Hi everyone!
There hasn't been much to blog about since getting my TAC in July. I have been taking my MANY pills daily, working out, and staying very busy at work.
Today was our first "fertility" appointment. We had to get all of our prerequisites done. I had to get another HSG done. This is where they insert a catheter and inject dye into your tubes to make sure they are not blocked. It's not really painful but it isn't exactly a walk in the park either. Most people only need one, but this is the fourth one I have had. I was nervous because I thought it might be painful now that I have a TAC, I was nervous about the TAC blocking the catheter, I really didn't know what to expect.
After a long wait, they finally called me back. First, they do a little "interview". The nurse took me to a small room, and the awkward conversation went as follows:
Nurse: Have you had one of these before?
Me: Yes, this is actually my fourth!
Nurse: OH! uhhh.. wow.. how unusual! okay.. have you ever been pregnant?
Me: Yes
Nurse: Did you deliver naturally?
Me: Yes
Nurse: And how old is the child?
Me: Um.. actually, I lost them at 20 weeks
Nurse: ....so.... you didn't deliver?
Me: ?!!? Yes, I did.. I delivered them naturally at 20 weeks.. they did not survive.
Nurse: ** akwardly writing notes** Okay... So have you had any surgeries on your uterus?
Me: No, but I had a transabdominal cerclage placed around my cervix in July
Nurse: A what?!?!
Me: Transabdominal cerclage...........
Nurse: A cerclage?! I thought those were only placed while pregnant??
Me: ... uh.. no.. it's not a regular cerclage.. it's placed abominably pre pregnancy..
Nurse: huh?? never heard of it.. you're just full of surprises!!
Me: um.. okay.. how much longer???
So yeah!! After that awful conversation, I went in the room to complete my HSG. Luckily, I had a different nurse, who was wonderful!! Everything came back normal (just like the first 3 times) and the doctor had no issues inserting the catheter, which lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders and gave me a lot of comfort about going through IVF and the many catheters and ultrasounds that come with the territory.
After the HSG, Will and I went to the Fertility Center to complete our prerequisite bloodwork. We both felt so strange, because we didn't see any of our "people"! There was a new front desk person, back desk person, and phlebotomist. We were sad we didn't get to see anyone, but it was also kind of comforting because it was like we were starting over. No one knew us, so no one had that "pity" look in their eyes that we often get from people that know our whole story. It was actually refreshing for people to think we were newbies coming in to complete our bloodwork for our very first IVF. The phlebotomist literally took 12 viles of blood from me. I kept looking at the tubes thinking 'surely some of those are for Will?!!!' No, they took about 3 viles from Will and 12 from me. I was feeling pretty light headed leaving, to say the least!! Results should be back in a week.
So, that is what is going on in our fertility world!! Now, on to Zoey and Piper..
We are quickly approaching the 1 year mark of losing our sweet baby girls. It seems like a lifetime ago, but at the same time it feels like yesterday. I am trying so hard to stay strong, but I can feel myself unraveling. Our perinatal appointment was October 30th, which was the beginning of the end. I was put on bedrest that day, and thus began the slow fall to November 9th, the loss of my whole world as I knew it. These dates are coming towards me like a freight train I can not stop. I am starting to cry at the drop of a hat. For example, my first graders were crazy on the Friday before fall break, which is very normal (ask any teacher!!) Normally, I would be like "gosh!! These kids are cray!!!!" and move on. But this time, I cried all through lunch and spent the next hour in my principals office crying. I am having trouble coping with every day struggles because my mind is so preoccupied with coping with dealing with the milestone dates that I can not stop from approaching. I am so thankful to have the support that I have, especially at work, to help me overcome the next few weeks. I thought I would be strong enough to do a memorial party for the girls, but as the date approaches, I am realizing I am not strong enough to do that on the first anniversary. Maybe on the second, or the third.. maybe not ever. It hurts so deep, something I could never describe. My mom and I have decided to do acts of kindness that day instead. We will be visiting the hospital in which I delivered my girls and bring gifts to the amazing nursing staff who helped me through that horrific time in my life. One nurse stayed an extra 4 hours past her shift because I begged her not to leave me. One nurse cried with me and prayed with me on my bed and told me about how she herself lost a child at 26 weeks gestation. They were so wonderful, and I want them to know how thankful I am.
Please pray for me as I face these milestone dates, and as I begin another round of IVF. It will be hard because it is going to make me miss my girls every step of the way, but I also know I have 2 little cheerleaders in Heaven that are pushing mommy to do what she can to create a living, happy family.
Thanks for reading!
Monday, October 12, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
A Memorial Birthday for Zoey and Piper
Hello Everyone!!
I am feeling great since my TAC surgery. I prayed constantly for a speedy recovery because I knew I would have to begin working in my classroom and going to inservices, and I really did not want to depend on pain medication for too long. It has been one week since leaving Chicago and honestly I can hardly feel my incision anymore. I have been off all medication for 2 days and I am feeling great! Walking around, cleaning the house, even going shopping! God definitely answered my prayers and I could not be happier.
I also have been back in touch with my IVF nurse. She is so excited to hear from me and let me know how many people at the fertility center are pulling for us. They have honestly become like family to me, and they all love us so much. I have started my supplements again and will go in for my prerequisite bloodwork in November.
I am so excited to begin our journey to bringing our living baby into the world. But I don't want anyone to think I am forgetting about our girls, and I definitely don't want them to be replaced or looked over as we begin the next steps in our lives.
Zoey and Piper's first birthday will be November 9th. I can't believe it has been almost a year since losing them. I really want to have some sort of memorial party for them. I want to make a tradition for this and celebrate their birthday every year, so they are never forgotten by us and they are known by any of their future siblings. I am thinking some sort of dinner party, and releasing biodegradable lanterns with messages from each guest written on them. I know in my heart they are with me always, looking down on me, and I just can't fathom letting their special day go by without memorializing them in some way.
