Would you like check or cash?

Wow!  It has been a crazy few weeks.  A lot has been going on in my life, both fertility wise and other.  Our dog of 11 years had a stroke and was diagnosed with blindness, so I have spend the majority of this month researching her condition and helping her adjust as best I can.  Hubby was hospitalized with Pylonephritis for 4 days, so I spent last week in and out of the hospital with him.  It is the last few weeks of school, so I am trying to get all testing, paperwork, and cleaning done before the last day, on top of making sure all of our prerequisites are met for IVF.  BUSY is an understatement!!
We hit a huge milestone for us in IVF world last week. I have already written about this, but I remember the first time we did IVF, the money situation hit us like a ton of bricks.  $14,000?!! We fund raised for a year and STILL had to take out a $6,000 loan (which we are still paying on).  This time, though, it seems like everything just fell into place perfectly within a few months time.  The people who love me the most really came together and donated so much money to Will and myself.  I raised money and had a few thousand in savings.  I knew we had the money, but it was in so many different places, and it was making me anxious because I didn't know how much we had exactly, and nothing was set in stone.  I still felt like the rug would be pulled out from under me any second.  I think this whole "This is great, but what is going to go wrong to mess it all up" attitude is going to take a long time to get rid of.  Well, last week my mom and I decided to gather all of the money, put it all in the bank, and figure out how much we had/need.
So, I went to her house with my big old envelope of cash and my big bucket of change, a few checks, and a pen and paper.  We had, in all, $11,500!!!! We needed $10,500 for IVF, and with my discounted meds we need about $700.  That means we had enough money for everything with no loans or credit cards.  In 3 months time!!! WHAT?!! How did that even happen!!??? So I took my happy little self to the bank, got my cashiers checks, and sent them off to the fertility center.  IVF is paid. in. full.
I am cycle day 29 today, so I should be starting my period within the next few days, and we will start our exciting new journey!! We are nervous, excited, scared, happy, and ready. Most of all though, we are in disbelief of how easily this journey is starting out.  Bring it on, IVF #2!!

Here is a picture of our money before we took it to the bank!!

 

How to tell an infertile you're pregnant

I felt the need to write this post as an afterthought of my post titled "alone".  Afterwards, SO many people came up to me and said "I'm sorry.." "I know I have probably said hurtful things to you" or I can just tell in their heads they are thinking about every word before they say it.. praying whatever comes out doesn't throw me into hysterics.  This was NOT my intention when I wrote that post.  But that got me thinking.. people genuinely don't KNOW how to deal with someone with infertility.  They don't know what to say and not say.. do and not do.  So, I feel the need to elaborate more on my "alone" post and hopefully leave you feeling more educated and able to deal with people in my condition, rather than scared to death to talk to me.
Can we all just talk about the elephant in the room here?  The fact that I work with ALL women, and they are all getting pregnant right now. Of course everyone is SO excited to tell everyone their huge news!! Hell, when it's my turn.. I'm pretty sure I will be screaming it from the roof and hanging a banner in my front lawn.  But let me educate you on what happens when an infertile hears about someone close to them getting pregnant.
> We get instant tunnel vision
> Our palms start to sweat
> Our hearts start hammering in our chest, 100 miles an hour
> A huge lump forms in our throat
> We instantly obsess about how often we will be dragged into a conversation about pregnancy
> We can't stop thinking about how much it will hurt to see your belly growing
> We automatically start calling out to God for help as we feel a meltdown approaching

Now, do you THINK we want this to happen in front of you?  Or worse, in front of a group of people?  It is probably the most embarrassing thing ever.  People look at you like you are being rude or "selfish" for not being happy or excited, the pregnant person thinks you're mad at them, then everyone pities you, then they talk about how bad it must suck to be Tifani Powell.  People like me can't just hear about a friend being pregnant and instantly go out and ask you when you're due and how you're feeling.  We need time.  Time to grasp the concept of yet another person in my inner circle being pregnant.  Time to talk with God and have him give me even MORE strength and comfort to accept this new curveball.  Time to prepare myself for the pregnancy/baby conversations that are to come for the next 9 months or longer and for watching your body grow and change as mine still sits here empty. 

