovulation for the egg retrieval.  The doctor today said my uterine lining looks "great!!" and she said I am a rare case (in a good way) because all of my eggs are growing at the exact same rate, while my estrogen level is staying pretty low, which is the "ideal" scenario.  I told Will that I feel like I am the star student in class!  So, the nurse just called and said to take my stimulant meds one more time tonight, then trigger shot (for ovulation) Sunday night.  We go back Monday just for bloodwork and to talk to our nurse about egg retrieval stuff (we know the drill, lady) and then our egg retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 9am.  Of course, it would be on the one day I have a dentist appointment and was going with my mom to get her hair done, but since its for the egg retrieval, I am fine with it!  I am also very excited because the nurse said both my retrieval and my transfer will be with MY doctor.  I know he is seriously wanting me to be pregnant.. I have been a thorn in his side (so to speak) and a case he can't solve for a good 3 years, so I know he is going to do everything in his power to make sure this works.

Speaking of "making sure it works".. I have read so many sweet comments people have said to me!  I have so many people praying for us and wishing us the best.  But lets talk, friends.  I know you all are thinking exactly what we are thinking.  "Oh! I am so happy for them!!... I really hope this works... what if it doesn't work..."  We are so very excited about doing all of this again, but to say we were not terrified would be a lie.  Though there are so many positives, medically, to doing IVF a second time, the negative side of it is having flashbacks of being here 2 years ago and being so excited and calculating my due date and picking baby names and nursery colors.. only to have my world come crashing down 3 weeks later and spend the next 2 long years crawling back up from the pits of Hell.  Believe me, I haven't forgotten!  BUT I also can not let fear hold me down.  I have learned to live by one motto since we began this journey again: "Stop worrying about what could go wrong and start thinking about what could go right."  If I let my mind wander, my fear sometimes takes over and I begin to panic.  I start re-preparing myself for impact and getting my designated corner of my room ready with my shot glass and pillow that I have been to so many times for negative pregnancy tests after IVF and IUIs and pregnancy announcements and baby showers.... But then I think about what could go right.  This is IVF here.. 90ish% success for someone like me, with perfect ultrasounds and flawless bloodwork.  Yes, it could go wrong, but it could also go so, so right.  So, we are choosing to think about all of the things that could go right!! Another motto I am living by is to "give it to God and go to sleep".  There is only so much worrying and scenario playing a person can do.  And what good is it?  Does it change anything?  Does it help the outcome?  No.  The only one who can change anything or predict the outcome of something is God.  So give it to him, and go to sleep!!

So friends, do not worry about me!! I know it is scary to see me so happy and excited and know that in 3 weeks my world can collapse again, but let's as a group agree that we will not think of it again until we need to (hopefully never)  Let's all be positive, let's all pray for success, give it to God, and go to sleep!

I have a few pictures for you today.  I have the medical picture of a normal ovary (top picture 1-2 small eggs) and a stimulated ovary (bottom picture..mine have about 17.. ouch!)  and my favorite life mottos right now.  Pray for my little eggies, and send me positive thoughts on Tuesday at 9:00!

Ultrasound 1

Hey guys! Today was our first ultrasound to check on our little eggies.  I was excited to see how everything was progressing because I am on new medications with different doses than last time.  The good thing about doing this whole IVF thing for a second time is that I am not getting the "basic workup".. meaning I am not getting a standard IVF plan and hoping it works.  Instead, my doctors and nurses have experience with how my body reacts to the medications, what went right, what went wrong, what could be better, etc. etc.  So I have a much more personalized plan for my body this time, which is hopefully going to make a huge difference!
My nurse called with the results about an hour ago.  She said my estradiol (estrogen) level was 376, which is lower than last time.  My doctor said last time I was on stimulant meds my eggs came out "guns blazing" (?!?!?!) and I had way too many, so they couldn't grow big enough or as good of a quality as they could have been.  So this time he is going for a more "quality over quantity" approach, which means less eggs, better quality.  My nurse said everything looked perfect today, so keep taking my meds as I am and go back in again on Thursday.
Since this blog has turned into more of a rant educational thing, I figured I would take a picture of the medicine I take every day.  Here we have a terrible painful nasty nauseating crazy pills lovely cocktail of coq10, prenatals, vitamin D, folic acid, dexamethesone, gonal F, lupron, and menopur.  Say that 5 times fast!!