Please let me know if you would be interested in attending my girls' memorial birthday. I know it may be weird or uncomfortable for some people and I completely understand that. But they deserve to be recognized and remembered their birthday, living or not.
Thank you all for staying on this wild and crazy ride with me!
Here is a picture of the supplements I will be taking for the next year and a half or so.. yay me..
I am also attaching the blog from which I got the idea about the lanterns. There are lots of pictures that may explain my idea better than I can. I sincerely hope you are able to be a part of it!
Paper Lantern Memorial
I am feeling great since my TAC surgery. I prayed constantly for a speedy recovery because I knew I would have to begin working in my classroom and going to inservices, and I really did not want to depend on pain medication for too long. It has been one week since leaving Chicago and honestly I can hardly feel my incision anymore. I have been off all medication for 2 days and I am feeling great! Walking around, cleaning the house, even going shopping! God definitely answered my prayers and I could not be happier.
I also have been back in touch with my IVF nurse. She is so excited to hear from me and let me know how many people at the fertility center are pulling for us. They have honestly become like family to me, and they all love us so much. I have started my supplements again and will go in for my prerequisite bloodwork in November.
I am so excited to begin our journey to bringing our living baby into the world. But I don't want anyone to think I am forgetting about our girls, and I definitely don't want them to be replaced or looked over as we begin the next steps in our lives.
Zoey and Piper's first birthday will be November 9th. I can't believe it has been almost a year since losing them. I really want to have some sort of memorial party for them. I want to make a tradition for this and celebrate their birthday every year, so they are never forgotten by us and they are known by any of their future siblings. I am thinking some sort of dinner party, and releasing biodegradable lanterns with messages from each guest written on them. I know in my heart they are with me always, looking down on me, and I just can't fathom letting their special day go by without memorializing them in some way.
Please let me know if you would be interested in attending my girls' memorial birthday. I know it may be weird or uncomfortable for some people and I completely understand that. But they deserve to be recognized and remembered their birthday, living or not.
Thank you all for staying on this wild and crazy ride with me!
Here is a picture of the supplements I will be taking for the next year and a half or so.. yay me..
I am also attaching the blog from which I got the idea about the lanterns. There are lots of pictures that may explain my idea better than I can. I sincerely hope you are able to be a part of it!
Paper Lantern Memorial
Saturday, July 18, 2015
TAC surgery
Well, we are back from Chicago! I still find it hard to believe that I found out about the abdominal cerclage just 4 short months ago, decided to go for it, and now here I am, TAC-ed up!
We got to Chicago Tuesday evening and it was freezing! Seriously, we let TN when it was about 100 degrees, so of course all we packed was shorts and tank tops. We got to Chicago and were welcomed to a windy 70 degrees.. SO our first stop was to get jackets!! Then we had the most delicious pizza ever (who can go to Chicago and NOT have the famous "pie") and went to bed. I got to the surgery center at 6:30am to get prepped for surgery. Dr. Haney came in and once again explained how the TAC works, why it is so amazing, and how I will never have to experience loss again. He also told me when I DO get pregnant, my uterus is going to be held very high by the TAC, so I will basically look like a very large beach ball! Will had a good laugh about that one.. Next thing I know, I get a mask on my face, then wake up about 2 hours later.
Dr. Haney said everything went perfect. He said he looked at my uterus, ovaries, and everything when he was in there and it all looked great, no issues. He said I did not have any fatty buildup around my cervix, and it was not short or swollen. He said there is NO WAY anyone could tell it was incompetent (even him) until he touched it. When you touch a cervix, it is supposed to feel like touching a plastic straw (hard, rigid), but when he touched mine, it was squishy, like play doh. The good news was that is is nice and long, and since it wasn't swollen or anything, he easily put 2 bands in, as high as they would go. He said these bands hold a total of 140 pounds, and I will have NO problem carrying twins. He also said he loved the tattoo I got for my girls, and he realizes what a big deal this is for me. He looked me right in the eye and said "you no longer have incompetent cervix, now go get pregnant!!"
The next day we did some sight seeing in Chicago (my dad pushed me around in a wheelchair! Will and I were a match made in Heaven, lol). We went to Millennium Park and saw "The Bean", ate some delicious Chicago food, and looked at all the amazing buildings before we went home.
So, now I officially have a Trans-abdominal Cerclage and am ready to do IVF again! The next step is getting on Will's insurance in November. His insurance covers 90% of IVF, so in the meantime we are saving up for the other 10%, the deductible, and the cost of medication. We are nervous to start the whole process again, but I know Zoey and Piper are cheering for mommy and daddy up in Heaven!!
Here are some pictures from Chicago, and a picture of the difference between the TAC and other types of cerclages. The lower the cerclage, the higher the likeliness of funneling and dilating through it and losing the baby anyway (along with bedrest, or a very long NICU stay with the baby suffering from lots of lifelong problems) My doctor (95% of doctors) only do the McDonald cerclage, which only has about a 75% success rate (and that includes babies born at 24 weeks that have 6-9 month NICU stays..) My TAC has a 99% success rate (only includes babies born after 37 weeks!)
We got to Chicago Tuesday evening and it was freezing! Seriously, we let TN when it was about 100 degrees, so of course all we packed was shorts and tank tops. We got to Chicago and were welcomed to a windy 70 degrees.. SO our first stop was to get jackets!! Then we had the most delicious pizza ever (who can go to Chicago and NOT have the famous "pie") and went to bed. I got to the surgery center at 6:30am to get prepped for surgery. Dr. Haney came in and once again explained how the TAC works, why it is so amazing, and how I will never have to experience loss again. He also told me when I DO get pregnant, my uterus is going to be held very high by the TAC, so I will basically look like a very large beach ball! Will had a good laugh about that one.. Next thing I know, I get a mask on my face, then wake up about 2 hours later.