When telling an infertile you're pregnant, don't catch us off guard.  It is so embarrassing for us to have one or more people watch us crumble and hurt, and it makes us feel even worse that if makes the pregnant person feel as if she did something wrong or that we are upset at them for something.  Do shoot us a text a week or so before you tell everyone else.  Give me time to absorb this information by myself with no one watching so I can scream, cry, and drop to my knees in prayer without making anyone else upset.

Rant over!! I hope this is more of an educational post than an "I can't believe she wrote that, who is that about? Did I do something? Is she mad at me?" post.  I am trying to help people understand my situation and be more sensitive to me and others like me.

Doctor-wise.. Will and I have completed all pre-requisites (again) for IVF, and have saved all but $500 to pay for it!  We also were accepted into a program to receive 50% off all fertility meds.. which will end up being about $700 which is great!  So now I am just waiting to start my period and begin our cycle!  Thanks for reading!! :-)

And to lighten the mood.. (but seriously though!!)

IVF #2

So I realized why I have been having so many meltdowns.  It was because I knew in my heart an IUI would not work.  Let me explain what an IUI is.. **disclaimer, may be TMI for some readers.. welcome to infertility!!** An iui is when the doctor puts sperm into a syringe and attaches it to a catheter.  They insert the catheter into my uterus, dispense the sperm, and then I have to wait 2 weeks to see if it worked.  Now here is the trick,  we are using frozen sperm, which only stays alive inside the body for 12 hours, and during those 12 hours it is slow and sluggish due to being frozen and dethawed.  There are various ways to increase the VERY low chances of the sperm and egg meeting on time, such as medicine to produce more eggs to increase the sperms chances of finding one, a trigger shot to make me ovulate 24-48 hours after injecting it, etc.  But the chances of that sperm meeting that egg within the 12 hour time crunch is damn near impossible, no matter how many chinese herbs I shove down my throat or how many needles I get put in me for accupuncture.  The chances are just very slim of it working.. like winning the lottery.  So as the time was quickly approaching to me doing this IUI.. I was becoming extremely nervous.  I was already preparing myself for my world to come crashing down again with another negative and figuring out how I would pick up the pieces and go yet another year being sad and jealous and bitter and trying to work through all of those feelings yet again.. while being another $3000 in debt.  It was terrifying and I was losing my mind (as many of you saw from my last blog post....)

So my mom calls me one day while in the middle of one of my meltdowns and can not figure out why I am so sure this procedure will not work.  When I explained my reasons.. she said.. "You know what?? I am done with these IUI's.. we are doing IVF this summer."  .?!!? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I have wanted to do IVF again since the last one failed.  Let me explain the difference between IVF and IUI.  During IVF.. they literally get you pregnant outside of your body.  They put you on meds to make you produce tons of eggs.  Then when the eggs are mature they harvest the eggs and put them in a little petri dish.  They then take the frozen sperm, dethaw, and inject the sperm into the best eggs so they fertilize and become embryos.  Then they take the best embryos and insert them into your uterus to implant and become little babies and freeze the rest of the embryos for later use.  There is literally NOTHING left to chance with IVF.  It is all totally controlled.  SO of course I would rather do this (not to mention the 75% success rate.. which is even higher for me because of my age and the fact that I have been doing accupuncture AND all of my tests are great). But it is sooo expensive.  My mom said we will figure it out.  We have a lot of money saved already that we were planning to use for IUI and/or other things.. that will now be used for IVF.  I have a gofundme.com page up and running, my sister in law is donating a good chunk of money, and we may have to take out a $4500 loan.  But we WILL have the money by June (!!!!!!!!) and are looking to start a cycle in May (!!!!!!!!!!)

Infertility is so scary.  We have to pay a lot of money up front to even try to get pregnant, then have a bunch of doctors and nurses poke and prod and prescribe meds .. we can't just lock the bedroom door and light some candles (wouldn't that be nice).  Then if it doesn't work, we can't just "try next month".. we have to go back to saving and go through the grieving process once again.  I can't even explain the headache trying to have a baby is to someone who doesn't have fertility issues.. though I try through this blog.  So yes, we are scared.  Yes, it is a HUGE risk.  But, with big risk comes big reward.  For the first time, I feel this coming together.  We are not freaking out for money and wondering what will happen.  Everything seems to just be falling into place.. so I pray this is a sign of good things to come.  We shall see.  I will try my best to keep everyone updated as we go through this exhausting journey with IVF once again.  Please pray for us and wish us luck!! Here we go!!