Suppression Check

Hey everyone!  Today was our suppression check.  I have been on birth control and Lupron for about a month, and the doctor has to check and make sure all of my eggs and hormones are nice and rested so they can get crazy overstimulated over the next 2 weeks!! I did a lot better with side effects this time.  I really didn't have any mood swings or crying fits!  Mostly I have just been super nauseous every day and had a few hot flashes here and there.  But I will take that over mood swings any day! 
First, the phlebotomist did my bloodwork, then we did the ultrasound to check my follicles.  It is so funny (sad!!) that Will and I know everyone who works at the fertility center.  When we went in today, everyone we saw was like "hey guys!!" "How have you been?" "Good to see you!" "long time no see!" as they carry around our HUGE file, which I am sure weighs a good 5 pounds!!  A fertility center is not exactly a place you want to become popular in because you have been a loyal patient for 3 years.. BUT it is definitely reassuring to see friendly, familiar faces during such an anxious time.  Anyway, after our ultrasound our nurse talked to us about my medications and said we did not need to do a trial embryo transfer, basically because I have had enough catheters shoved in me between IVFs and IUIs over the past 2 years that they are pretty confident they can easily do it again during the transfer.. so that was good!  The nurse called a few minutes ago to tell me my e2 level was 36 which means I am suppressed.  So, I will start my stimulation drugs on Saturday, and begin my lovely rounds of bloodwork and ultrasounds on Tuesday the 24th.  Hopefully our egg retrieval will be the first week of July.  Here is a picture of my stimulant injectable meds.  Gonal-F.. it's what's for dinner!

Meds!

Hi everyone!  Will and I have been in full swing IVF mode as of May 23rd.  Right now I am in the suppression stage, so I am taking birth control and will start lupron Thursday.  My suppression check is scheduled for June 17th, and then a whole bunch of lovely ultrasounds, then egg retrieval the week of June 30th.  I am SO not excited about taking lupron again.. last time I am pretty sure Will almost had me admitted to the looney bin!! I also have to take a bunch of new meds, including menopur, Gonal F, and bravelle patches.  Will and I decided to skip the IVF class this time because we thought we were pros.. until I opened my box of meds!! No idea what I am doing!! Sooo I will have to call my nurse and basically tell her I am not smarter than a fifth grader (or in this case, smarter than IVF class participants) and have her explain what each med is for and how/when to take it.  I am not nearly as stressed and frantic as I was at this point last time.  I went back and read my blog from the first IVF.. and I read the post about the meds, thinking to myself "calm down chick!!"  But then I remembered how physically and emotionally exhausted I was from being so naive and not knowing what to expect, what to do, who to ask...... I think this time is less stressful mostly because I know what lies ahead.  I know what will happen next, what the bloodwork and ultrasound results mean, what I should or shouldn't be worried about.  So for now, I am not stressing about anything.  I am just taking the meds and waiting patiently for the next step.  I will post again after my suppression check.

Here is a picture of my meds.  Should have taken the class, huh?!

Would you like check or cash?