Dr. Haney said everything went perfect. He said he looked at my uterus, ovaries, and everything when he was in there and it all looked great, no issues. He said I did not have any fatty buildup around my cervix, and it was not short or swollen. He said there is NO WAY anyone could tell it was incompetent (even him) until he touched it. When you touch a cervix, it is supposed to feel like touching a plastic straw (hard, rigid), but when he touched mine, it was squishy, like play doh. The good news was that is is nice and long, and since it wasn't swollen or anything, he easily put 2 bands in, as high as they would go. He said these bands hold a total of 140 pounds, and I will have NO problem carrying twins. He also said he loved the tattoo I got for my girls, and he realizes what a big deal this is for me. He looked me right in the eye and said "you no longer have incompetent cervix, now go get pregnant!!"
The next day we did some sight seeing in Chicago (my dad pushed me around in a wheelchair! Will and I were a match made in Heaven, lol). We went to Millennium Park and saw "The Bean", ate some delicious Chicago food, and looked at all the amazing buildings before we went home.
So, now I officially have a Trans-abdominal Cerclage and am ready to do IVF again! The next step is getting on Will's insurance in November. His insurance covers 90% of IVF, so in the meantime we are saving up for the other 10%, the deductible, and the cost of medication. We are nervous to start the whole process again, but I know Zoey and Piper are cheering for mommy and daddy up in Heaven!!
Here are some pictures from Chicago, and a picture of the difference between the TAC and other types of cerclages. The lower the cerclage, the higher the likeliness of funneling and dilating through it and losing the baby anyway (along with bedrest, or a very long NICU stay with the baby suffering from lots of lifelong problems) My doctor (95% of doctors) only do the McDonald cerclage, which only has about a 75% success rate (and that includes babies born at 24 weeks that have 6-9 month NICU stays..) My TAC has a 99% success rate (only includes babies born after 37 weeks!)
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Vacation and MORE hurdles!!
hey everyone!!
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.. just really haven't had much to blog about! Will and I have just been laying back since deciding to get the TAC surgery. We both (well mostly Will talked me into it....) decided that we needed to just get away. We have spent ALL of our money on fertility treatments, while ultimately led to heartache, since we have been married, so he finally said "we haven't had anything to look forward to or be excited about since we started fertility", and that really hit home for me. so the next day I booked a cruise to the Bahamas. I really did it just to please him, but I can not tell you how MUCH NEEDED this cruise was. For the first time in forever we finallt had the chance to just let loose and enjoy each other, without the stress of appointments, medications, shots, pregnancy tests, disappointments, stress, heartache, etc. etc. We had fun, we let loose, we hugged a dolphin!! It was amazing!!!
So then I get home, start summer school, and prepare for my TAC surgery. Well, remember when I told you insurance would cover 80%? Well.. that was a BIG. FAT. LIE. I get a voicemail 2 days ago saying "Hey Tifani, this is Gina (my Tac surgeon's assistant) and I am just calling to say your insurance denied your TAC, so.. give us a call...) I am not exaggerating when I say my jaw literally hit the floor. WHAT?!! I called them months ago with the surgery codes and they said that yes, they would cover the surgery, no problem. Appparently now the "code" is "non specific" and they "can't cover it".. after many calls and confusion, it turns out that my insurance only covers the TAC surgery if I am already pregnant. Well, the window to get a TAC in pregnancy is before 10 weeks. Take into account most people probably won't get a positive test/ultrasound until 5-6 weeks, then have to plan a surgery with only 1 of 2 surgeons in the world who are experts in this procedure, and that equals a whole lot of stress and panic between a successful IVF and a TAC surgery. Too much stress for me or my body to handle. We all know my body and my luck, so I am going to go ahead and assume that I would either not make the time frame between a confirmation ultrasound-getting the surgery and be screwed, or I would just flat out stress out enough to cause a miscarriage. Cue Panic Mode and giving up on the idea of EVER having a successful pregnancy.
By the grace of God and many friends who found it in their hearts to donate, I have my 20% (approx. $3000) saved for the 20% I anticipated to spend out of pocket. My mom and dad said they would match me (seriously, can you think of better parents? They have spent so much money to try to help me, and they just keep on giving without thinking twice about it) and my aunt said she would cover whatever we are lacking. My surgeon does a flat rate fee of $7000 for those of us who have this backwards insurance that doesn't find this surgery as a necessity (blessed are they who have never lost a child and can pass judgement on those of us who need this extra help to carry a child to term) so it looks like we will be self paying for my TAC. It is a huge financial stress on us all.. but NOT having the surgery isn't an option. I just can not risk losing another baby due to not getting a surgery that will allow me to carry to term and deliver a healthy baby, just because insurance says I "don't need it".
So, surgery is still a go! It hasn't been an easy journey, but for those of you who have been reading for a while, has any of this been an easy journey for us?? We will not be beaten!!! We will continue to fight and we WILL bring a healthy baby into this world, come Hell or high water!!!
Here are some pictures from our MUCH NEEDED vacation!! I am also attaching the link for our gofundme account. This self pay mess is throwing a HUGE kink in our plan, and it is going to be a huge financial stress on us, as well as our whole family. Like I said, NOT getting the surgery is not an option.. any dollar you donate is a dollar that does not come out of our or our families already depleted savings.. thanks in advance!!!
I love you all and thank you so much for keeping up with me and praying for my family!!