Gofundme link

alone.

Meltdown day.  At work and everything.

** Disclaimer **  I am sorry if I "call anyone out" in this post or make you feel uncomfortable by posting it.. please know I am not trying to single you out.. just trying to explain how my circumstances have made me feel the way that I do.

Here's my thing.  People who do not have fertility issues think those of us that do- get mad at women for getting pregnant and/or get jealous because they can have kids and we can't.  I can totally understand this misconception, and can't say I wouldn't assume the same thing if the shoe wasn't on the other foot.  I am hoping this post can make these people see us in a different way.

"It will happen for you."  So my best friend at work told me she was pregnant in December.  So I did the whole "happy for you, sad for me" bit that all of us infertiles do.. and it was really true.  She deserves a child more than most people.  But it doesn't make it sting any less that we are together constantly and people are constantly coming up to her asking her about the baby and rubbing her belly and talking about how cute she is when I am standing right there.  Then another close friend of mine tells me she is pregnant.  Then my fertility friend gets pregnant after 3 months of accupuncture (I have been going for 7 months and she still says I am "not ready") and yet another fertility friend gets pregnant with her second child after her second treatment (I have had 9 unsuccessful treatments).  Am I mad at these people? No. They are all married, happy, and deserve children.  But don't I also deserve children?  "it will happen for you." Well, maybe it will.  But do you realize it takes me $3,000 (13 months to save up) for the least expensive treatment to even have a chance of it "happening" for me??? And what if it doesn't "happen" for me?  What then?  People just don't understand.  Although, the constant pregnancies in my face all day every day at work are painful and difficult and at times I am mad or jealous, this is SOO not the biggest issue (common misconception.)

"I can't imagine/I know its hard/I'm so sorry" etc. The most difficult thing for infertile people is the feeling that you are absolutely alone in this world.  There is no one in my circle with the extent of fertility problems that I have.  No one has been through 9 treatments, put themselves $36,000 in debt, and still not have a child.  No one understands how it feels to have to come to grips with the fact that I may never have people "oooh"-ing and "awwwww"-ing over my belly or asking me about genders or baby names.  Some days I just wish I had someone to talk to and have them say "yes, I know, I am in the same position, I know exactly how you feel" But I don't.  And that is SO hard.  Harder than looking at pregnant people or admirers of pregnant people all day.  I wish I had someone to understand my struggle.

"God has a plan/you could always adopt" Really people?  I know this is said with the best of intent at heart.  But please stop saying this to people who have fertility issues.  I understand that God has a plan for my life.. but do you think I want to hear that his plan is to watch me struggle and cry every single night and beg and plead with him while everyone else around me is blessed with what I want??? Not helpful.  and why don't you just adopt?! I would love to adopt a sweet baby.  But (1) We wouldn't even get past the home study with a paraplegic, 2 pitbulls, a house in the ghetto with not heat/air or fire alarms, and a couple who are living paycheck to paycheck because of fertility and (2) if we didn't want to have a biological child we wouldn't be $36,000 in debt right now--we would have gone through adoption in the first place.  It is SO easy for people with  biological children to say "just adopt".  But if they had to walk just one mile in our shoes they would understand what a difficult decision it is to give up the dream you had of having a child with your looks, your behaviors, your DNA and make the switch to adoption.

Obviously, I have had a bad day.  I feel like everywhere I turn, pregnancy is slapping me in the face.  And then I get upset and I turn around and people are saying painful things to me.  And it's not their fault--it is because I am completely and utterly alone in this cruel world of infertility.

Goodbye (and good riddance) 2013

Oh 2013.. you weren't much better than 2012.  Still more disappointments-more negatives-denied grants.. still searching for our miracle.  Just another year I won't be sad to see the end of.