Wow!  It has been a crazy few weeks.  A lot has been going on in my life, both fertility wise and other.  Our dog of 11 years had a stroke and was diagnosed with blindness, so I have spend the majority of this month researching her condition and helping her adjust as best I can.  Hubby was hospitalized with Pylonephritis for 4 days, so I spent last week in and out of the hospital with him.  It is the last few weeks of school, so I am trying to get all testing, paperwork, and cleaning done before the last day, on top of making sure all of our prerequisites are met for IVF.  BUSY is an understatement!!
We hit a huge milestone for us in IVF world last week. I have already written about this, but I remember the first time we did IVF, the money situation hit us like a ton of bricks.  $14,000?!! We fund raised for a year and STILL had to take out a $6,000 loan (which we are still paying on).  This time, though, it seems like everything just fell into place perfectly within a few months time.  The people who love me the most really came together and donated so much money to Will and myself.  I raised money and had a few thousand in savings.  I knew we had the money, but it was in so many different places, and it was making me anxious because I didn't know how much we had exactly, and nothing was set in stone.  I still felt like the rug would be pulled out from under me any second.  I think this whole "This is great, but what is going to go wrong to mess it all up" attitude is going to take a long time to get rid of.  Well, last week my mom and I decided to gather all of the money, put it all in the bank, and figure out how much we had/need.
So, I went to her house with my big old envelope of cash and my big bucket of change, a few checks, and a pen and paper.  We had, in all, $11,500!!!! We needed $10,500 for IVF, and with my discounted meds we need about $700.  That means we had enough money for everything with no loans or credit cards.  In 3 months time!!! WHAT?!! How did that even happen!!??? So I took my happy little self to the bank, got my cashiers checks, and sent them off to the fertility center.  IVF is paid. in. full.
I am cycle day 29 today, so I should be starting my period within the next few days, and we will start our exciting new journey!! We are nervous, excited, scared, happy, and ready. Most of all though, we are in disbelief of how easily this journey is starting out.  Bring it on, IVF #2!!

Here is a picture of our money before we took it to the bank!!

 

How to tell an infertile you're pregnant

I felt the need to write this post as an afterthought of my post titled "alone".  Afterwards, SO many people came up to me and said "I'm sorry.." "I know I have probably said hurtful things to you" or I can just tell in their heads they are thinking about every word before they say it.. praying whatever comes out doesn't throw me into hysterics.  This was NOT my intention when I wrote that post.  But that got me thinking.. people genuinely don't KNOW how to deal with someone with infertility.  They don't know what to say and not say.. do and not do.  So, I feel the need to elaborate more on my "alone" post and hopefully leave you feeling more educated and able to deal with people in my condition, rather than scared to death to talk to me.
Can we all just talk about the elephant in the room here?  The fact that I work with ALL women, and they are all getting pregnant right now. Of course everyone is SO excited to tell everyone their huge news!! Hell, when it's my turn.. I'm pretty sure I will be screaming it from the roof and hanging a banner in my front lawn.  But let me educate you on what happens when an infertile hears about someone close to them getting pregnant.
> We get instant tunnel vision
> Our palms start to sweat
> Our hearts start hammering in our chest, 100 miles an hour
> A huge lump forms in our throat
> We instantly obsess about how often we will be dragged into a conversation about pregnancy
> We can't stop thinking about how much it will hurt to see your belly growing
> We automatically start calling out to God for help as we feel a meltdown approaching

Now, do you THINK we want this to happen in front of you?  Or worse, in front of a group of people?  It is probably the most embarrassing thing ever.  People look at you like you are being rude or "selfish" for not being happy or excited, the pregnant person thinks you're mad at them, then everyone pities you, then they talk about how bad it must suck to be Tifani Powell.  People like me can't just hear about a friend being pregnant and instantly go out and ask you when you're due and how you're feeling.  We need time.  Time to grasp the concept of yet another person in my inner circle being pregnant.  Time to talk with God and have him give me even MORE strength and comfort to accept this new curveball.  Time to prepare myself for the pregnancy/baby conversations that are to come for the next 9 months or longer and for watching your body grow and change as mine still sits here empty. 

When telling an infertile you're pregnant, don't catch us off guard.  It is so embarrassing for us to have one or more people watch us crumble and hurt, and it makes us feel even worse that if makes the pregnant person feel as if she did something wrong or that we are upset at them for something.  Do shoot us a text a week or so before you tell everyone else.  Give me time to absorb this information by myself with no one watching so I can scream, cry, and drop to my knees in prayer without making anyone else upset.