GoFundMe
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.. just really haven't had much to blog about! Will and I have just been laying back since deciding to get the TAC surgery. We both (well mostly Will talked me into it....) decided that we needed to just get away. We have spent ALL of our money on fertility treatments, while ultimately led to heartache, since we have been married, so he finally said "we haven't had anything to look forward to or be excited about since we started fertility", and that really hit home for me. so the next day I booked a cruise to the Bahamas. I really did it just to please him, but I can not tell you how MUCH NEEDED this cruise was. For the first time in forever we finallt had the chance to just let loose and enjoy each other, without the stress of appointments, medications, shots, pregnancy tests, disappointments, stress, heartache, etc. etc. We had fun, we let loose, we hugged a dolphin!! It was amazing!!!
So then I get home, start summer school, and prepare for my TAC surgery. Well, remember when I told you insurance would cover 80%? Well.. that was a BIG. FAT. LIE. I get a voicemail 2 days ago saying "Hey Tifani, this is Gina (my Tac surgeon's assistant) and I am just calling to say your insurance denied your TAC, so.. give us a call...) I am not exaggerating when I say my jaw literally hit the floor. WHAT?!! I called them months ago with the surgery codes and they said that yes, they would cover the surgery, no problem. Appparently now the "code" is "non specific" and they "can't cover it".. after many calls and confusion, it turns out that my insurance only covers the TAC surgery if I am already pregnant. Well, the window to get a TAC in pregnancy is before 10 weeks. Take into account most people probably won't get a positive test/ultrasound until 5-6 weeks, then have to plan a surgery with only 1 of 2 surgeons in the world who are experts in this procedure, and that equals a whole lot of stress and panic between a successful IVF and a TAC surgery. Too much stress for me or my body to handle. We all know my body and my luck, so I am going to go ahead and assume that I would either not make the time frame between a confirmation ultrasound-getting the surgery and be screwed, or I would just flat out stress out enough to cause a miscarriage. Cue Panic Mode and giving up on the idea of EVER having a successful pregnancy.
By the grace of God and many friends who found it in their hearts to donate, I have my 20% (approx. $3000) saved for the 20% I anticipated to spend out of pocket. My mom and dad said they would match me (seriously, can you think of better parents? They have spent so much money to try to help me, and they just keep on giving without thinking twice about it) and my aunt said she would cover whatever we are lacking. My surgeon does a flat rate fee of $7000 for those of us who have this backwards insurance that doesn't find this surgery as a necessity (blessed are they who have never lost a child and can pass judgement on those of us who need this extra help to carry a child to term) so it looks like we will be self paying for my TAC. It is a huge financial stress on us all.. but NOT having the surgery isn't an option. I just can not risk losing another baby due to not getting a surgery that will allow me to carry to term and deliver a healthy baby, just because insurance says I "don't need it".
So, surgery is still a go! It hasn't been an easy journey, but for those of you who have been reading for a while, has any of this been an easy journey for us?? We will not be beaten!!! We will continue to fight and we WILL bring a healthy baby into this world, come Hell or high water!!!
Here are some pictures from our MUCH NEEDED vacation!! I am also attaching the link for our gofundme account. This self pay mess is throwing a HUGE kink in our plan, and it is going to be a huge financial stress on us, as well as our whole family. Like I said, NOT getting the surgery is not an option.. any dollar you donate is a dollar that does not come out of our or our families already depleted savings.. thanks in advance!!!
I love you all and thank you so much for keeping up with me and praying for my family!!
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
"But Look How Much of Me is Left"
Hey everyone!
So, I am reading another amazing book my my favorite author (Jodi Piccoult, best author, hands down!!) called The Storyteller. In a nutshell, this 20-something girl becomes friends with a 92 year old man, who asks her to kill him because she is a Jew, and he was a Nazi leader in Auschwitz, so he feels it would be 'just'. Well, come to find out, the girl's grandmother was a prisoner in Auschwitz, and the only way she escaped death was by writing this intense story that the Nazi leader's brother was obsessed with, so he made her write 10 pages a day and in return, kept her alive. She escaped Auschwitz after her entire family, friends, camp, etc. were murdered, only to develop breast cancer later in life and have a radical mastectomy. Anyway, the 20-something girl is remembering a time she was young and saw her grandmother in the shower, noticing all of her scars, and missing breasts. When the grandmother asks the girl (who was 4 at the time) what she is looking at, she says "it's missing". The grandmother says "Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left"
Have you ever had one of those moments where you read a page of a book and literally have to close the book and stop for a second, because it strikes your soul so deeply that is catches your breath?! I had to stop reading for the night and reflect on that sentence. Looking back on my fertility journey, I have had a negative IVF, 7 negative IUI's (including 1 chemical pregnancy) and an IVF that resulted in the loss of my girls at 20 weeks. I guess now would be a good time to add that I also did an FET with our one remaining embryo from the girls' IVF in early March, which also resulted in a negative. So it is safe to say we have been through the ringer trying to bring a child into this world. Sometimes I feel like my life has been consumed by infertility. I used to eat, sleep, and breath it. I lost friends over it, drove myself into debt over it, battled depression and anxiety because of it, and almost sent my husband into an early grave dealing with me over it. But that sentence made me stop and think. Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left. Contrary to what you might assume from this blog, I have so much left of me, that does not have anything to do with infertility or child loss. I have the best husband in the world. I have 2 amazing families (mine and Will's) who have stuck by me and fought this fight with me, and carried me when I couldn't stand on my own. I have a career I thrive in with a team that has been on this roller coaster with me for 4 long years, and they have not stepped off once. Seriously, these women see me 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. They have seen my good days and my bad (not so proud of) days. They never shun me or leave my side, even though I have treated some of them like crap before!! With these 3 groups of fabulous people for me, who could be against me? I have a roof over my head, food on the table, dogs to love me, money in the bank (ehhh.. ok so that one is not as constant as the rest..), and a room full of first graders who think I hung the moon. Look how much of me is left.