The positive thing about 2013 was that  I took time to heal myself and grow as a person.  Though I still have the raw emotions and disappointments from our constant battle with infertility, this year I really focused on finding a way to deal with those emotions.  I have realized that I can no longer let infertility control my life.  I used to let it control how I felt about people with kids, who I could and could not handle hanging out with, who I got mad at because they unknowingly made a hurtful comment.  It literally controlled every emotion I had.  But in 2013 I decided to STOP doing treatment after treatment after treatment.. chasing something that came so easily for everyone else (which seriously ticked me off).  I gave my body time to heal.  Sometimes I would just stop everything and just sit, and let the emotions come.  Sometimes I would cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes I would scream or throw things against the wall.  Sometimes I would just sit still in a trance.  But whatever came out.. I just let it happen.  And after letting myself do this a few times.. I realized that each time.. I felt it a little less.  My breakdowns were getting shorter and shorter.. until finally I would sit down and realize I was no longer mad at someone for getting pregnant.  I was no longer angry about all of the unsuccessful treatments I went through.  I realized that all I had to do to make this horrible jealous, bitter, raging emotions go away... was to face them head on.  And that's what I did.  And now I am healed.

Will my husband and I become parents in 2014?  I don't know.  Will we try? sure. Will I have a complete mental breakdown and stop talking to everyone with kids and hate the entire world for being able to get pregnant if a treatment fails? No.  Because infertility will not define me.  It will not control my life.  So bring on 2014.  Baby or no baby!!

If infertility was a person

So, Will and I just got the results of our last attempt at getting a grant for IVF.. we were not chosen for any of the grants.  Lovely.  So, I guess we will be doing a fully medicated IUI after a few more months of accupuncture.  But today I am not really writing about procedures and logistics and medical jargon.  Today, I just want to talk about how I am feeling.
I read in one of my many infertility books that you should give your infertility battle a name.  Make it like an actual person.  That way, your spouse and you are not mad at each other or blaming each other, but are blaming the actual issue instead.  This was by far the best advice I have ever read.  Sometimes I have to stop and realize that it is not MY fault, WILLS fault, THE DOCTORS fault, or anyone's fault that this is happening to us. It is infertility's fault.  Since I have had this epiphany, I sometimes hear songs on the radio or that I used to listen to all the time and realize that this is exactly how I feel about infertility.  I have always felt that songs express feelings so much better than words do, so maybe writing this will help me explain my situation.
The newest one I have heard is Colbie Caillat's song "hold on"  some of the lyrics are so true of my struggles:
I'm feeling further, feeling further from you every day
You're in the stars, in the stars, yeah, you're worlds away
I'm moving on, moving on, then I hear you say
Hold on, hold on
This is so true of my journey.  Right now, Will and I are taking a break for the year.  Each day that passes, I feel like I am getting further away from my dream of being a parent with Will.  I find myself thinking less and less about which treatment we will do next, how much money we need to save, when I can go back.  Sometimes I will go days without thinking about it at all. And then BAM.. someone gets pregnant or has a baby.. and there is that pain and longing again, just as raw as if it had never left.  Like it is saying hold on, hold on...
I'm losing love, losing you, losing everything
Losing faith in the world where I wanna be
So I don't care if the one thing that's killing me
Is so wrong, so wrong

I should walk away...
Will and I went through so much, I lost friends and family, lost my battle with fertility, lost my hopes and dreams, lost a little bit of faith in God. I know it is wrong to keep trying and trying and trying these stupid treatments, I know I should just walk away from it all and save the money for a vacation to Hawaii or something.  But I just can't.  It's still there.. telling me not to give up.


The Colbie song is great and all.  But this song I have listened to a thousand times since I gave my infertility a name.  The song "Rest in Pieces" by Saliva.  An oldie but a goodie, and definitely explains my struggles perfectly.
Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
omg.. so true!! I tell myself, with each failed procedure.. it doesn't hurt as bad this time, I am used to the pain, it's ok.  But it's never true.  When I let myself feel it, the pain is just as raw and just as intense as ever before.  Taking a break from treatments does not help. Again, as soon as someone gets pregnant or has a baby or has a successful treatment, the pain shoots down my spine again.  It really does suck!!
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
OK, I know this is a stretch.  But really.. I remember being SO excited to go to appointments.  So ready for the next step and the next step.. so very hopeful and naive of all that was to come.  This was all before infertility destroyed my life.  Before all of the negatives.  Before we ran out of money.  Before I lost almost everyone in my life.  I wish I could be that happy and hopeful again.  And I often ask God that if I can't get pregnant, never will have kids, why can't he just make this go away?! Make the desire go away, make the jealousy and bitterness stop.. just let me rest in pieces.  If it is not his will for me to have kids.. just make the pain go away..