Rant over!! I hope this is more of an educational post than an "I can't believe she wrote that, who is that about? Did I do something? Is she mad at me?" post.  I am trying to help people understand my situation and be more sensitive to me and others like me.

Doctor-wise.. Will and I have completed all pre-requisites (again) for IVF, and have saved all but $500 to pay for it!  We also were accepted into a program to receive 50% off all fertility meds.. which will end up being about $700 which is great!  So now I am just waiting to start my period and begin our cycle!  Thanks for reading!! :-)

And to lighten the mood.. (but seriously though!!)

IVF #2

So I realized why I have been having so many meltdowns.  It was because I knew in my heart an IUI would not work.  Let me explain what an IUI is.. **disclaimer, may be TMI for some readers.. welcome to infertility!!** An iui is when the doctor puts sperm into a syringe and attaches it to a catheter.  They insert the catheter into my uterus, dispense the sperm, and then I have to wait 2 weeks to see if it worked.  Now here is the trick,  we are using frozen sperm, which only stays alive inside the body for 12 hours, and during those 12 hours it is slow and sluggish due to being frozen and dethawed.  There are various ways to increase the VERY low chances of the sperm and egg meeting on time, such as medicine to produce more eggs to increase the sperms chances of finding one, a trigger shot to make me ovulate 24-48 hours after injecting it, etc.  But the chances of that sperm meeting that egg within the 12 hour time crunch is damn near impossible, no matter how many chinese herbs I shove down my throat or how many needles I get put in me for accupuncture.  The chances are just very slim of it working.. like winning the lottery.  So as the time was quickly approaching to me doing this IUI.. I was becoming extremely nervous.  I was already preparing myself for my world to come crashing down again with another negative and figuring out how I would pick up the pieces and go yet another year being sad and jealous and bitter and trying to work through all of those feelings yet again.. while being another $3000 in debt.  It was terrifying and I was losing my mind (as many of you saw from my last blog post....)

So my mom calls me one day while in the middle of one of my meltdowns and can not figure out why I am so sure this procedure will not work.  When I explained my reasons.. she said.. "You know what?? I am done with these IUI's.. we are doing IVF this summer."  .?!!? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I have wanted to do IVF again since the last one failed.  Let me explain the difference between IVF and IUI.  During IVF.. they literally get you pregnant outside of your body.  They put you on meds to make you produce tons of eggs.  Then when the eggs are mature they harvest the eggs and put them in a little petri dish.  They then take the frozen sperm, dethaw, and inject the sperm into the best eggs so they fertilize and become embryos.  Then they take the best embryos and insert them into your uterus to implant and become little babies and freeze the rest of the embryos for later use.  There is literally NOTHING left to chance with IVF.  It is all totally controlled.  SO of course I would rather do this (not to mention the 75% success rate.. which is even higher for me because of my age and the fact that I have been doing accupuncture AND all of my tests are great). But it is sooo expensive.  My mom said we will figure it out.  We have a lot of money saved already that we were planning to use for IUI and/or other things.. that will now be used for IVF.  I have a gofundme.com page up and running, my sister in law is donating a good chunk of money, and we may have to take out a $4500 loan.  But we WILL have the money by June (!!!!!!!!) and are looking to start a cycle in May (!!!!!!!!!!)

Infertility is so scary.  We have to pay a lot of money up front to even try to get pregnant, then have a bunch of doctors and nurses poke and prod and prescribe meds .. we can't just lock the bedroom door and light some candles (wouldn't that be nice).  Then if it doesn't work, we can't just "try next month".. we have to go back to saving and go through the grieving process once again.  I can't even explain the headache trying to have a baby is to someone who doesn't have fertility issues.. though I try through this blog.  So yes, we are scared.  Yes, it is a HUGE risk.  But, with big risk comes big reward.  For the first time, I feel this coming together.  We are not freaking out for money and wondering what will happen.  Everything seems to just be falling into place.. so I pray this is a sign of good things to come.  We shall see.  I will try my best to keep everyone updated as we go through this exhausting journey with IVF once again.  Please pray for us and wish us luck!! Here we go!!