On a medical note.. I had my phone consult with Dr. Haney about my TAC! I told him everything, and he said I am a classic case of incompetent cervix. He explained it like this:: Your cervix is like a spool of thread. There is the middle, plastic part.. and the outside "thread" part. Basically, my cervix does not have the plastic part. It is just the soft thread. So obviously, at the first sign of pressure, it begins to give way, funnel, shorten, etc. He said I will always have this condition. It was not just due to twins, like my other doctor made me believe. He said the bands we will put in are like a flat shoelace. They are made of merciline and can hold up to 100 pounds!! So obviously it would not be a problem carrying twins again. This was a big concern of mine because we are definitely transferring 2 for our next IVF, because we transferred 1 during the FET and, well, epic fail. So twins again is a high possibility. As a matter of fact, Dr. Haney said women with a TAC have a better twin pregnancy than women who don't have incompetent cervix at all, because my cervix will be able to hold more weight (100lbs?!?!!!) than a normal cervix can. He told me to think of it like a wedding ring. Say you smash your hand against the wall, and it begins to swell. What happens to the ring? Absolutely nothing. It stays exactly as it should, regardless of the swelling or pressure (just like the uterus with a growing baby), So I was super excited by the time I got off the phone with him!! We scheduled the surgery for July 15th at 8am. MORE good news:: I got selected to teach summer school!! This job will give me about $1800.. which will pay for most of my surgery. I also have another fundraiser coming up on May 4th, and my gofundme page is still up. I am hoping to make at least $600 on gofund me to pay for the hotel stay (I have to stay at the hotel attached to the surgery center so Dr. Haney can come check on me before/after surgery.. for the LOW LOW price of $305/night). I can't tell you how excited I am to get this surgery behind me and have my body cured of the awful condition that killed my girls.
So, lots of positivity in this post :) From now on, when I start feeling sorry for myself, I am going to remember that sentence that made me stop and question my entire mindset. "Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left."
I am attaching another link to my gofundme page, if you would like to help me reach my $600 goal! we only need about $300 more!! I am also attaching a picture of the TAC bands they will use for my surgery (I highly encourage you to NOT google this.. seriously..) AND a link to the book I am reading. It really is a phenomenal book, if you are looking for a good read!
GoFundMe The StoryTeller
So, I am reading another amazing book my my favorite author (Jodi Piccoult, best author, hands down!!) called The Storyteller. In a nutshell, this 20-something girl becomes friends with a 92 year old man, who asks her to kill him because she is a Jew, and he was a Nazi leader in Auschwitz, so he feels it would be 'just'. Well, come to find out, the girl's grandmother was a prisoner in Auschwitz, and the only way she escaped death was by writing this intense story that the Nazi leader's brother was obsessed with, so he made her write 10 pages a day and in return, kept her alive. She escaped Auschwitz after her entire family, friends, camp, etc. were murdered, only to develop breast cancer later in life and have a radical mastectomy. Anyway, the 20-something girl is remembering a time she was young and saw her grandmother in the shower, noticing all of her scars, and missing breasts. When the grandmother asks the girl (who was 4 at the time) what she is looking at, she says "it's missing". The grandmother says "Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left"
Have you ever had one of those moments where you read a page of a book and literally have to close the book and stop for a second, because it strikes your soul so deeply that is catches your breath?! I had to stop reading for the night and reflect on that sentence. Looking back on my fertility journey, I have had a negative IVF, 7 negative IUI's (including 1 chemical pregnancy) and an IVF that resulted in the loss of my girls at 20 weeks. I guess now would be a good time to add that I also did an FET with our one remaining embryo from the girls' IVF in early March, which also resulted in a negative. So it is safe to say we have been through the ringer trying to bring a child into this world. Sometimes I feel like my life has been consumed by infertility. I used to eat, sleep, and breath it. I lost friends over it, drove myself into debt over it, battled depression and anxiety because of it, and almost sent my husband into an early grave dealing with me over it. But that sentence made me stop and think. Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left. Contrary to what you might assume from this blog, I have so much left of me, that does not have anything to do with infertility or child loss. I have the best husband in the world. I have 2 amazing families (mine and Will's) who have stuck by me and fought this fight with me, and carried me when I couldn't stand on my own. I have a career I thrive in with a team that has been on this roller coaster with me for 4 long years, and they have not stepped off once. Seriously, these women see me 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. They have seen my good days and my bad (not so proud of) days. They never shun me or leave my side, even though I have treated some of them like crap before!! With these 3 groups of fabulous people for me, who could be against me? I have a roof over my head, food on the table, dogs to love me, money in the bank (ehhh.. ok so that one is not as constant as the rest..), and a room full of first graders who think I hung the moon. Look how much of me is left.
On a medical note.. I had my phone consult with Dr. Haney about my TAC! I told him everything, and he said I am a classic case of incompetent cervix. He explained it like this:: Your cervix is like a spool of thread. There is the middle, plastic part.. and the outside "thread" part. Basically, my cervix does not have the plastic part. It is just the soft thread. So obviously, at the first sign of pressure, it begins to give way, funnel, shorten, etc. He said I will always have this condition. It was not just due to twins, like my other doctor made me believe. He said the bands we will put in are like a flat shoelace. They are made of merciline and can hold up to 100 pounds!! So obviously it would not be a problem carrying twins again. This was a big concern of mine because we are definitely transferring 2 for our next IVF, because we transferred 1 during the FET and, well, epic fail. So twins again is a high possibility. As a matter of fact, Dr. Haney said women with a TAC have a better twin pregnancy than women who don't have incompetent cervix at all, because my cervix will be able to hold more weight (100lbs?!?!!!) than a normal cervix can. He told me to think of it like a wedding ring. Say you smash your hand against the wall, and it begins to swell. What happens to the ring? Absolutely nothing. It stays exactly as it should, regardless of the swelling or pressure (just like the uterus with a growing baby), So I was super excited by the time I got off the phone with him!! We scheduled the surgery for July 15th at 8am. MORE good news:: I got selected to teach summer school!! This job will give me about $1800.. which will pay for most of my surgery. I also have another fundraiser coming up on May 4th, and my gofundme page is still up. I am hoping to make at least $600 on gofund me to pay for the hotel stay (I have to stay at the hotel attached to the surgery center so Dr. Haney can come check on me before/after surgery.. for the LOW LOW price of $305/night). I can't tell you how excited I am to get this surgery behind me and have my body cured of the awful condition that killed my girls.