So that's it.  I love music, I feel like it can explain so much and make you feel things that words just can't.  Listening to these two songs makes me feel like I am not crazy for having all of these feelings.. and maybe this will help people who have never been in this situation understand it just a little bit better.  Thanks for reading :-) Love you all!

Rest in Pieces Video  Hold On video 

Update

Hey all-
I have not posted to this blog in almost 2 years!! Lately I have been asked a lot about Will and my fertility journey.  I have been keeping very quiet about everything since our failed IVF.  I went through a very trying, depressing time since that phone call.  Will and I struggled for many months with our marriage, and I had so many inner struggles within myself.  On top of that, I was embarrassed about putting my whole journey out there to the world, just to have it all come crashing down. 
A few weeks after our failure, we went back to our doctor.  He said the reason it didn't work was because the embryos stopped growing after day 3.  He said they looked great, then just stopped.  He went ahead with the transfer, but it was a bust way before he did that (of course, no one bothered to tell us that).  We then decided to try some IUI's to see if that would work.  We did 5 IUIs over a year and a half span with various doses/combinations of medications.  Negative after negative after negative.  One IUI was a positive.  We were ecstatic.  We finally thought this whole nightmare was over.  As luck would have it, though, I got a "not pregnant" result the day we were scheduled to get our bloodwork.  Our doctor said it was a chemical pregnancy, meaning it was a miscarraige before the pregnancy was confirmed with an ultrasound.  Our last negative IUI was in May.  Each negative result came with another round of anger, resentment, depression, and questioning God why all of this was happening to us.  Why is this so hard for us?! This is when I decided enough was enough.  We have now spent over $30,000.. my body was completed messed up from all of the medications, and my soul was broken.  I decided I just couldn't do it anymore, and we have not done another procedure since.
We applied for an IVF grant this summer and were not chosen.  We applied for another one and are still waiting for results.  We couldn't possibly apply for another loan, my credit is already ruined from the first fertility loan.  I don't have it in me to ask anyone for anymore money through fundraising.  It nearly killed me the first time, and I feel like everyone just wasted their money for us to fail. 
I also began accupuncture in October.  Accupuncture is supposed to greatly increase chances of success with IUI.  My accupuncturist said I ovulate way to late in my cycle, and the doctors were giving me the trigger shot (to trigger ovulation) and releasing my eggs before they were ready.  She also said my basal body temperature is too low, making it hard for my body to do what it is supposed to do.  Since I have been going, my BBT has increased and my ovulation has moved up from day 20 to day 17.. so it is looking good so far!  She assured me that if I listen to her and do an IUI when she says I am ready, then it will be a success.  So we shall see.  We are hoping to get the grant, but if not, we will try another IUI hopefully this summer.  I have also been reading a lot of fertility books and joined a support group to help me cope with the emotional side of infertility.
Socially, the fertility thing has really made a mess of my life.  People that I though would support me (including bridesmaids in my wedding) have completely turned against me.  Friends I thought I had are no longer there.  Family that I married into are now enemies.  I can't expect people to understand the bitter battle of infertility.  I think my problem was that I expected too much of people, because that is what I would do for them.  But, I have learned my lesson, and if nothing else, God used this as a weeding out process.. to show me who I should have in my life and who I should not.  And for that I am grateful.
This was probably way more than you wanted to know.  I wish I had better news that this.  But, I still wake up every morning next to my wonderful husband, get out of bed, look on facebook at the thousands of baby photos from basically all of my friends, go to a job that I love, and carry on with life.  I know something good will happen when the time is right.. and I will be so glad to share that news when it does.. but until then.. the sun will rise every morning and I will get up with it and live my life!!
Thank you all who are still supporting and praying for us.  We love all of you!