Gofundme link

alone.

Meltdown day.  At work and everything.

** Disclaimer **  I am sorry if I "call anyone out" in this post or make you feel uncomfortable by posting it.. please know I am not trying to single you out.. just trying to explain how my circumstances have made me feel the way that I do.

Here's my thing.  People who do not have fertility issues think those of us that do- get mad at women for getting pregnant and/or get jealous because they can have kids and we can't.  I can totally understand this misconception, and can't say I wouldn't assume the same thing if the shoe wasn't on the other foot.  I am hoping this post can make these people see us in a different way.

"It will happen for you."  So my best friend at work told me she was pregnant in December.  So I did the whole "happy for you, sad for me" bit that all of us infertiles do.. and it was really true.  She deserves a child more than most people.  But it doesn't make it sting any less that we are together constantly and people are constantly coming up to her asking her about the baby and rubbing her belly and talking about how cute she is when I am standing right there.  Then another close friend of mine tells me she is pregnant.  Then my fertility friend gets pregnant after 3 months of accupuncture (I have been going for 7 months and she still says I am "not ready") and yet another fertility friend gets pregnant with her second child after her second treatment (I have had 9 unsuccessful treatments).  Am I mad at these people? No. They are all married, happy, and deserve children.  But don't I also deserve children?  "it will happen for you." Well, maybe it will.  But do you realize it takes me $3,000 (13 months to save up) for the least expensive treatment to even have a chance of it "happening" for me??? And what if it doesn't "happen" for me?  What then?  People just don't understand.  Although, the constant pregnancies in my face all day every day at work are painful and difficult and at times I am mad or jealous, this is SOO not the biggest issue (common misconception.)

"I can't imagine/I know its hard/I'm so sorry" etc. The most difficult thing for infertile people is the feeling that you are absolutely alone in this world.  There is no one in my circle with the extent of fertility problems that I have.  No one has been through 9 treatments, put themselves $36,000 in debt, and still not have a child.  No one understands how it feels to have to come to grips with the fact that I may never have people "oooh"-ing and "awwwww"-ing over my belly or asking me about genders or baby names.  Some days I just wish I had someone to talk to and have them say "yes, I know, I am in the same position, I know exactly how you feel" But I don't.  And that is SO hard.  Harder than looking at pregnant people or admirers of pregnant people all day.  I wish I had someone to understand my struggle.

"God has a plan/you could always adopt" Really people?  I know this is said with the best of intent at heart.  But please stop saying this to people who have fertility issues.  I understand that God has a plan for my life.. but do you think I want to hear that his plan is to watch me struggle and cry every single night and beg and plead with him while everyone else around me is blessed with what I want??? Not helpful.  and why don't you just adopt?! I would love to adopt a sweet baby.  But (1) We wouldn't even get past the home study with a paraplegic, 2 pitbulls, a house in the ghetto with not heat/air or fire alarms, and a couple who are living paycheck to paycheck because of fertility and (2) if we didn't want to have a biological child we wouldn't be $36,000 in debt right now--we would have gone through adoption in the first place.  It is SO easy for people with  biological children to say "just adopt".  But if they had to walk just one mile in our shoes they would understand what a difficult decision it is to give up the dream you had of having a child with your looks, your behaviors, your DNA and make the switch to adoption.

Obviously, I have had a bad day.  I feel like everywhere I turn, pregnancy is slapping me in the face.  And then I get upset and I turn around and people are saying painful things to me.  And it's not their fault--it is because I am completely and utterly alone in this cruel world of infertility.