Last time I updated, Will and I had gone to our anatomy scan and learned my cervix had shortened to 1.6 with funneling. We were sent to labor and delivery and put on bed rest. I stayed on bed rest for a week and went back on 11/4 to see if the condition improved. The doctor told us my cervix had shortened even more to a 0.8 with severe funneling, meaning my body was trying to go into labor. I was not a candidate for a cerclage (where they stitch the cervix closed to keep babies in) because studies showed it does not work in twin pregnancies. I was then sent by ambulance to Vanderbilt. My mind could not grasp the seriousness of the situation.. I thought I would go to Vandy and they would be able to do some high tech magic to fix me and my girls would be fine.
We get to Vandy and my cervix is remeasured. She then tells me I now have "no measurable cervix" and I am 100% effaced. These babies were coming soon. She told me there is nothing they can do for me until I am 23 weeks. I was only 20 weeks. I was put in the hospital to measure contractions, which luckily I was not having any. We checked babies heartbeats every night and they were always perfectly healthy. After 2 days she sent me home.. saying that because I was not having contractions she was "optimistic" I would see her back at 23 weeks, when she could give me steroids to help the babies lungs develop and give me meds to stop labor if needed. So I went home to begin my 19 day wait for the blessed 23 week mark!
I lasted 5 days. On 11/9, I began having some serious menstrual cramps. When I went to pee, I noticed the tiniest bit of blood when I wiped. I ignored it. My brain completely shut down as I thought surely not. No. This isn't happening. But as the day progressed the cramps got worse and I still was bleeding. "Will, I think we are in trouble" I said. He called my parents and my aunt, who all reassured me that everything was probably fine and not to worry too much and stress the babies. But in my heart I know this was coming to an end. We called my doctor and he said to go to Labor and Delivery to get checked out. The nurse gives me a pelvic exam and immediately tears up. "Not good, huh" I said. She told me she could feel my baby's water sac. The doctor said Zoey's water sac was protruding and they were worried about infection. He said the situation was "dire", we are "up against the wall" and "if infection had set in I would deliver within 24 hours". I am numb. I literally can't feel anything. I just kept saying thing like "okay" and "yes, I understand". Then he said I did not have any infections, but I was starting to have very painful contractions. After about 40 minutes of the worst pain of my life (so far) the nurse checked me and said I was fully dilated.. and there was blood everywhere. The doctor said we were "at the point of no return". Still numb. I just said "so we are ready to deliver then" He said the first one was ready to come, and the second could come immediately, or it could take days. He said there was no time for an epidural or anything. Then the worst thing ever happened. He broke Zoey's water sac. This snapped me into reality and I screamed and wailed. I just remember screaming her name and telling her how sorry I was.. and before I knew it I was pushing out my beautiful Zoey. She was alive. The nurse wrapped her up in a blanket and hat and handed her to me. I told her she was so beautiful, she was a good girl, mommy and daddy love her so much, and she gets to go straight to heaven. I guess Piper know mommy couldn't handle much more, because then the doctor said "the second one is ready" and 8 minutes after Zoey, precious Piper was born, alive. I handed Zo to her daddy and told Piper the same things I told her sister. They looked so different. Zoey had a round face with a cute little button nose, while Piper had a skinny face with a pointier nose. It would have been so easy to tell them apart. The doctor and nurses gave us about an hour to be with our sweet girls. They got to meet their mommy and daddy, mimi and papa (my parents), Tia (my aunt), and grandma (Will's mom) Their short lives were filled with so much love. The nurse then weighed them and got their foot and handprints. Of course, Zoey was being stubborn (as usual) and wouldn't give her handprints. The hospital gave us the most beautiful memory boxes with blankets, hospital bracelets, papers with their names, birth weight/length, and time of birth, and their feet and handprints. They also gave us funeral home phone numbers. We told them we wanted them to be cremated so they could be with us always. They asked us if we wanted them to be together or seperate. We chose separate. They were so different, and we always believed in giving them their individuality, so it was an easy decision for us.
The next day was the hardest. The numbness had worn off, and I woke up at 3am and forgot. I forgot they were gone. I was waiting for them to kick me. I thought maybe it was a really bad dream. It wasn't. So I had a huge meltdown/panic attack and the nurse had to run in and give me xanex. The following day I had to fill out and sign birth certificates for my girls. Turns out, if they weigh enough, they are considered "people" (really?!) and are given birth/death certificates and social security numbers. This was the most absolutely awful. Then came the flood of nurses and social workers and volunteers and everyone else under the sun trying to give me resources and helpful words and prayers. I could not stop crying.
My doctor has diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix. This is when your cervix is weak and shortens/dilates way before it is time to deliver. This is especially common in twin pregnancies, but still only happens to about 1-2% of all pregnant women. Figures it would be me, why wouldn't it be? There are measures to be taken if we wanted to try again (cerclage, progesterone shots, weekly checks) but of course none of these work in twin pregnancies. My girls were healthy and perfect. My body failed them. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Needless to say, Will and I are completely devastated, drained, traumatized.. I really don't think there have been words invented yet that describe how you feel when you lose a child, especially one you have worked for for over 3 years. I just don't understand God's logic and why he chooses to constantly test me.
I appreciate everyone's support and prayers during this dark time in my life. Once again, the sun will come up each day.. the world will continue to turn even though I feel like I am dying inside. I will never forget my sweet Zoey Jane and Piper Ivy, I just pray each morning I wake up the day is a little easier, so that I may soon see the sunshine again and go on living a normal life again.
Mommy and Daddy will love you forever, sweet tiny angels.