So, lots of positivity in this post :) From now on, when I start feeling sorry for myself, I am going to remember that sentence that made me stop and question my entire mindset. "Ah, yes my dear, but look how much of me is left."
I am attaching another link to my gofundme page, if you would like to help me reach my $600 goal! we only need about $300 more!! I am also attaching a picture of the TAC bands they will use for my surgery (I highly encourage you to NOT google this.. seriously..) AND a link to the book I am reading. It really is a phenomenal book, if you are looking for a good read!
GoFundMe The StoryTeller
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Dear Zoey and Piper; Future Plans
Hi Everyone!
It has been a very hard few weeks. My girls' official due date was March 24th, but being twins they would have been here a few weeks early. So right now, I should be on maternity leave. I should be getting NO sleep, learning how to feed and change 2 babies, and taking a ridiculous amount of pictures and clogging everyone's news feed with newborn twin pictures. I've learned that for the rest of my life I will be thinking in terms of how old my twins would be and what I should be doing with them right now. All the way from potty training, to bringing them to school with me everyday, to proms and weddings. I'm sure it will hurt less as the years pass, but it will never go away. I will never forget about my girls, and I don't want to. I am writing a letter to them at the end of this entry, and I will do this every year around this time for the rest of my life. I can only hope my girls can read my thoughts, and I hope God will hold them in his arms and explain to them how much their mommy loves them and continues to honor their memory always and forever.
It is so difficult to think about the future. For one, no baby could ever replace my girls. They have left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. But I can't give up on my dream of being a mom. I just can't. I know I am only 27 and I have plenty of time to become a parent, so I have to think about what the future looks like for me. Also, I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant. Most doctors say if I get pregnant again, I can get a cerclage and "probably" carry to term, with lots of bedrest and progesterone shots. I'm not sure if you know this, but progesterone shots are given with a 2 inch intramuscular needle. The medicine is in oil, so it is very thick and gives you a ridiculous charlie horse when it goes in. I had to take it for 65 days with the girls and by the time I was finished, I thought I was going to die. My entire butt was bruised and scarred. I can not imagine having to take these every day for 9 months. I would also have to be on bedrest from 16 weeks until delivery. I was on bedrest for 10 days with the girls and it was excruciating. I could never have a baby shower, set up a nursery, register at babies R us, take maternity photos, and I would get very weak, making labor the worst experience ever. All of this for an only 80% success rate. Well as you know, I am NEVER on the good side of those kinds of statistics. I can almost guarantee you the cerclage would fail for me and I would lose yet another baby. I truly do not think I can go through that again.
Luckily for me, there is another kind of cerclage, the TAC (transabdominal cerclage). This is placed pre pregnancy. It is placed super high on the cervix, so it never has a chance to dilate or shorten. This cerclage has a 99% success rate!! I would not have to have any bedrest and NO progesterone shots. I could also carry twins with this cerclage. I remember being SO frustrated with my doctors as I was in the process of losing the girls, and hearing them saying "oh this does not work with twins" "this cerclage will not hold in a twin pregnancy" "research says this will not work with twins". When we do IVF again, I will definitely transfer 2 embryos. There is just something about going through the whole process of IVF that makes you not want to gamble on just one embryo. But last time I transferred 2 we were blessed with twins. I just know transferring one will result in a negative, and 2 will result in twins. Having a TAC is the only thing that will ensure a healthy baby at the end of the road, be it one or two. I am excited to take this precaution before I think about doing any other treatments.
Another blessing comes in the form of Will's new job!! His insurance covers (wait for it...) 90% of IVF!!! we will be enrolling in November, and possibly starting another round of IVF (third times a charm???) in summer 2016 (with a TAC).
Until then, we are just trying to reset. We have booked a cruise to the Bahamas this year for our anniversary! I have wanted to go on a cruise since I was 16, but we have spent every extra dollar on fertility for the past 4 years. This year we decided to use that money for US, and are excited to get away for a week! I have also started a kickboxing workout regiment, that is really helping me get my aggression out and deal with the "anger" stage of my grief :-)
If you would like to donate to my TAC surgery, I have a gofundme page I will link at the end of this entry. I know, it is ridiculously selfish to ask for money again, especially after I JUST said I booked a cruise. Rest assured we are putting money back to get this surgery, but I would really like to get it this summer, as it has a pretty lengthy recovery time and I want to get it long before we start another IVF to eliminate any risk of infection and to be sure it holds steady. I won't push it, but should you feel so inclined, we would be forever grateful to you :-)
So those are the plans. rest and reset, TAC, and in 16 months, jump on the IVF train again. But for now I am grieving. So without further ado, this is for you ZoZo and Pip
Dear Zoey and Piper,
You should be keeping me up all night right now! I just now you two would have tag teamed on me. Piper would be sleeping soundly, and Zoey would start screaming and crying, which would wake Pip up, who would start crying. I would feed one and the other would need a diaper change. I'm sure I would not have showered for at least a week. I would be frustrated, frazzled, annoyed, and confused! I would be calling my sister every day to ask her how in the world she managed twin girls. I would be calling my mom to come over and calling for backup every hour. But it would be the most beautiful chaos I've ever heard. The silence without you here when you should be is deafening. You could cut it with a knife. My chest physically hurts when I think about what my life should look like right now if God didn't take you from me. Zoey, I miss the crazy flips you did in my belly all day and all night. You always made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. If daddy ever wanted to feel the babies move, I would always say "put your hand over here, Zoey is flipping again!!" The doctors could never find your heartbeat.. and I would say "is she ok!?!?!" and they would say "yes.. she just won't be still!!" We always knew you would be our crazy girl. Piper, I miss the way you were always stretched out when we saw you. You would always be laid all the way out, legs stretched out, hands behind your head. Your heartrate was always so much lower than your sister's because you were always napping!! We always felt bad for you because Zoey was constantly kicking you!! I remember the last time I saw you, you were all the way head down, ready to come out, but you were still stretched out, heart rate slow, just as calm as can be, despite the chaos happening around you. We always knew you would be our sweet, cuddly baby girl. I hope you two are together. I hope you can feel how much I love you and miss you. I hope you know how many people have made wonderful things in your memory. You are so loved. I promise you that if we ever have any more babies, you will always be a part of our lives. Your brothers and sisters will know about you. I will never stop talking about you. I will always wonder who you would have been. We love you so much. Happy birthday baby girls.
-Love-
Mommy
GoFundMe TAC surgery
It has been a very hard few weeks. My girls' official due date was March 24th, but being twins they would have been here a few weeks early. So right now, I should be on maternity leave. I should be getting NO sleep, learning how to feed and change 2 babies, and taking a ridiculous amount of pictures and clogging everyone's news feed with newborn twin pictures. I've learned that for the rest of my life I will be thinking in terms of how old my twins would be and what I should be doing with them right now. All the way from potty training, to bringing them to school with me everyday, to proms and weddings. I'm sure it will hurt less as the years pass, but it will never go away. I will never forget about my girls, and I don't want to. I am writing a letter to them at the end of this entry, and I will do this every year around this time for the rest of my life. I can only hope my girls can read my thoughts, and I hope God will hold them in his arms and explain to them how much their mommy loves them and continues to honor their memory always and forever.
It is so difficult to think about the future. For one, no baby could ever replace my girls. They have left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. But I can't give up on my dream of being a mom. I just can't. I know I am only 27 and I have plenty of time to become a parent, so I have to think about what the future looks like for me. Also, I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant. Most doctors say if I get pregnant again, I can get a cerclage and "probably" carry to term, with lots of bedrest and progesterone shots. I'm not sure if you know this, but progesterone shots are given with a 2 inch intramuscular needle. The medicine is in oil, so it is very thick and gives you a ridiculous charlie horse when it goes in. I had to take it for 65 days with the girls and by the time I was finished, I thought I was going to die. My entire butt was bruised and scarred. I can not imagine having to take these every day for 9 months. I would also have to be on bedrest from 16 weeks until delivery. I was on bedrest for 10 days with the girls and it was excruciating. I could never have a baby shower, set up a nursery, register at babies R us, take maternity photos, and I would get very weak, making labor the worst experience ever. All of this for an only 80% success rate. Well as you know, I am NEVER on the good side of those kinds of statistics. I can almost guarantee you the cerclage would fail for me and I would lose yet another baby. I truly do not think I can go through that again.
Luckily for me, there is another kind of cerclage, the TAC (transabdominal cerclage). This is placed pre pregnancy. It is placed super high on the cervix, so it never has a chance to dilate or shorten. This cerclage has a 99% success rate!! I would not have to have any bedrest and NO progesterone shots. I could also carry twins with this cerclage. I remember being SO frustrated with my doctors as I was in the process of losing the girls, and hearing them saying "oh this does not work with twins" "this cerclage will not hold in a twin pregnancy" "research says this will not work with twins". When we do IVF again, I will definitely transfer 2 embryos. There is just something about going through the whole process of IVF that makes you not want to gamble on just one embryo. But last time I transferred 2 we were blessed with twins. I just know transferring one will result in a negative, and 2 will result in twins. Having a TAC is the only thing that will ensure a healthy baby at the end of the road, be it one or two. I am excited to take this precaution before I think about doing any other treatments.
Another blessing comes in the form of Will's new job!! His insurance covers (wait for it...) 90% of IVF!!! we will be enrolling in November, and possibly starting another round of IVF (third times a charm???) in summer 2016 (with a TAC).
Until then, we are just trying to reset. We have booked a cruise to the Bahamas this year for our anniversary! I have wanted to go on a cruise since I was 16, but we have spent every extra dollar on fertility for the past 4 years. This year we decided to use that money for US, and are excited to get away for a week! I have also started a kickboxing workout regiment, that is really helping me get my aggression out and deal with the "anger" stage of my grief :-)
If you would like to donate to my TAC surgery, I have a gofundme page I will link at the end of this entry. I know, it is ridiculously selfish to ask for money again, especially after I JUST said I booked a cruise. Rest assured we are putting money back to get this surgery, but I would really like to get it this summer, as it has a pretty lengthy recovery time and I want to get it long before we start another IVF to eliminate any risk of infection and to be sure it holds steady. I won't push it, but should you feel so inclined, we would be forever grateful to you :-)
So those are the plans. rest and reset, TAC, and in 16 months, jump on the IVF train again. But for now I am grieving. So without further ado, this is for you ZoZo and Pip
Dear Zoey and Piper,
You should be keeping me up all night right now! I just now you two would have tag teamed on me. Piper would be sleeping soundly, and Zoey would start screaming and crying, which would wake Pip up, who would start crying. I would feed one and the other would need a diaper change. I'm sure I would not have showered for at least a week. I would be frustrated, frazzled, annoyed, and confused! I would be calling my sister every day to ask her how in the world she managed twin girls. I would be calling my mom to come over and calling for backup every hour. But it would be the most beautiful chaos I've ever heard. The silence without you here when you should be is deafening. You could cut it with a knife. My chest physically hurts when I think about what my life should look like right now if God didn't take you from me. Zoey, I miss the crazy flips you did in my belly all day and all night. You always made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. If daddy ever wanted to feel the babies move, I would always say "put your hand over here, Zoey is flipping again!!" The doctors could never find your heartbeat.. and I would say "is she ok!?!?!" and they would say "yes.. she just won't be still!!" We always knew you would be our crazy girl. Piper, I miss the way you were always stretched out when we saw you. You would always be laid all the way out, legs stretched out, hands behind your head. Your heartrate was always so much lower than your sister's because you were always napping!! We always felt bad for you because Zoey was constantly kicking you!! I remember the last time I saw you, you were all the way head down, ready to come out, but you were still stretched out, heart rate slow, just as calm as can be, despite the chaos happening around you. We always knew you would be our sweet, cuddly baby girl. I hope you two are together. I hope you can feel how much I love you and miss you. I hope you know how many people have made wonderful things in your memory. You are so loved. I promise you that if we ever have any more babies, you will always be a part of our lives. Your brothers and sisters will know about you. I will never stop talking about you. I will always wonder who you would have been. We love you so much. Happy birthday baby girls.
-Love-
Mommy
Friday, February 20, 2015
Soreness
Hi everyone.
Does anyone even read this anymore? I can't believe I started it in 2011, thinking it would be an educational, informative blog about IVF, from consultation to cute little baby. Now here it is, 2015, writing the most depressing blog ever. Oh and by the way, still no baby (living, anyway).
We miss our girls. But it's so hard to describe what exactly it feels like to miss your own babies after the beginning stages of constant breakdowns and sob sessions. If I could relate it to something, I would relate to that soreness you have after a really hard workout. When you're asleep, you don't hardly feel it. When you wake up it hits you all at once. You don't even want to move, you just want to lay perfectly still or go back to sleep so you can't feel how sore you are. But you can't do that. So you get up (ow), take a shower(ow), get ready(ow), go to work, cook dinner, clean... etc. etc. You function like a normal person, but you are soo sore. I have that kind of dull soreness right at the center of my soul. No one knows I live with this soreness every day because I don't talk about it. I mostly don't want people to pity me or associate me with sadness and heartache. So I do everything I did before Zoey and Piper, but now everything is so much harder because of the soreness I have to carry with me every day, forever.
Honestly, I'm thankful for the soreness. I'm thankful I am even able to go back to "normal", some people in my support group are still on antidepressants and still out of work. I'm thankful for the plethora of memory items I have for them and that I can look at their pictures and feel love, and not have a meltdown. I'm thankful that I hurt for them because it means I won't forget them.
I wish I could talk about my new babies like other moms. I wish it wasn't awkward when people ask if I have kids. I wish I could post pictures of my girls on facebook and talk about cute things they do. I wish I could hold other peoples newborns or listen to baby conversations without dying a little inside. I wish my girls were here.
I hope no one I know has to experience this soreness. I hope people understand why I slink away from anything baby related and don't get offended. I hope people don't feel uncomfortable talking to me because of the blanket of grief I carry around with me. I hope people see me for more than just a girl with horrible luck with fertility.
So for the most part, everything is back to normal in our lives. But next time you work out really hard, and feel that soreness in the morning, remember that is what it feels like to miss your child when the dust settles, right in the center of your soul. Don't feel sorry for me though.. it's a good soreness. It is a soreness completely reserved for my sweet baby girls. And for that, I am thankful.
If anyone still reads this, you are a trooper!!
Does anyone even read this anymore? I can't believe I started it in 2011, thinking it would be an educational, informative blog about IVF, from consultation to cute little baby. Now here it is, 2015, writing the most depressing blog ever. Oh and by the way, still no baby (living, anyway).
We miss our girls. But it's so hard to describe what exactly it feels like to miss your own babies after the beginning stages of constant breakdowns and sob sessions. If I could relate it to something, I would relate to that soreness you have after a really hard workout. When you're asleep, you don't hardly feel it. When you wake up it hits you all at once. You don't even want to move, you just want to lay perfectly still or go back to sleep so you can't feel how sore you are. But you can't do that. So you get up (ow), take a shower(ow), get ready(ow), go to work, cook dinner, clean... etc. etc. You function like a normal person, but you are soo sore. I have that kind of dull soreness right at the center of my soul. No one knows I live with this soreness every day because I don't talk about it. I mostly don't want people to pity me or associate me with sadness and heartache. So I do everything I did before Zoey and Piper, but now everything is so much harder because of the soreness I have to carry with me every day, forever.
Honestly, I'm thankful for the soreness. I'm thankful I am even able to go back to "normal", some people in my support group are still on antidepressants and still out of work. I'm thankful for the plethora of memory items I have for them and that I can look at their pictures and feel love, and not have a meltdown. I'm thankful that I hurt for them because it means I won't forget them.
I wish I could talk about my new babies like other moms. I wish it wasn't awkward when people ask if I have kids. I wish I could post pictures of my girls on facebook and talk about cute things they do. I wish I could hold other peoples newborns or listen to baby conversations without dying a little inside. I wish my girls were here.
I hope no one I know has to experience this soreness. I hope people understand why I slink away from anything baby related and don't get offended. I hope people don't feel uncomfortable talking to me because of the blanket of grief I carry around with me. I hope people see me for more than just a girl with horrible luck with fertility.
So for the most part, everything is back to normal in our lives. But next time you work out really hard, and feel that soreness in the morning, remember that is what it feels like to miss your child when the dust settles, right in the center of your soul. Don't feel sorry for me though.. it's a good soreness. It is a soreness completely reserved for my sweet baby girls. And for that, I am thankful.
If anyone still reads this, you are a trooper!!
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